The sun
An egg
Dips below the horizon
Its rays, warm hands
Melting into the scorching sand
A tumbleweed
Rolls by
In silent desperation
The cloudless sky
Waiting patiently
For the heavens to cry
The will of fire
Burns in the desert
A rekindled flame
Dancing on the sizzling ground
A lost breeze
Moaning with anticipation
Waiting
For the heavens
To cry its tears of life
The sparkling sands
Desert jewels
Gleaming with the sun
All is silent
But the cry of the coyote
And the howls of the wolf
The cactus's standing still
Waiting
For the heavens to cry.
A contest entry
- The Desert by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended August 24, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Hi
The first thing that I noticed that you have a lot of mixed metaphors. That causes the reader a sort of sensory confusion as they read. For example, you compare the sun to an egg. That’s fine, and I can picture it, but then you go and give that egg hands that melt into scorching sand. The images just aren’t congruent.
On a side note; in line 5 you use two present participles. Present participles are weak, and can almost always be avoided by using the action verb, for example:
Melts into scorching sand.
The tumbleweed seems to be symbolic of something, either the writer or mankind in general. If it is in “silent desperation,” what is it desperate for?
In lines 10 15, 17, 18, 23, and 28, you have more present participles that could be changed into an action verbs.
Line 11 is a cliché. Clichés are pre-fabricated phrases that can be used without any thinking but they sacrifice your individuality, and you end up letting someone else do half your thinking for you.
Lines 12 and 13 are very nice.
Dancing on the sizzling ground
You misspelled “anticipation,” and, as with the tumbleweed, you don’t make clear what the lost wind is anticipating. I believer a writer should have something to say, and in their poetry they need to choose every image, every metaphor, allusion, symbol and simile, every word carefully to convey that idea. I get an overwhelming sense of sadness from this poem, but I don’t know why. -
ooh! i really like this! lovely images penned here.. you show the atmosphere of the desert really well, the heat, the elements, the silent but expressive emotion of desperation.. beautiful... the flow was good too.
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