Parched under a pitiless sun,
this landscape shrivels the heart
and mind. The inhuman scale
assaults the senses and bleachs
colour from the salt-scoured sand.
Turkey buzzards circle endlessly,
alien aircraft with carrion tastes,
and the mountains mock my frail
attempts to reach them. My leather
boots have split and my feet are
blistered and swollen, as is my tongue.
The sun, a bloated ball of fire,
is relentless and the desert an arid sea.
I am lost, a pilgrim in a biblical land,
and there is no God to pity me.
A contest entry
- The Desert by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended August 24, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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You misspelled “bleaches.”
I like your images and metaphor, but I think cutting some of these definitive articles and conjunctions would strengthen the poem. Let me show you:
Parched under a pitiless sun,
this landscape shrivels the heart
and mind. The inhuman scale
assaults the senses
bleaches colour from salt-scoured sand.
Turkey buzzards circle
endlessly, alien aircraft
with carrion tastes.
The mountains mock my frail
attempts to reach them.
Leather boots have split and
my feet are blistered and swollen,
as is my tongue.
The sun, a bloated ball of fire,
relentless, and the desert an arid sea.
I am lost, pilgrim in a biblical land,
and there is no God to pity me. -
oooh! packed images! i loved the way you described the various elements and at the same time described the story. i especially like the image of "bloated ball" for the sun. it's like it couldn't even stand its own heat. i like the use of "turkey buzzards" as compared to vultures and the comparison of it to "alien aircraft" really suits well! i just googled its pic... the skin on its head looks like it's been scorched off..
yo!
wonderfully composed with a smooth but sad ending.
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I really like this, it's vivid. The images you conjure are really stark like the desert, I love the ending, as it truly sometimes seems a Godless place, but actually, God is all around, and if you survive this, you are that much closer, nicely written!
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Sensational imagery...
You are a magnificent story-teller. I felt like I was lost in the desert, within inches of death.
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Good
I liked your "parched", "Shrivels", Assaults, bleachs, salt-scoured, ... descriptions.. good comparisons.
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This is superb, Bill. What an imagination, the imagery is breathtaking, it's written beautifully, and the ending is out of this world,
very well done indeeed,
Alex.
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