The binds of love are oh so constricting
I dont want the commitment
the stifling
the jealousy when she comes around, the hate when she two makes her sound
Elusive at best
My feelings for you
So sweet and so much desire
and a battle with your moments
And you have your moments
You have your anti-moments, where all is wrong and I hate you
All that's left is pre-coital delight, our mutual indulgence
our segue into animal pleasure
Afterward I am numb, and very tired
You are an excellent lover,
As in the making love sense
so take little offense
I am leaving you
I can keep up and fuck from home plate to fence
but I need a mental mate
and I lack in defense
game over
A contest entry
- making a statement by Mystikrypton.
400 points, ended August 22, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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yes
finally! Someone who isn't in it for the sex! I love your beautiful mind! Your feelings shine vibrantly in this piece, I enjoyed it greatly.
Blessed Be,
The Black Boquet
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Interesting perspective in this piece - well done. There are a few comments that I'm going to make, though. Firstly, I didn't really understand the line "the hate when she two makes her sound"...I think the word "two" didn't make sense to me. Was it supposed to be "too"? Secondly, I don't think the line "As in the making love sense" is necessary in the poem. It does help with the rhyming at the end, which I like, but saying "You are an excellent lover" is kind of self-explanatory. And lastly, I might suggest to have some sort of punctuation (maybe a dash or just press enter once) after the line "and I lack defense" to separate that line and "game over". I think it would give the last line of the poem a more terminal feel. Otherwise, well done, and good luck in the contest.
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