SecondStarToTheRightAndStraightOnTilMourning by Exodus at All poetry

Regurgitating postcards into malformed teacups

and listening to silk rip with a sound like blood

she screamed (cried, whimpered) oblivion.

Touching crackling vertebrae to asphalt

she ground the ink into her soul

and shredded confetti'd skin

to fall into the malicious void

colouring the very air she tried to breathe

(once upon a time)

With a zippered smile

and hinged irises

she watched the world

sink into bleached temples.

Author notes

I dunno how to explain this...
It is deliberately spelt "mourning"

----------------
'disguised as a hero to get past your borders'

Friday

In a list

Beautifully Grotesque • next in list

A contest entry

Une saison en enfer by Aesthete. 1500 points, ended August 24, 2007, 62 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
for lack of a better word by genderideals--. 600 points, ended October 15, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Hmmm.... Just go with it.

Comments

1 - 13 of 13

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
DrunktankLullaby
October 9, 2007
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two word comment, here we go:

fucking stunning.
genderideals--
October 8, 2007

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loved this.

Regurgitating postcards into malformed teacups

and listening to silk rip with a sound like blood

she screamed (cried, whimpered) oblivion.

a great beginning to a beautiful poem.
LadyFiend19
August 16, 2007
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I love it. Reminds me of one of my own pieces
Kram
August 12, 2007
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I like it
I like the words, lines and the manner it is presented
Reckless.Emotions
August 11, 2007

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Aww beautiful. Damn girl. You giving out classes? I'd gladly sign up. Reminds me of my life, in such a different way (if that makes sense) Keep it up.
Chloe
PaintedParisPassion
August 11, 2007

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this is amzzzing
i love the imagery
and the title is beyond brilliant
good luck in the contests

:]

♥
Creatress
August 10, 2007

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Two Thumbs UP
she watched the world

sink into bleached temples

Well woven words. Again, always beautiful. You find your way around words so fine, never doubt that.
Keep it up, like always,
Creatress
olly olly oxen free
August 9, 2007

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like everyone said, the imagery on this is over the top. the picture you paint is grotesque, broken and 'malformed'.

you jump right into it with the very first line, or even the title.

the only thing i would suggest is tuning up a few images. for instance, 'hinged irises' is top ten on my AP metaphors list, but the last line is almost a let down, beautiful, but too obscure. this poenm deserves to go out with a bang.
- Exodus
  August 9, 2007
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  Thank you very much for your honest opinion, I can certainly see what you mean about the ending. Thanks again
Heartbeatsxfading
August 7, 2007

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amazing. simply amazing.

You used words that usually don't work in a poem and made them fit quite perfectly...

everything was wonderful but this part was the best:

"Touching crackling vertebrae to asphalt

she ground the ink into her soul

and shredded confetti'd skin

to fall into the malicious void

colouring the very air she tried to breathe

(once upon a time)"

took my breathe away.
just a voice
August 7, 2007

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Yet again another great poem from you. Seems everything you do is awesome. The imagery was great and the flow was nice too. Great job and good luck in the contest.
Dancing Marionette
August 7, 2007

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the imagery in this is seriously just unreal. i am absolutely in love with this, i read it like five times before commenting. thank you sooo much for entering bby. good luck
Fallen Under Light
August 7, 2007
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wow. Excellent Imagery. This is wonderful. pure talent.