returned from lush olive mount
there was a sated glow
about her - both of them,
in fact, irradiated;
the gathering observed only
that she was changed;
stood sternly in salute,
exchanged a greeting.
with crimson discomfort
she made pale excuse -
an urgent kitchen duty;
kissed Him awkwardly
on either bearded cheek,
left them bristling
visibly at table with
twelve sullen scowls.
sidling sly glances,
Gethsemane grumbled
as He watched evening
shadow bathe her beauty;
apostolic jealousy intense,
but muzzled as each held
bless'd broken bread,
and puzzled at His Words
Author notes
P.J. Murphy (Liltandrhyme)
Reason/Theme: To revisit a well-known moment in history, and paint the characters, actions, thoughts and feelings as I would imagine them to have been.
The absence of capitalization at the beginning of each line is intended to emphasize those words which are capitalized; the idea here being to dissemble, and allow the reader to gradually understand what is being recounted.
Raven Contest Entry code: 2007RC089.
Addendum:
I've become aware from some comments that I have assumed a knowledge on the part of the reader of this story, which is to my discredit. Although a fundamentalist agnostic, I was raised Catholic, and the story of the Last Supper, the vigil at Gethsemane were so familiar, I had not allowed for those of differing religious upbringings not being familiar with the references to Gethsemane, the breaking of the bread, the 'apostolic jealousy', and the capitalization of 'He', 'Him' etc.
The story depicts Jesus the man spending some of his last hours alone with Mary Magdalene, to the chagrin of the 12 apostles - purely my interpretation of what would be a more likely choice of someone about to give their life on the following day, and based on many biblical references to Jesus kissing Mary 'frequently' on the mouth.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Raven Contest: Uncovering Genius in the Written Word by Raven Contest.
14500 points, ended October 1, 2007, 53 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me anything! by ASmileForYou.
560 points, ended December 16, 2008, 138 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Something About God by reckless abandon.
700 points, ended January 1, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A contest just because I want to comment people. by AutumnsFlame.
400 points, ended May 29, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Don't show your anger and you won't feel it by shiratikva.
700 points, ended June 1, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - While I'm away... by AutumnGypsy.
3500 points, ended June 5, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Want Criticizim? Take A Look by HereComesTheSun.
700 points, ended July 28, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
-
i thought this movie was gonna relate to the movie but now that i read i know it doesnt. i still enjoyed it, i think it was good.
-
P: i enjoyed the write
N: without knowledge of what event i have little clue about what is going on in this piece
thanks for entering -
Hmm. Interesting. I liked it but it didn't give me any ideas.
Thanks for entering.
Dax
-
I came by and read this earlier, then thought about it for a while. It's wonderful! very imaginative, taking us to that time and place.
-
Wow this was so vivid, you captured such a wonderful creative tale in this well done. Best to you in the contest
-
This is great write and beautiful imagery in the piece.
These lines I liked the most:
"sidling sly glances,
Gethsemane grumbled
as He watched evening
shadow bathe her beauty;"
Well done.
Thank you for the entering this wonderful piece to my contest and good luck!
-
Wonderful poem, here! I liked this a lot. VERY creative theme. I never would have thought of something like this. Your imagery was beautiful. Thank you for entering my contest.
-
Congratulations on the Bronze Cups!!
A beautiful masterpiece!! Wishing you all the best, always!! Peace, Cyn 
-
Very good use of diction to get the right response. Very good write! Thanks for entering!
-
You did well in recalling that moment in history. I felt that your words really enhanced the message you portrayed.
Congratulations and good luck in the contest.
Chin up,
Swim.x -
I'm not always a fan of lowercase letters starting the line but your reason for doing so really makes sense. Great job. Thanks for entering and good luck.
-
This had very vivid images, good luck in contest.
-
Accurate, and yet you put your own twist into this. You are a very adept storyteller, and I enjoyed this thoroughly. Nicely done.
Best of luck and thanks for entering! -
This was an excellent work, on many levels. The only reason I did not place it in the finalists is that I decided to only reward works that had not previously trophied, Otherwise this would have definitely placed at or near the top. I will be visiting your page soon to see what else you have to offer. I'm sure I won't be disappointed.
-
The Last Supper - one moment in time I wish I could go back to. Well written. Best wishes.
WW -
Congrats on the Raven Contest! Bronze is quite an achievement!
I loved the poem itself and the title. There's a film called 12 Angry Men. It's rather odd but it's good to take a look at. It's about Jury Duty kind of thing.
Anyway great write. Well done once again. x -
Congratulations
Congratulations
on a very worthwhile trophy win and a interesting and engaging poem. In my own humble opinion it deserved a higher place. I was intrigued with the subject and the poem painted such a vivid and sensitive scene. my favorite verse
"with crimson discomfort
she made pale excuse -
an urgent kitchen duty;
kissed Him awkwardly
on either bearded cheek
left them bristling
visibly at table with
twelve sullen scowls"
thanks for sharing your work
all the best
perdix
-
Stopping in to congratulate you!! I absolutely love this poem. I am so happy to it trophied.
-
Bravo sir, well deserved!
-
I just want to say how much I enjoyed reading this piece and to congratulate you on securing third place in the recent Raven contest. Many congratulations!
-
Beautiful abstraction. The lowercase poetry is good as it leaves space for the few capitalised words to have a greater impact.
"with crimson discomfort
she made pale excuse -" - yeah, 'crimson' is a bit of an overused word, and it has connotations of angst and emo-ism, especially when coupled with the word 'pale'. I think different words could have been more effective there.
