from underneath the willow
you dance for me
ephemeral vision
stilling my heart - already cold
your laughter mimics
staccato beat of evening cicadas
and I stretch to catch
one more moment
till all is lost
in moonlight’s sorrow
withered pink petals
lay in disarray
roses on your grave
unnourished
by mother’s tears
A contest entry
- Une saison en enfer by Aesthete.
1500 points, ended August 24, 2007, 62 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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very short and simple! my favorite kind! i love the imagery you used in this poem!! i wish you the best of luck in the contest!
NineTailedFox -
Judged
Absolutely beautiful in it's simplicity. I am honored by the stunning piece you have entered into my contest. Thank you for entering. -
Ruth, this is a stunning piece, and so mournful in the loss where laughter and love is just a haunting real memory. The mood is set impeccably in the first stanza and flows throughout. Beautifully done!
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Wonderful, just wonderful. I mean I'm shocked. The flow of this was impeccable. And it's so cohesive. Its not as though I could select a line or a phrase to put up as my favorite; If I did it'd be the whole thing!
I trudge through my contest with expectations withering and then I read something of this sort. Its like a slap in the face, but I'm so very glad for it. -
"your laughter mimics
staccato beat of evening cicadas
and I stretch to catch
one more moment"
such a touching penning- the above was especially beautiful-
very happy to find you here in this contest dear.
m -
Very touching and emotional!
Thank you for sharing this one. Best wishes in the contest.
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Oh my...such loss...The spirit of a little girl...with dry brittle unwatered roses on a grave. I'm so,so,so very sorry.
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Sad, but very beautiful in it's simplicity. Wonderful wording, reads very nicely. I enjoyed this. I could picture a mother visiting a child's grave and envisioning the child laughing and dancing in the moonlight...but the mother knowing that her vision would quickly vanish so she strains to catch and enjoy every moment of that vision she gets. Loved the wording - couldn't really pick a favorite line as I liked them all.
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...you pictured this perfectly, exactly as it were meant to be seen. Thank you
Ruth
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an emotional move
flowing like liquid sunshine. I could picture the sun dancing through the leaves of the willow.
Smile,
Judy
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Lovely but very sad too! "In moonlights sorrow" was my favorite line. Short and simply beautiful. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this!
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I really liked this and how you gave such amotions without going over what the thoughts are.
It was very moving and it brought a tear to my eye!
your laughter mimics
staccato beat of evening cicadas
and I stretch to catch
one more moment
till all is lost
in moonlight’s sorrow
By far my favorite part!!
Great write!
~Maya -
aw, this is so sad... and beautiful! you did a wonderful job writing it! keep up your great work! good luck. keep it up!
Crimson -
I love this poem. I love the beauty of nature you described, I love the imagery, and I loved how I got both happiness and saddness from it. Very well done.
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"in moonlight’s sorrow"
Sad, but meaningful.
Great poem!
All my love
x--Lullaby
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Oh! this is very sad, I see a child's ghost above a grave longing to be held.
well done
Ken
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Ken,
Thank you...oh how well you see my words
Ruth
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Great write, I liked the softness of it. Wonderful job. Thanks for commenting on my poem!! Good luck in the contest!
~Michaela~
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