a baby train
goes choo-choo on the mr sheen slide
the stationmaster
at the foot with arms open wide
pre co-op kids
ride bicycles with brakes on bare feet
fat quackers
waddle full of sunblest, (ready to eat)
some children
splash a lady as she tops up her tan
while others target
practise on an empty ale can
the roundabout
runs rings around a dad drenched in beer.
An empty
swing rocks slowly
how I wish you were here.
A contest entry
- In the park - contest by jantastic.
700 points, ended August 13, 2007, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'm am so bored Give me something to do by Miss Chievous.
335 points, ended September 16, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Guaranteed Comments! by Nam.
425 points, ended October 23, 2007, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - TEN THOUSAND POINTS OF RHYME! (now 15,000) - Part 4 Love by cricketjeff.
1250 points, ended December 27, 2007, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my rhymes by leander.
400 points, ended December 15, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - poems with impact by know one.
380 points, ended March 6, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - anything by eatmydirt.
450 points, ended March 4, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wow Me! by Malkolis.
450 points, ended March 30, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything but gold... by SchizoChic.
450 points, ended October 3, 2008, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Nice job! Short, simple and oh so sweet. Best of luck to you poet, in life and in this contest. Wonderful
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I am torn by this entry, It starts off so precious and cute, and you manage to turn it into a tearjerker at the end. I love what your saying and the images are nice, but i feel the meter is off, and with so many entries i am afraid that is enough to knock you down. But i did love this poem.
thank you for entering. -
very unique
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NICE
Nice flow..that's what i'm looking for...good luck in the contest -
Thank you so much for your entry in our contest 'Love' to look for the best 'rhymer' on Allpoetry, in our opinion.
As we have had nearly 100 entries this has been a difficult contest to judge and although not a winner, we thoroughly enjoyed reading your entry.
We hope that you will enter the rest of the rounds in our Rhyming Extravaganza.
All the best Sue and Jeff.
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You've captured quite a nice rhythm with this poem here
and good rhyme too! I had almost the feel this was some kind of song actually!
thank you for entering the contest, I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
It has a nice rhythm, it was sort of short, I was hoping for a little more, but, eh. I really have nothing but that to say. A good poem that you have written here.
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Great!
I love it
Thanks for entering -
Wow, such a wonderful picture you have painted of the park. It sounded just like our city park here. Excellent write, good luck in the contest
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Some nice attention to sound in this and some nice imagery. I would get rid of the elipses in the last line and maybe move the final thought to its own line, or even leave it at rocks slowly and let the reader fill in that last thought. Just thoughts, though. I did enjoy this. Thank you.
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Takes me straight back to the park when I was young.
Love the imagery.Love this line
at quackers
waddle full of Sunblest, (ready to eat).
Well done.
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you paint these pictures of real life in your writing with that little twist of humor so much i love your style and this my frien is no diffrent
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This is a great little poem you penned here honey, observation tinged with sadness. Am sure it will do well. Good one Alex, sj
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A deceptively simple poem which is much more meaningful than it looks at first glance, and the ending gives it real impact. Very good.
Bill
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Simple and obserbvant.
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At first I really thought this would be a simple poem that was childish, from the way the words are arranged and the short lines.
But actually, as I read on, I was surprised at how the observations were not childish, though still simple and easy for any reader to really picture. -
This is interesting. It seems playful up until the last two lines. They are somewhat sad. Missing someone that should be there. The imagery is excellent. Well done and good luck in the contest.
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A brilliant ending. At first thought "What am I reading", then I continued and it suddenly opened my mind. Why do we often forget the small things? You painted your picture well: the good, the bad and the ugly....and then "An empty swing rocks slowly...how I wish you were here". Some pain and longing here. I can see you walk among the throng, but all by yourself, and then your wish - actually more than that. I am glad I read this before closing down for the day. Damn, this kind of poetry gets underneath one's skin.
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That last line really stopped me in its tracks, a very powerful closure which gave life and vision to the rest of the poem. Extremely well done, in fact I must just read it again. Val
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