fondly imagining
it gave him
an attitude;
a mark of maturity
placing him
apart from
those kids
he'd outgrown;
he stroked it
meditatively,
imagined how
the girls
would be impressed
at it's splendour.
lost in
lascivious thought,
oblivious to
the knob
turning
on the
bathroom door
started at
his brother's
sardonic voice -
"what's with
the bum-fluff
... dork?"
A contest entry
- face down by Cat.
500 points, ended August 7, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
nicely done!
wasn't sure what twist to expect there... suspenseful atmosphere is done well building to that kind of ironic conclusion...
clever!
-
When young men first start getting facial hair, it can be a point for others to notice and tease, as in this poem. Liked the brevity of the lines, the flow and the little story told here - neat interpretation of the prompt - so many different ways of writing about this - interesting reading.
-
this one was a wonderful read and it is great that the poet writes here for us all to see great words
-
OH...I do love a twist at the end...Although, I must admit at first I didn't get it...Very clever.
-
-
Thanks Luna,
Sometimes I am so obscure I don't get it myself!
Thanks for the clappy guys!!
PJ
-
-
I am sure you meant "startled" here started at
I simply loved this and chuckled at the ending. Yes, yes, I have two sons (daughters as well) and three grandsons and I think you hit the nail on the head (pun intended) with this one. Congratulations on your honorable mention. This was well worth the read and the chuckle.
Much LOVE ♥
Renee
-
-
Thanks for the kind comments!
The use of 'started' is intended and valid ( viz. To move suddenly or involuntarily: started at the loud noise. - dictionary.com )
Not sure that everyone got that this was about fluffy facial hair ( "face down" ), known colloquially, but perhaps not in the US, as 'bum-fluff'. There was a deliberate attempt to misdirect toward an obvious alternative in the first stanza, but I may have been less than obvious with the end reveal!
So long as you enjoyed and it cracked as smile, I'm happy!!
PJ -
-
Ah ha! I am with you now. Thank you for taking the time to explain. I loved this, and will surely be by to read more of your work.
Renee
-
-
-
just running through some of my favorites from this contest- also wanted to thank you for commenting on so many of the others in the contest
m -
-
Thanks Mary. It was a pleasure, there were some great writes, and a plethora of interpretations of the contest theme.
I'm gathering from comments on my own entry that not everyone got that it was about adolescent attempt at growing facial hair ( "face down"? ). The aim was to lean the reader to the obvious alternative, with a twist in the tail at the end. But it seems to have been appreciated on either level, so no harm done!
-
-
LOL....I like this
even has a bit of excitement attached to it...Im sure this is a reality write...haha...am I right? still a moment to remember...or want to forget...yes great write...
Mal
-
-
Thanks Mal,
Not exactly a reality write, just trying to go with a lighthearted interpretation of 'face down', hopefully with a bit of adolescent ambiguity in the first stanza...
-
-
wonderfully well handled, pun intended?, not sure...lol
this is fun and well written...
al
-
LOL and that's where certain reputations begin- this was really good and enjoyable.. the content is certainly not what i expected when i opened this poem - but besides having a good humourous twist- it's very good
m -
-
Yayy! I must be wearing you down - you put the extra 'u' in 'humourous'!!
I just hoped you didn't think I was being flippant and disrespectful to your contest, but when you said 'no erotica', my hands were.. em.. er.. tied??!
And I did have that 'bum fluff' look when I was about 15, unfortunately no brother to set me right...
-
-
i hoped you would notice the u
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
