Baked mountains encrusted
with a kiss of many suns.
Dry air moans on melted
shards of desert rock.
Blistered lips sealed tighter
with the dryness of every
swallow.
Stifling parched steps
yielding this sundered
land of our ancestors
footprints.
Forever silenced whispers
of discoveries not yet
heard through cracked
wisps of branched tumbleweeds.
Blowing, touching, caught
in the arms of an
unforgiving cactus.
Sentenced to look on as
others tumble by, their
destiny unknown to only
themselves...
Author notes
Contest entry,'The Desert'
A contest entry
- New Contest for Poems written in 2007 only!!!! by Anna Emkah.
900 points, ended December 24, 2007, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The B**** is Back. by I-Am-Custard.
450 points, ended July 7, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1668 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I like this, it's got some lovely imagery and you've obviously put some thought into the specific words you use to describe things. The last stanza lacks a certain amount of impact, but I can't think of a way for you to remedy that.
This is a strong entry, thank you for entering. -
Again - this is beautifully worded - in phrasing and word choice. Love the delicate prompt inspiration. Very intriguing.
Thanks for entering.
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Congrats on the trophy ...
and I agree with Anna that this is a good poem. I also partially agree with Danna, with one exception. Gerunds are not bad. That's a canard. However, everything else Danna said is correct. The words you employ can make or break your poem, and Danna has done a good job of enumerating places where you could strengthen the poem. It wouldn't hurt to go back and look at what she said. In any case, you have done a good job on this in the main, and can feel justly proud of your writing.
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This is a beautiful poem. It gives nice images, but you could have made it even better when you had taken into account the comment of Danna Hobart earlier. She has given valuable information. Have another look at that please. Still, I do like your poem. Anna.
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Very Classy!
Very Classy are the words that come to my mind as I read this outwest picturesque poem.
I would like to note that since CACTI is the plural of CACTUS, would not the article refering to it also have to be in the plural. Or otherwise the word CACTUS should be used. (Just an observation) But over all I liked the piece very much.
David
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I love desert poems, and this wonderfuk pirece is certainly no exception. I love the way you have personified the land in a subtle way, and have employed imagery with canyon echoes of a lonely human quality. Best of luck in the contest.
D.M.
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I went into detail on my previous comment. Let me say thank you for entering this contest as well.
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just beautiful loved it, superb imagery,keep writing my friend, Craig x
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I love your first two lines. They make me want to hop in the car right now and head off to the mountains. (I am so in the mood for a road trip).
When writing poetry, I want to caution you about using present participles (words that end in ING) Present participles are weak, and the action verb, which is stronger, can almost always be used instead, for example:
Dry air moaning
vs.
Dry air moans
Stifling parched steps
In the above line, you use two adjectives in a row. The problem with adjectives is their job is to tell, but a poet's job is to show. When I read the words stifling, it does not give me any mental picture at all. How could you show stifling? What does parched look like?
Blistered lips
sealed tighter
with the dryness
of every step
That's just an example.
land of our ancestors
footprints.
This gives the whole thing a Native American feel to it. I like that.
Forever silenced whispers
of discoveries not yet
heard through cracked
These lines bug me because they say the same thing:
Forever silences
Discoveries not yet heard
There's no need to say it twice.
their
destiny unknown to only
themselves...
In the last stanza, I like the way you are you saying that everyone else knows their destiny, but they themselves can't recognize it. -
Lovely
Smell of the shimmering desert, hiss of blown sand. Ghosts walk just outside my vision and vanish when I turn to see.
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great imagery here...been to sedona and I loved it...the last two stanzas are perfect
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This is totally amazing,and I would not change a word of it...The beauty of the dessert just flood my mind and paint so many different images with deep meaning...An outstanding pen,With this I can see the growth in your writing...A blessing to have read...
Blessings
~Cheryl~
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