A life without love
would take the moments away.
God would recede to text.
The miracle of the feast ~
take out food.
A life without love
would leave the cruel bone gnawed,
the wooden leg whittled on the throne,
rather than seeking death in wanton flight.
No understanding in woven lace,
only, facts tossed in cursed waste.
As taste lies flat upon the tongue,
no haste made to form the young.
Intend, my soul, a bookshelf for other’s tales,
I would hear of how I failed.
Caste out the vigil from my cell,
turn back into the night and bid farewell.
Author notes
I have delivered the dreggs of a fine wine as promised I am on time.
A contest entry
- A not so quick contest (24 hours) by poetryality.
525 points, ended August 13, 2007, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Wow.... a worthy win here.
I like the rhyming....none which
are forced...........tight, colorful,
classical with nuances of the author's
own.
Yes....!
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Thank you. I like to play with interior rhyme to tie and drive a poems tone. Assonance and consonance to delight the tongue and make the words a little more fun. Allusions though slightly said expand the mind's thoughts about what is said. Glad to see you dropped by. ..
Love, Tom B.
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congrats on your gold...
Love, Lane
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Thanks. May your day be blessed with moments of insight and joy.
Love, Tom B.
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There’s a serious problem with the line: it contains only an article I (which carries essentially no meaning), a preposition (which merely shows how two things relate and contains no lexical meaning) and, most grievously, two words that are almost invariably death to good, even decent poetry, “life” and “love.” Both invite abstraction, assertion, generalization, confirmation of what the reader (one supposes) already knows—in a word, clichés. For that reason, “love” is the only word that I would regularly prohibit from my students’ work. If they wanted to talk about it, they had to SHOW it rather than just say it.
(To say nothing of the fact that they usually placed it in the rhyme position in line 1 and were then stuck with “above,” “dove,” “of,” or—much harder to make work—“glove.” For such a crucial word in out daily discourse, it has surprisingly few rhymes!)
Having ranted… none of that happens here.
You do two things immediately. First, you don’t let the phrase hang but connect it to something understandable, although I might suggest that “the” weakens the line by making “moments” refer to some specific moments we have no knowledge of yet. And second, you spin from that transitional line to something both specific and active: “recede” and “text.” Then an ellipsis, with the “miracle” reduce to the banal (I think “take-out” should be hyphenated?).
And from there the poem whirls along in an increasing enjambment of images. The starkness of some – “cruel bone gnawed,” “whittled,” “cursed,” – moves us comfortably out of the dangers of the prompt line.
A couple of questions: Is the comma after “only” needed? And what about the rhyme scheme? The first two stanzas do not rhyme; the last two do. That could become an integral part of the meaning if it is clear that the shift is intentional. Stanza 1 has five lines; the rest 4. It raises the expectation of free verse, which succeeding stanzas must work against.
But if rhyme (especially) entered gradually—perhaps slant rhyme in the off-lines of stanza 1, avoiding any attempt to work with “love”; then double slant rhyme in 2, as subtle as possible so that the reader may not even notice it until a second or third reading; then full rhyme in two lines of stanza 3, slant rhyme in the other 2; and finally, in the stanza that asserts the criticality of love, double full rhyme. As the poem moves away from the loveless world asserted in line 1, it simultaneously becomes more richly poetic.
Probably more than you wanted. As always, you base the piece on image and diction, presenting your subject in ways that unfurl it rather than close it off.
I would be interested in seeing what you do with it.
Michael
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Everything you have written here is heartfelt and oh so true. You have a pen that involves the reader.
"A life without love
would leave the cruel bone gnawed,
the wooden leg whittled on the throne,
rather than seeking death in wanton flight."
A wondrously vivid stanza. I love the internal and external rhymes. I could tell right off the rip that you were on my favorites but who are you. This contest is blind. I can't see you. LOL
Thank you for this entry and the best of luck to you.
Much LOVE ♥
Renee
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Well, now you know who wrote this poem and I want to thank you for the gold and, more importantly, the inspiration this contest provided. It was a gift to get to meet you and your husband this weekend and I want to thank you for that as well. Glad to see you made it home safely.
Love, Tom B. -
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See...I like what I like. It never surprises me that I choose those poets who are my favorites as winners in my contests. That's why you're my favorites. LOL
It was truly my pleasure to meet you and your graciously beautiful wife Tom. You are as genuine and wonderful in person as you are on line. I am sure we will have this occasion again. I hope so anyway.
All My LOVE ♥
Renee
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Wow, great title sweet heart. some great comparisons of life without love, it would suck wouldn't it, cause then I couldn't love you so very much! LOL! Wonderful language pieced together so intricately as always expected from you, I don't like the semi-rhyme used here though lacks the taste you bring to the plate in so many of your poems, thank you for introducing me to Hell by showing me life without love my dear.
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Oy! I see some of me in this...thankfully, not much. *wipes sweat from brow* Whew! Lines 6-9 made my heart ache, what a terrible feeling and knowing that even one person experiences it, breaks my heart. As always, your 'simplicity' brings so much to the table. Brilliant penning. No, off I go for Ben and Jerry's
Bella
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this is so sadly beautiful and has touched me to depths that you know i have felt more often than not and it is because of this that makes you so special. you always see into one's hearts and spirits and clear the webs when we are tangled within them and breathe away the clouds that block out the sun.
best of luck in the contest. be well and be blessed
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Wonderful as always.
A life without love is the only kind I know.
After a while it doesn't matter any more.
I am happy for those who have it. I've accepted that it will not be mine.
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A life without love~ This is so sad and leaves me weak inside...It feels like a tear was on your cheek when you penned this...Intend, my soul, a bookshelf for other's tales, I would hear of how I failed*hug*
OK! now! you have to write a sweet love poem to mend the heart:)) this was wonderful my friend...You are Master!
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Thumbs up
Very intricate, daddy, a lesson to be learned here I think.
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This space could be for someone else. I hope you don't waste it.
Renee -
HEEEEEEY!!! Don't leave me this way...JUST KIDDING I GET IT.
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Well...I shall check tomorrow
Get writing Mister!! ~Tia
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