"sidling sly glances
Gethsemane grumbled" - great alliteration, and great choice of words; all the g sounds sound glug-ish and unhappy which ties in well with the grumbling.
Thanks for entering this fine piece (even if it's a little over the line count).
DancingRed.
-
very intriguing...
loved the take... very creative... a kind of ironic sting to it... I like the sullen scowls and for me it brought to mind (or at least inspired me to try to recall) the facial expressions displayed by those in the painting of "The Last Supper"
-
I was going to insist on author's notes before I wrote a review, but my learned (and it turns out more observant college) has saved from that foolish fate. That said, this is one of the most intelligent pieces I have seen entered into this contest, both in the qualifier rounds and here in the final. The Da Vinci Code has recently popularized a global examination of this time in our history, yet the characters remain without form: names, and pictures rendered from an artist's eye. The writing here attempts to restore the humanity to those involved by bringing them emotion and desire. I am impressed with how the author has taken to providing this image as surely there would have been easier ways to write about the experience.
I commend this effort and am delighted that your promotion to the final round has enabled us to partake of such excellent poetry.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
I think the author of this poem gives the reader a view of the last supper with a very different slant and it will be welcomed on individual levels according to personal beliefs. Some will like the idea of Jesus, as a man, enjoying his last night on Earth in a way that most men would wish to spend it.
The imagery has been used to good effect and I think the opening stanza immediately sets the scene on which the rest is built. The line “the gathering observed only / that she was changed;” adds an element of realistic intrigue as the disciples realise she has changed but are unable to voice an opinion out of reverence. The second stanza depicts her flustered embarrassment wonderfully, while the last stanza allows us to feel their jealousy while still unable to express it.
I think this poem, for all its shortness, creates a very intense and descriptive scene, due to the way it’s been structured and the vocabulary used, so what ever a persons beliefs are, it is a piece which should be enjoyed for it’s poetic and artistic worthiness.
Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.
Northern Raven
-
Good write here
I stumbled a few times but read it again and it was good
-
wonderful imagery. can't help but think that perhaps she "puzzled" at His Words" as she had an awareness beyond words....
-
"With crimson discomfort she made pale excuse" is remarkable phraseology.Liked how the title was not only an effective intro but part and parcel of the package.Effective internal rhyme with puzzled/muzzled.The laguage used is rich to weave this tapestry,the threads unravelling of the jaded green of the apostles who perhaps were the first to say Jesus Christ with the inflection of infliction,jealousy is something that easily rises and is hard to tame within a group gathering,if Jesus was flesh and bone then he would have had the same needs as every man,to walk with a picture dressed pretty,the write is creative from the inspiration of the contest mandate of twelve,crafted well.
-
Interesting. Have you seen the movie Twelve Angry Men? It's a good movie. If you haven't seen it, you definitely should as the movie is primarily about twelve men on jury duty who have to decide the fate of a man accused of killing his father.
I think the juxtaposition of the twelve apostles is a good one and complements the allusion to the play. Only, you seem to turn this allusion on its ear and make these men the ones who are facing judgement. I like it -
This is wonderful.
Relatively recent discoveries (within the last 100 years, i.e.: Nag Hammadi and others) shed new light on Judas, Thomas, and especially Mary Magdalene, who had been slandered by the church as the prostitute of John 8.
Even versions of scripture accepted by mainline christianity tell us that Jesus kissed Mary "often on the lips". The gospel of Philip (part of the Nag Hammadi discoveries) not only repeats this fact but adds one more point, a point that this poem reminded me of, that the other disciples where jealous of Mary and her unique relationship to Jesus.
This is familiar ground you are covering, but you have done so in a fresh and well crafted way. The title of course is perfect and starting at the mount of olives was particularly poignant...
More history than Dan Brown, I like this very much...
al -
mary magdalene as the lover?- the title is great- the story well versed- its good to find you getting your poet legs back on and stronger than ever- i love gethsamane grumbled.. all that anger and pain..
m -
I feel you did a great job at keeping it obscure.It makes the reader think about what is going on. It about a moment in time. I like the images you created with your words. The reader can follow what is going on. It about love.The was something in her that glowed. I truly like the ending. Very well done. I wish you the best on the contest.
-
I saw this as a family of maybe Greeks, with twelve brothers and one sister..aw, me and my imagination running wild
Or, it could be priests, overseeing a love pact, darn, there I go again, either way, a delightful poem. Especially loved the word "muzzled"
-
-
Hint: Capitalised H's, 'bless'd, broken bread' ....?
-
-
Mmm..Disciples..communion..."Lamb of God"
-
-
-
That's quite a take on your title and no doubt the implications of your verse will not sit well with many. I am not one of those. Then again, I could be misinterpreting. To me, it reads like a love story, and quite possibly the reason womnan were rendered to second class in the big scheme of things. Anyway enough jabbering...
This is a beautiful poem and the images vivid, I could picture each scene quite well, it was very touching.
" He watched evening
shadow bathe her beauty"
-
-
Luna,
Thank you so much for the kind comments - from a poet whose work I admire so much they are a treasure. I think you got the theme ok, based on your opening sentence and other comments, the idea was to keep it at least somewhat obscure until the end.
I wasn't thinking along the 'Da Vinci Code' lines particularly, just that, Divine or not, with impending death in the morning, consumption of bread and wine seemed a somewhat tame and unlikely way to spend the final evening...
Thanks again!
PJ
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 36 of 36
