~*~
It was beautiful.
Everything I had dreamed it to be.
the fireworks, the heat,
the feel of soft lips on skin.
Sweet utterings of devotion.
Spiritual.
It was horrible.
Meaning nothing to him.
All of it my imagination,
nothing but sweat on skin.
Grunts and moans.
Physical.
It was only love for the moment,
never love for the life.
Such a fool to believe,
believe that it was more than just a heated fuck.
Spiritual love?
Pah.
Nothing more than another notch,
another lovesick fool.
A love sick fool who got
Spiritually fucked.
~*~
Author notes
My sn is Vera Jewel
A contest entry
- All Time Favorite! by Mezclita.
600 points, ended October 13, 2007, 40 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Favorite Poems by Avatar of Innocence.
400 points, ended December 27, 2007, 23 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 65 of 65
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Good, for the Most Part
Quite direct. The best take on maturation that I have ever seen. The cynacism and the growth from naivete to realist notions is great.
The imagery, expectant and also unadorned, reflects the theme nicely. I don't know what this is called. It can't be unrequited love, because the love would still exist. There is no love here, just the illusion of being loved. I don't know what to call it.
The ambiguity of the first stanza merging into the alien view of the second stanza was effective. The third stanza however, with the exception of the last line, was a bit bland, but not simplistic. If you could make this poem understood by majority of the public (I don't count idiots as "public"), then this poem would be stelllar.
An in-your-face read, quite raw without being too descriptive, and the cynacism, realism, and indifference (both of and to the male character in the poem) leave almost nothing to be desired. The imagery is effective, the sensory words also quite effective. The third stanza just sticks out (again, minus the last line) and feels awkward. The message it conveys follows the flow of the poem, but the language and bulkiness of the plain words need work. The poem's actions belie the theme, but the third stanza could use the extra attention to bring the poem completely together.
You can keep this poem in the contest, and send in another one or a revised version of this poem. I will not remove it. -
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Thank you, it's very hard to get someone to give you an honest opinion. I understand what you are saying about the third stanza.. it does stick out a bit from the rest. I will work on it and try to improve it before the contest is over. You can remove it if I don't, I only enter them to get suggestions on how to improve my poems anyway.
I must run but thank you for the compliments on what you did like and the suggestions on how to improve what you didn't.
Have a good day.
~VJ ^_^
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Hmmmm, Tough one here. The emotions laid out here are so raw. That is really wonderful. It makes me feel for you. When a writer can make the reader feel for them I think they reached what they were hoping for.
Anna -
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^_^ I'm very glad that you enjoyed this, thank you for your lovely comment.
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beautiful
This is a really great right
Your in my finals!
keep it up!!
x x x
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Thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed my write =)
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It was beautiful.
Everything I had dreamed it to be.
the fireworks, the heat,
the feel of soft lips on skin.
Sweet utterings of devotion.
Spiritual.
It was horrible.
Meaning nothing to him.
All of it my imagination,
nothing but sweat on skin.
Grunts and moans.
Physical.
I really enjoyed the way you set this up with the first two stanzas...
I also like the down-to-earthness (even though thats not a word) of it...
Great write!!!
I enjoyed reading it -
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my poem.
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Incredible
Powerful, emotive, very well written, the form is brilliant and it works on so many levels - excellent! This is one of the best poems I have read for a while -w ell done
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my poem.
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this the best thing I have every read and arent we all fucked in a way
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Brilliant write! this poem had everything emotion, imagery girl it rocked!!! you lured me in with this piece it was very well written!! the lack of structure i liked because it added to the whole "everytime you have sex there isnt angels singing and sparks flying" some good lines also favourtite being "nothing but sweat on skin." sort of how you felt it compard to how he did v.good and well deserved the trophey
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Thank you hunny! I'm so glad you took the time to read my poem and got something out of it. I simply write for myself, because I like to. I don't really care if anyone else likes it but it does feel good when I get such a lovely comment as yours ^_^ Thank you again, Have a lovely day!
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harsh and gritty
i loved it. spell it out lady! but seriously, its strong and you can feel the blunt unattractiveness of cheap and meaningless sex here. if that makes sense..? xxx
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Thank you very much! This seems to be my one poem that everyone loves and it was a complete accident, a result of a lovers quarrel Lol I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
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love it !!
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Fuckin' Amazing!
WOW! I am very impressed with this poem, I mean I really really like it! It is so organized and soothingly sexy! It sizzles in such a suave manner!
Excellent with a capital E!
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Thank you very much.
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Intresting!
Wow! What exactly were you focusing on? But I like this and I can see the reality in our world today. so yea I like it!
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Ummm.. Sex? Thanks for reading.
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I like the way this one developes down the page here and enjoyed reading it very much. Thank you for sharing and best wishes to you. Keep that pen handy dear poet. ~Midnight Lace
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my poem. I'm glad you enjoyed it ^_^
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this reminded me of someone hitting a dead animal with a blunt instrument over and over and over and over for no apparent reason. not the poem, but the way in which you fully show the animal nature and pain of humans when it comes to the illustrious and superlative sensation and the differences between men and women... all the gulf between us.
