I know you remember those days
when we were filled with laughter,
when we were like blossoms charmed by hummingbirds,
always looking for a chance to dazzle and demand.
When the moon fell gently
into your eyes (yes, I always knew those were not tears
shining on your lashes),
I saw that the dirt on your face was just freckles from starlight,
because you were never well acquainted with the sun.
I’ll have to take you to see it sometime …
Is that not reason enough for you to stay?
Come, let’s live for that day.
ORIGINAL VERSION:
i know you remember those days
when we were filled with laughter,
when we were like blossoms charmed by humming bees
always looking for a chance to dazzle and demand.
when the moon fell gently into your eyes,
(yes, I always knew those were not tears shining upon your lashes)
i realized the dirt on your face was just freckles from starlight,
and that you were never well acquainted with the sun.
i’ll have to take you to see it someday soon…
is that not reason enough for you to stay?
come, let’s live for that day.
Author notes
A poem about someone very close to me whom I love very much... scribbled down as I was listening to them speak.
God bless, Oksana
Comments
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Well, Yes. I like this much better, although I must admit that I would not use as much punctuation--
remember that poetry has wings to fly the way prose
can't. Prose is a more militant entity.
Thank you for giving me this second privilege!
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Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts!
It means so much to me!
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Hahhhhhhh! How refreshing! I love it. Simple, direct. Well written with a great balance of tender images.
"yes, I always knew those were not tears shining upon your lashes".
A very good write and the recipient should feel extra special.
Thank you for sharing a lovely, honest piece.
*Observation*
Form was suitable for what you were
saying; just wondering about my favorite line
that expands in the middle. Could it
be divided?
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Thank you for your wonderful words.
I wrote a second version of this piece a few days ago, with different line breaks, including the one you suggested (great minds think alike! lol). I'll add it to my poem above... let me know what you think if you have time!
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I admit I found my way here by way of the forums. I noticed your problem, but I am nobody and cannot help.
So, I am sticking around because of your poem. It has a very simplistic charm about it. The imagery is light and delicate and dances (if that is possible).
I do feel that with the use of punctuation, you should probably capitalize your sentence beginnings. Not every line, just every sentence.
Overall, a wonderful read. I truly liked it.
Thank you for sharing.
rous
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Thanks for stopping by Rous! Yes, dancing imagery is possible; and it's the one of the nicest compliments I've ever recieved. Thank you so much!!
I'm doing a second version of this poem, with a more even rhythm, and I'll take your tip about capitalization into consideration.
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I found the post you made mention in Forums, Cat, and I see what you mean about your poem comments not being stacked as replies to commenters...So at least we know it's not problems with the browser, cause I'm seeing the same thing.
What I'd do is put a ticket on the post stating just as you had in Forums the problems you're experiencing. Usually someone on AP staff will stop by in a day-or-two to remedy it for you...Though I'm hoping for you it's just a temporary quirk thing.
By the way, I got a chance to read you poem too. It's a very sweet poem of young love and I love the title in relation to the poem as a whole. Glad I had the chance to read it--Especially under the circumstances!
Jo
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Thank you Jo for stopping by and helping out! I'm so glad you liked my poem.
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'always looking for a chance to dazzle and demand'
This is an awesome line - nicely done!
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Thanks Daydreambeliever! I love your username. "Dazzle and demand" was a phrase I actually found while playing with my magnetic poetry.
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This is a touching tribute to your friend. I love the way you see this person, well described within the poem. I see love
" when the moon fell gently into your eyes,
(yes, I always knew those were not tears shining upon your lashes)"
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Thank you Redstormy for your wonderful words!
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I have a daughter who will love this poem - I can just hear what she will say! I can appreciate the 'memories' - a sort of taking back to pick the days; also the subtle coercion of wanting your friend to remain her trust in you, while you will be there again for her; also: you will have to keep the side of the 'bargain'. You end the poem well...it's as if we will be waiting to hear its final conclusion. Open and honest with slight nudging trusting friendship!
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Thanks Frans! I'm honoured to hear that you want to share this poem with others. I hope your daughter likes it.
I am amazed at how well you've "read into" this poem. I tried to make it abstract, but you've really found the message I was trying to send. What you've described is exactly what I'm going through. Thanks for reading!
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This indeed was a wondeful entry. This just can be felt with such heartfelt warmth. Thanks for sharingbest of luck to you
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Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting! It means so much to me.
