Colour explodes into my continent
way past the myth
That brought darkness into my world
{Wrap this babe in cotton wool}
I wept
A thousand Islands
Stone sank in solitude,
One of my own making.
Tides crash down amongst this sunlit beach,
Dividing the particles of glistening rock,
Into a sanctuary
Of nothingness.
Wind swept, mind leapt, broken
I roar like the ocean now,
Larger than infinity,
No longer smaller,
Than your gratitude.
You made me into something
That I never was,
If I could turn the tides
Make this swell in my belly
Become part of this power,
It would rise over a thousand islands,
Rock solid, drowned,
Spilt over the earth.
I need to
Bear you down
Eradicate your poison,
With sweat, blood and gore,
Richness becoming from my deliverance.
My voice is clear
Resounding
I am not
what you said,
I am not
what you said
A contest entry
- 3 Part Contest: Part 1- Rage [[BIG POINTS]] by GiftedPsychosis.
1500 points, ended August 7, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Well i think you were robbed in the contest, but then i saw the age of the contest holder and understood - the judge does not get it...its one of the main reasons i do not attempt the whole contest scene here at AP, too many children and friends of friends holding contests for each other. It is as one of the other comments said, this is "transformational poetry" and no matter how gifted the child is, literarily, the lack of understanding with wisdom is missing.
~r.
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Hmm.. This is a very deep piece. I'm not quite sure if I understand it, I'll have to read it again.
Good luck in the contest! -
this is transformational poetry
a birth of knowledge ideas and ideals that sweep oceans and are reborn
excellent penning
release is a powerful ending/beginning/middle
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my favorite lines
i need to bear you down
eradicate your poison
this is very thought provoking.
very good read -
This was outstanding!
The use of imagery , was wonderful!
I need to bear you down
eradicate your poison
with sweat, blood and gore
richness becoming
my deliverence
~Lisa~
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Oh, wow, this is a really cool poem. YOu did a great job writing it!
keep up your great work! If I could turn the tides
make the swell in my belly
become part of this power,
it would rise over a thousand islands
rock solid, drowned
spilt over the earth
I need to bear you down
eradicate your poison
with sweat, blood and gore
richness becoming
my deliverence
My voice is clear,
resounding
over and over,
tidal,
I am not
what
you said,
release
That was just my favorite part! (pretty much the last half of the poem! lmao!) good work. good luck in the cotnest!
Crimson -
I really like the ending and the word usage and the use of the ocean and tides I have never been a fan of parenthesis though and that line kind of confuses me... good job
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hmmm, yes, the ending is much better.
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The personification and usage of continent, ocean and tides sweeps me along in an energetic exploration of the unconscious realms as they reach for expression, drive for understanding and deliverance. Your voice rings as a clarion of soul, calling out for others to hear this song of release as you allow us to read aloud your heart.
Blessings and best wishes,
~richard
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thankyou Richard for your comment, the last three words of my poem did not ring true for me, they did not sit pretty, so I changed them and well I feel free xxx
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good. real good.
I'm just glad this is still up from last night, can't believe you haven't run out of clicks yet. Lucky for me. Inspiring poem
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this is a good write nice metaphore, good luck in the contest
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Overtly Commenting :)
Variation on a theme hovering on the border between prose and poetry this composition could perhaps seek to reconcile the dichotomy between content and context - for example if the darkness had been overcome why through the black background is both it and the loathing overtly present ?
I need to bare you down ... should this read bear not bare ?
"If I could turn the tides
make the swell in my belly
be a part of this power," holds powerful poetic potential ... one might ask if "become" could replace "be a"
Hoping this comment is construed as constructive criticism ... -
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thank you for your critique, very much appreciated, I have taken note of your suggestions and applied, so thank you.
The darkness being the unrealised despair, which has now been realised and has now turned to anger, still not make sense?
Thanks for your help!
Lisa
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so many amazeing lines, where to start?
och... in order i suppose.
'into a sanctuary
of nothingness' particularly grabbed my attention, because we oft' dinna think of sanctuarys as being empty... as being nothing. but that can be precisly what it is... where the reason 'tis a sanctuary is because there is nothing.
the idea that someone made ye into something that ye never were was gripping, because of the stark honesty in it. true how people seek to bend and twist, there is theis need somehow to make evera thing, evera one fit into this wee box. and it isna so...
and to end wi' difiance, 'tis beautiful, and uplifting, but acheingly sad all at once, i canna tell ye how many times i 'ave thought or said the words 'i am no what ye say...' oft' tinged wi' an air of saddness, realiseing that yet another 'as no seen me for who i am. the sea, wich ye spoke was parfect for this, because is she no' never what she may seem? lovely visuals here, laden wi' emotion that reaches out from the waves of your words.
i am in awe,
arden
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