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my poem..Your comment was definetly different. Lol
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just physical
sometimes, it hard to keep that in mind. -
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Thank you =)
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You captured that crazy false hope trap so many have fallen into well! "spiritually fucked"... serves as a warning too i think good one~
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Thank you =)
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i like it alot..good job..i loved how you said the fireworks, the heat,
the feel of soft lips on skin...i think everyone thinks there's going to be fireworks and angels singing and so on...very good job though..ur a good poet keep up the good work
*~*Monique*~*
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Thank you very much =)
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Though it lacks structure and is free verse... which is something I am not a huge fan of, you won me over with this piece. It's deep emotion and raw truth is captivating and incomparable. Very well done.
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Thank you, free verse is what I love best but I am glad someone who doesn't liked my work.
Thank you for taking the time to read it ^_^
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This is one of the best poems I've read in a long time. It shows each action, each feeling, each emotion. It's something that happens frequesntly, unfortunaty, but it's something that never should occur. You painted it masterfully and at the same time spoke about how it effected you.
Nothing more than another notch,
another lovesick fool.
That was my favorite line. It showed what you felt inside, the betrayl and the backstabbing. It showed what the whole poem was about. It showed feeling and emotion in great waves. I loved it. Thank you for sharing it.
**Sorry forgot the applause. **
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This is one of the best poems I've read in a long time. It shows each action, each feeling, each emotion. It's something that happens frequesntly, unfortunaty, but it's something that never should occur. You painted it masterfully and at the same time spoke about how it effected you.
Nothing more than another notch,
another lovesick fool.
That was my favorite line. It showed what you felt inside, the betrayl and the backstabbing. It showed what the whole poem was about. It showed feeling and emotion in great waves. I loved it. Thank you for sharing it. -
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Thank you so much hunny, It doesn't really matter whether people like what you write or not. But it always feels so nice when people enjoy something you put so much effort into. I'm glad you understood What I wanted to say. Thank you again! =)
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This was beautiful, sad and powerful. The first two contrasting stanzas worked very nicely, but the line "believe that it was more than just a heated fuck" seems to drag on a little long, it doesn't flow as well with the rest of it. Aside from that, the poem was fantastic, I loved it. Thank you for sharing this, keep up the good work
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Thank you for taking the time to read it, I'm glad you enjoyed it =)
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this write was very heated and very raw. A lot of hurt in these lines here. It hurts to put your trust in someone and then have them be a complete asshole...good write it was well expressed...better will come to you.
luv
J
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Thank you for taking the time to read this, I'm glad you enjoyed =)
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well now...
i'm pretty sure there was NOTHING spiritual about what you are talking about!!! ok? i mean there are fuck's and there are fuck's. in my opinion, i think this was just a fuck! nothing spiritiual about that. love will come. and it won't be just another fuck. good luck. i've been there. oh hell! now you can put a notch on YOUR belt! GET IT? and i liked all the cussin'!!! love gyspyfish
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Lol thank you, that was the whole point to the poem! Although she wanted it to be spiritual it was nothing but a meaningless fuck. Thank your for takin the time to read it I hope you liked it.
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wow. great piece. straight and to the point good job. i liked this very much. thanks for entering my contest and good luck.
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"Ace"
Really, really good, very well written. Brill all the way through, top class. Well worth the read. I could say more but it would sound over the top and spoil the comment. Thanks for this. WASP.
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Lol Thanks for the comment, glad you liked it.
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the hurt here is quite evident. You state it simply and truthfully and it comes across well. Its a terrible feeling but Youve captured it.
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Thank you for your comment.
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Interesting
Very interesting read. Sarcastic towards the end with a painful undertone. What can I say? It was Sweet!
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Lol well if there is anything I am it's sarcastic. Thanks for the comment! =)
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intense changes in the tone of voice from the first to second stanza. props to the author.
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Thank you =)
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Wow
I hope this isn't something you've felt before. Anyway, It's a poem that tells the truth the only way it was meant to be told. A message that most find out the hard way unfortunatly. Great job on a brilliant write.
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Yes I have felt it before but really.. Who hasn't felt used like this at some point? It can't be helped but it did make for a decent poem. Thanks for taking the time to read it and for the nice comment =)
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Ah this is sad but so true in so many cases.
Dont sweat it he will get karmas spititual fuck someday. Maybe where the sun dont shine. 
Well done
Delila
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Lol Thanks for reading hun and the nice comment =)
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nice feelings in this work really conveyed while it was kinda blanet but it added to the "spiritually fucked" feel lol
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Lol I'm glad you enjoyed it thank you for the comment =)
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never a probelm like reading good works
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Very deep. I've never read a piece like this, although I've had many thoughts that are similar. I guess every girl has to go through something like this before she finds her true match.
I love the first stanza. Its the epitome of everything a virgin (or any woman for that matter) expects from a first time "love making" session. For a woman, it's beautiful, loving, passionate and for most men its "hot".
Spiritually fucked. Its true on many levels. Brilliant piece, I am mystified.
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Thank you for taking the time to read it =) I've been feeling like I had been spiritually fucked lately and this just sort of came to mind. You understood everything I meant it to be and I'm glad. Thank you for your wonderful comment, comments like those make it all worth while. =)
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Very good write and I loved reading it. I can relate to this.
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Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyedd it =)
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wow. i can relate =] very nice write and i loved reading it =]
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Thank you =) I'm glad you enjoyed.
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well it was a nice read ...enjoyed it very much.
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... Wow I just posted it a second ago, anyway thanks =)
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