Was a stereotype on two-legs
Lurching towards where I sat
Sullenly, at the wedding table.
And going amongst the 'toff lot' -
Silk gloves, silk dresses, bowed hats
His pallid white shirt, untucked
Protests the fine apparel of our "other"
Guests. Sitting beside me, forward leaning
And forward moaning, through smoke-stained
Teeth, a warm smile eases his demeanour.
He must liken his speech to a healer;
His profanities are an education
A whole teaching manner in that
"it-doesn't-matter" swagger. A ladies man
And a drinker, a confident booze dregged slinker
Makes contact with me the dull faced thinker
And together we bemoan the dancers and disco.
Author notes
This is a first and rough draft of something I'm working on. The narrative concerns a friend of the family on my mothers side, and his intergration amongst the extended family at my mothers wedding.
Criticisms wanted, for this and my earlier poem if you'd be so kind. Thank you.
Comments
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Interesting
This is an interesting first draft, I like the way you use someone you know as your muse. In several ways, the way you describe him, I can liken him to you
Like your previous poem, it seems like you've gone for the free-verse style. However, I did notice the last two lines do not conform to the generic codes of free-verse, as you've rhymed. In most cases, I would frown upon trying to mix both, but it seems to work fairly well here, so i'm not too bothered by it.
Overall, it's a good solid first draft, something good to work upon.
I look forward to seeing the finished article.
SaintJimmy
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