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No Escape

You fall in, you have no choice.
Sinking.

    Deeper,
         Deeper,
             Deeper.
You try to swim but the surface
    Is
        So
            Far
                Away.
The darkness seems to deepen.
You struggle to get free.
Something is pulling you
D
 E
  E
   P
    E
     R
You swim your hardest.
             up
         up
    up
You reach the surface!
Breathe.
If only for a minute.
A minute's safety.
A minute's happiness.
Suddenly you are pulled
down,
     down,
         down.
No escape.
Crushing pressure.
Only darkness.
No escape from the ocean of your tears.


Depression.

Killing you from the inside out.

Author notes

I hope this counts as under 30 lines because some words take up multiple lines : )

Sorry if this isn't what you're looking for, but it's the most metaphorical piece I have, I think.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • Danna Hobart
    October 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like the form of the poem. It doesn't always work when people space words the way yuo did, but it works well here.

    The only suggestion I have would be to put some feeling into it. The piece is mostly movement, sinking and swimming and sinking again. You put a little bit of emotion in it when you speak of the moment's happiness crushing pressure, but I think you could expand on that. What does it feel like to reach the top and be able to breathe for a moment before you get pulled under again? And as you are pulled back under, is there fear that this time you won't get back to the surface again?

    I have a friend who nearly drowned once, and she told me that drowning does not hurt.

    Thanks for entering.


  • Mezclita
    October 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    nice presentation... i like the light purple against black too! and of course the message makes great sense especially the conclusion! Thank u 4 it!


  • genderideals--
    October 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is so completely true. Unfortunately, I have felt this way before. < 33 I hope you feel better and can reach the surface soon.


  • bonjourbunnie
    October 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Oh. I love this one. I find an ocean, black and endless, is the best way to describe depression and other such mental disorders. The poem is beautiful and the way that you have set it up adds to it emensely. Thank you for submitting this poe, and good luck.


  • Sergeant Awesome
    September 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Different. But it surely captured the theme of darkness and depression and being lost in RHPS


  • Cherokee
    September 24, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Well, it's pretty neck and neck so far so...


  • DancingRed
    September 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    "Depression.

Killing you from the inside out."

    -- I love that as an ending. It puts the whole poem in perspective and clearly dictates what the metaphor really is.

    All the ups and downs are well conveyed, but perhaps all line beginnings could be lowercase to keep each line flowing into the next.

    Thanks for entering, however I asked for poems of twenty lines or less so this probably will not win.

    DancingRed.


  • Auburn Sunrise gold member
    September 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    excellent use of word placement!

    I love how you illustrate the direction of the words with their placement. It's almost a concrete poem, yet it is more contemporary...
    The words chosen were quite simple, but I enjoyed the style so much I found it perhaps even better off without all the intense descriptions most poems carry these days.
    I really liked the ending lines. Also, drowning is a wonderful metaphor for depression... and the close to breaking the surface type going up that you illustrate reminds me of bipolar disorder - up and down, up and down - but never safe from drowning.
    Wonderful!
    Thanks for the entry!


  • LucyLightning
    September 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    ooooooooo.
    i like this.


    good job, dear!


  • edit my world.
    August 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for this....i really enjoyed reading it! it pin pointed how i feel. And also reminded me the time i drowned in a pool. lol
    Thanks for entering
    <3Dani


  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    August 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I know all about depression and the ups and downs that come with it [though I think ups with downs is bi-polar]. Very difficult thing to go through, had really bad bouts of it myself and it feels damn near impossible at the time to get out of it. Greatly expressed and explained here.


  • sarajaneUK
    August 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Although its years since i was depressed to this depth, i remember it well...and it is just as you describe here. A good poem i'm sure many will relate to. sj


  • PaiigeBARBIE
    August 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    awwwwwww, this is beautiful.
    i really like this.
    ♥


  • NickN
    August 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Awesome write hun! I can relate greatly to what you feel and express here. Talk to you soon I hope.

    -Nick


  • samara11278
    August 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    TY!!

    • NickN
      August 5, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      You can edit your poem by clicking on edit in the upper right of the page to put the stuff in the authors note.

1 - 16 of 16