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Good, Real Good
Thanks from the heart. Reads righteously. -
this made me think of a pair of best friends.though the end contrasts so much to where i thought it was going. i usually like sad endings. i like this.
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Thank you so much!
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It's... charming? That seems to fit it very well to me. A charming little poem. Well done =)
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Thank you! Charming -- that's the feel I was going for, and I'm so glad you like it!
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I loved how you wrote this while talking to the very person this is about... it makes the poem really unique. Good imagery. Thanks for entering the contest!
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Thank you for your kind words!
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wow
i agree with kitty, your imagery is very good, but your emotions are not presented here. which throws me off...but good one though i liked it...well done....
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Thanks TheLegend for your comment and applause!
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like blossoms charmed by humming bees
that was so very sweet and charming!! I absolutely loved it!! one slight suggestion though( if you donot mind!!) if you could try to have a more regular rythem, this poem is sweet and very lovely, but it is complicated for the reader to understand your message when they are so busy trying to keep in the speed of the poem!! Thankyou so much for gracing allpoetry.com with your poetic words!!
much luv~
kitty -
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Thank you for your constructive comments Kitty! I was thinking yesterday of breaking it up into a more even rhythm, and I might do a second version of this poem later. Thanks for your suggestions and kind words!
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You're imagery is very good, but I feel the emotion is lacking. I do love this stanza though:
'i realized the dirt on your face was just freckles from starlight,
and that you weren’t too well acquainted with the sun.'
It kind of reminds me of me. haha Well, good job and good luck. ^_^
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts RedRoseSpiral! It's always good to hear different views.
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this is exceptionally sweet, tugs at my heart.. loved it lots, thanks for sharing, luv and cheers, shuvi
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Thank you Shuvi!
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BEAUTIFUL!
I really love this write. It seems to me that the writer is the optimistic one trying to persuade the negative other to remember all the good times and to just forget the bad and be together. Great job! the last stanza is my favorite. It's like the hook. It makes me want to be involved and get excited for memories!
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Thank you Silly Ninja! You comment means a lot to me because that's pretty much an exact description of my relationship with that person, and I'm so glad you could see that so clearly in my poem!
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Pretty Good.
I do like the imagery. I am a big fan of poetry that can paint pictures in your mind. This was a very sweet poem and I loved the message. It reminded me a lof of my current relationship. The last two lines of this poem seemed a little distracting because of the sudden break into rhyme scheme. However, I'm sure I'm just being picky so ignore me. I really liked the piece as a whole and it was a very fun read. Keep up the good work and keep writing.
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Thanks Kenji for your wonderful comment! I'm not too sure about the last two lines either, but they expressed what I was trying to say, and the rhyme wasn't on purpose.
Oksana
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sweet
What a sweet poem, it definitely has me remembering some lovely moments... I can offer a little bit advice. In the second stanza I think there are two unnecessary words...
you write:
when the moon fell gently into your eyes,
(yes, I always knew those were not tears that shone upon your lashes)
i realized the dirt on your face was just freckles from starlight,
and that you weren’t too well acquainted with the sun.
It's be cleaner as:
when the moon fell gently into your eyes,
(yes, I always knew those were not tears shining upon your lashes)
i realized the dirt on your face was just freckles from starlight,
and that you weren’t well acquainted with the sun.
I added 'shining' instead of 'that shone' and took out 'too' because 'too well acquainted' just seemed redundant. I mean, these are just suggestions, since I like to offer a bit of constructive criticism to all comments, just in case the poet agrees with me. But honestly, your piece is just beautiful. The imagery is fabulous.
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Wow, thank you Spiritree for your help! I've taken your advice (and slightly modified part of it) and I like my poem much better now. Thanks for pointing out those lines to me, and for your wonderful comments!
Oksana
PS. You have a lovely username!
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Absolutely beautiful imagery. Breathtaking poem. Best of luck in the contest!
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Thank you Elisabeth!
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That was truly beautiful. I loved the emotion and the fantastic imagery that you had throughout. You have to win at *least* one of these contests. Wonderful poem.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~ -
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Aww, thanks SpydurPoet. It's a pleasure to read encouraging comments like yours!
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Thank you for your beautifully sentimental entry, Josephine
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Thanks Poetryintheblood! It's great to be part of your contest!
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Such wonderful memories you have shared. Wonderful imagery and emotions. Good luck in the contests
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Thank you Tawk! I'm glad you liked it!
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