I'd like a light to slay the dark
I want you all to know
The troubled shadows played the night
bright, saved the snow.
Cast yourself upon deep winds turning,
troubles taunt the unwarned, unwanted.
The sillouhette of harmony hits,
fight back, pretend each man is your son.
Cleaner still is the paper, the parchment waiting to be tantalized
your swan, still flies free.
Reflection bounces, to and fro, the windows down,
watch the crow fly free into the dark and never return
to the vast accomplishments his haste hath left upon the world
The incidental rose painted red, speckled green and blue.
The sky cried and the flower suffered
wilt, wither, waste away, maybe to bloom in the eyes of the afterglow
the lowering sun sacrafices.
The breath, the corner, the life infecting all beings
who walk endlessly, the earth is tred and trodden.
They walk themselves below [somewhat 6 feet under]
Go, leave this place before you yourself are overwhelmed
with the concious of a wealthy man.
Outgrow the land, and all will strike the fallen misery,
cue the woe.
Author notes
I'm not sure if I want this to be the final order, but I really like the way it sounds, it really is just a rant, but I do like it, no harsh critiques unless it is correcting grammar, spelling, or the order they should be in.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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The order of stanzas doesn't seem to matter so much with this poem...I thought I had the meaning from the first stanza, but then it followed through the second and started to deteriorate after that until I doubted that I had picked up your message at all. Each stazna seems to stand on its own in the end. Interesting reading.
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I REALLY like this & that's saying something as usually I'm not a fan of rhyme unless it's the works of Frost, Poe, Seuss etc. =)
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wow! very descriptive and unique because of the way you wrote it up. good job =)
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i thought of the age old battele here of light and dark, in every spirit that floats in the winds of time there are the struggles of existence - a good poem
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I don't really have anything intelligent enough to say to compare to this piece. So I'll just applaud instead.
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Brilliant
Incredible piece very written full of passion and emotion thankyou for sharing this piece!
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Brilliant!
Brilliant piece! Very well written and deep. I loved the final part "Outgrow the land, and all will strike the fallen misery,cue the woe." True class! thanks for sharing!
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Deep
Your very creative and detailed... I am completely impressed! -
My Verdict
The poem is really good. It flows well, and the imagery is awesome. The mistake I found was that "partchment" should be "parchment". The imagery and personification are great. You are a wonderful poet, keep writing! This poem was very inspirational. *claps*
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Excellent... I loved the imagry, loved the emotion, I loved the word flow... I loved it all
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Lots of wonderful descriptions are tied within this poem, your images were very well done. "breathe" should be "breath" Thats the only big grammar thing I can find. I found the rest of the piece to have a lot of great points, a concise voice even in its distance. Good alliteration and an all around fun piece to read to top it all off
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Ok!
This is real emotion; your first two lines are Increditable, Bravo, your third line I believe would read better like this:
Cast yourself upon deep winds turning,
troubles taunt the unwarned, unwanted.
after that it becomes more abstract and rambled but throughout this penning there is a clear sence of forboding, a longing tired cry from out of the shadows.
this is GOOD
fix the capitals.
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