Maybe, it was the cigarette,
my fascination with bad habits;
your comfort level with your own.
I never knew what you saw in me,
understanding being vastly overrated.
There was the poetry.
We shared images,
surrendered visions,
hid within metaphors.
I remember the moments
when you sat in my heart
commanded my attention.
Then, you left,
the screen door
sagging on its hinges,
the cigarette butt in my ashtray,
your last kiss surrounding a filter.
4:52 PM
08/07/07
Alexandria, VA
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Option 4th
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There was the poetry.
We shared images,
surrendered visions,
hid within metaphors.
I remember the moments
when you sat in my heart
commanded my attention.
Then, you left,
the screen door
sagging on its hinges,
the cigarette butt in my ashtray,
your last kiss surrounding a filter.
<3 Okay. So that is most of the poem. But. Oh well.
I love this. Thank-you for entering this into my contest.
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The opportunity to stir the surface and think it is the storm upon the sea is often what infatuation is to love.
Peace,
Tom B.
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Damn, Tom...you are doing great with the cig and alcohol themes and metaphors...this is brilliant...
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I don't know where this came from but it came all at once. it was definitly a sudden rush of a moment. I know this place and I know to well the passions of a diletante, the sourness of the their pretense of disappointment. But enough I grow melodramatic.
Love, Tom B.
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"Then, you left,
the screen door
sagging on its hinges,
the cigarette butt in my ashtray,
your last kiss surrounding a filter."
Wow this is wonderful. Really surprised me. The best ones do. Great job,
Creatress -
Very visual.
I loved how you just described about her smoking..
Your memories.
It's very emotional.
I loved it.
Very well done!
Good luck in the contest, my friend. :]
xx. -
wow...so full of emotion, a truly beautiful write! the sadness rings true within every line, i felt every word.
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its sad but i loved it...tres purtyful as my texan side would say
We shared images,
surrendered visions,
hid within metaphors
one of my favorite lines
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very well written sad story...i need to ask you about the 4th stanza...in parenthesis as i didnt get its meaning...or relevance to the rest...
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eeew you smoke. yuck! i think i knew this. from your picture. but somehow i let myself forget. yuckers. u prolly smell like an ash tray. i guess i still love u anyway.... i'll just spray u with fabreeze
this is heartbreakingly pretty
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Sorry to say, I probably wouldn’t have stopped at “Stale Martini” on the strength of the title or the first line. Again, my problem—I don’t drink or smoke, don’t have any emotional connection with them.
BUT then the poem went into high gear and began using the images to talk about things vastly more important…like poetry…and love. Of course, the poem does it much better than I am doing here.
Stanza 3 begins the shift to metaphorical language both by asserting metaphor and by creating it (“surrendered”. Then stanza 5 creates a climax with the remarkable “you sat in my heart.” Simple words. But there is something about them in the context that chills, and at the same time there is no better way to explain what happens when words/images pass from one to another. A quibble here: Should “where” be “when” since it most logically modified “moments”—a time word.
Then the poem backs itself out, reversing the process. Instead of entering, explored in stanza 3, exiting (“sagging” is a perfect word here, even if it can be a cliché in other contexts). Then the cigarette that began the poem. Nice sound play with “screen,” “sagging,” “cigarette,” and “surrounding” (the latter parodying the intent of the earlier “surrendering”. Enough repetition to link the lines tightly, not enough to draw attention to itself (except, of course, to a nitpicker like me).
The final two lines present ethereal, evanescent images, things that cannot last, heightening the overriding metaphor.
So…there is a more-or-less structural analysis of the poem, the kind of thing I find most useful with my own poetry. I try not to say “I like this” without giving a reason; and possible weaknesses are easier to pinpoint if one talks objectively about technique and craftsmanship.
And if there is weakness in the poem, I think it would be the parenthetical inclusion. In spite of the fact that I use parentheses immoderately, stanza four does seem like it is trying to justify its inclusion with the brackets. There are a couple of difficulties with it: it is more generalized in diction and image than the rest of the poem; and it comes closes to trite language with “commanded my attention,” especially following the “sat in my heart line.”
Throughout you use sound patterning and internal rhythm nicely, keeping the lines flowing without falling into a regular, metrical rhythm.
One final comment: Perhaps a comma after “left” in the last stanza. Then you left; you left the following: the screen door sagging, the cigarette butt, and your last kiss. Otherwise it sounds as if the poem is saying “your left the screen door sagging” which doesn’t seem to add to the emotional impact.
Enough already. It is a strong poem, well crafted, consonant in tone and structure. Well done.
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that last line is brilliant...
this is a piece that has really managed to capture this "relationship" and the foreshadowing is excellent... you've managed to create a "doomed for failure" atmosphere from the beginning...
wonderful poetry!
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These images you paint are quite strong, taking me as the reader into the room, hearing the screen door, feeling the trail of remnants of something gone, slipped away. Well done.
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understanding being vastly overrated.
Oy, ain't that a kick in the pants?! True, very true, yet, we spend so much time seeking understanding of such things.
I feel the sadness in this piece but admire the lack of bitterness that usually comes from ones abrupt departure from our lives. Shows some understanding on someones part as well as gentility.
Just in awe of this one as there is so so much between the lines, it is what was not said here that touches my heart more. If that makes sense.
Bravo!
Bella
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A great poem, feels very sultry to me, i could imagine this being read in a smoky bar somewhere, by a man with a very low gravelly voice. I love it.
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Oh my! This is wonderful. I don't know where to begin. I can't pick a favorite verse or line - it's all so damn good. Leaving the last kiss on the filter of the cigarette is incredible. Can I steal that? (No worries - I don't write anymore anyway).
This is publishable, my Friend. But then most of your work is. I find this poem exceptionally grand! You were spot on with this. It should be in a college text book.
Cris
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You are rock'n the poetry house with this one. A nice step outside of your box...caught me a bit off guard, don't know how I missed this one this eve actually. Glad I went back to check for any misses on my fav of fav's page Well done! ~Tia
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A beautiful piece. Such sad words within, especially your last line
I love the way you can write so matter of factly. Makes it all the more poignant!
All the best to you
Gaylene
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Oh wow, I've been away too long forgot how intricat and exciting your works are. I love this one, want to marry it I do. The start, I completely agree with, I have the same fascination! I do that all the time, command my love's attention but I don't recieve it that is why I sit in my heart instead LOL. Oh woe is me, that was quite a sad ending. Hope it wasn't true my friend, I'll be around.
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I like the blunt reality in this. As much as I enjoy your more softly romantic poems, I find it refreshing to read a more raw and gritty feel that has no less impact to its emotions.
THREE smokin' bunnies.
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Sometimes even when we love so wholly, we still want more even if we don't know what the 'more' is. You write this poignantly. Love, C
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The first verse in this write is the hook of the entire poem. An instructor told me in a creative writing class that an effective 'hook' is how the best poems begin. The last part of the poem leaves a solid impression, too. You have it down to a fine art, and reading the interim parts of the poem made me feel as if I white water rafting above some dangerous falls. As always, very emotive and effective writing. ~ Karen
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This is a ouchie one! I remember the moments where you set in my heart commanded my attention...Then you left!...Your last kiss surrounding a filter...WoW! this one hurts and pulls the tears right out of me You are still the master my friend...even with the tears flowing
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OUCH...this one sounds painful...your last kiss surrounding a filter...Wow this is awsome writing.
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Sometimes for all the bravado we ache more than we admit. I wanted to write one that showed this. Thanks for letting it hit you.
Love, Tom B.
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