you were wearing my sweater
and playing with the strings--
tightening and loosening the hood
over and over;
that room was so cold.
it was so -empty-
and I could hear mothers/wives/sisters
crying as they rushed loved ones
into this dreary place;
a coffee mug held your color pencils,
and a couple of rogue crayons
were scattered around your bedside.
I was flipping through your notebook-
pausing at all your creations-
in awe of the way you combined
magazine clippings
sketches
keepsakes
and your absolutely stunning words
all on one page.
there was an IV drip behind you
and I couldn’t look at that bruise
on your arm
where they’d taken your blood
for testing.
it made me sick to my stomach…
this whole place made me feel fucking
rancid.
the bar on your bed made me think
of the bunks we slept on
for the first decade of our lives;
remember when we made forts
out of them
and escaped to a distant land
together?
we always came home before dinnertime,
grinning at each other
in the way that only
sisters who share
secret worlds
can do.
[but what would I do if I had to return to reality alone?
how would I live without you?]
the plastic smell of those hospital sheets
still haunts me
when my groceries are being bagged,
and sometimes I hear my mind screaming
“I just don’t know what I’d do if I lost her”
over and over
like a broken record
skipping it’s way into insanity.
I can’t forget the look on
that police officers face,
or the way I was
the only one
to notice
that there were
exactly
twenty-seven
pills
lined up next to that glimmering
bottle of vodka;
& these are the things I can remember from the night you almost slipped away.
Author notes
This is clearly not my typical style of writing, and to the outsider reading this, I don't have a clue what it will look like, or if it's any good.
But I don't really care... because this is the most emotional, heartfelt, and theraputic piece I have ever written in my entire life.
[in short - this is about the night my identical twin sister and best friend in the whole world attempted suicide.]
For Shadow Heart:
Option number 2 & 3 & 6.66
2- my greatest fear is losing my sister.
3- my saddest moment was having that almost come true.
6.66- what can I say... I follow rules?
For Forget My Memories: Option #3
In a list
A contest entry
- 666 Ways To... by Rockstar Bob.
666 points, ended August 9, 2007, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options! Something for everyone. by forget my memories.
500 points, ended February 4, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Did You Win a Trophy? by Nam.
1750 points, ended October 18, 2007, 41 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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This is such a deep, sad yet very very beautiful poem. I enjoyed reading it so much. It almost made me cry...really. You deffinately did a great job.
Keep writing
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"that police officers face,
or the way I was"
Since you're speaking about one particular police officer, would not "officers" be "officer's"? I could be wrong.
The second line, I feel that "I was" should get its own line, or if not its own line then placed in front of the next line to continue. I do not feel it works well in the read with "or the way" - could just be me, though.
There was a particular line I didn't care for but that's a personal preference, and there really isn't any need to mention it because it really doesn't effect the poem in the slightest.
I didn't feel the last line(s) should have been broken so far away from the part above it, nor that it stretched out in one continuous line. I felt it should have kept form with the rest of the poem.
Other than that: a great poem that you have written here, very emotional, I'm quite sure. [I didn't read your author notes]
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My sister was commited into a facility about a year ago for attempted suicide. She took almost a whole bottle of pills and chased it with all the alcohol we had in the house. I got called home from school and my mother just said "your sister tried to kill herself... again" as if this were a non-chalant daily occurence. No one really understood why she wanted to kill herself... except me, really. She's so much more than she seems, my sister, but she's not as tough as she looks. I could really feel this poem because it reminds me of going to see her in the hospital and playing crazy 8's and I always won even though I always tried to lose. And I wrote her a poem while she was there. When she read it she said:
"This is the most beautiful thing I think I've ever read"
It really meant a lot to me. More than words could ever describe. -
Ughers, the three applauds won't show up. Just know that I think you deserve three.
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I commented on this before. But last time I only gave you two applauds for some odd reason. And I don't know why the fuck I did that.
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Babbe.. my heart hurts for you.
this is so emotion filled,
so deep
i love it.
It reminds me of all the times i want to cry everytime my brothers go and do something dangerous.
This is so powerfull. I hope everything is okay for you babe.
God this was heart breaking.
I love ya doll.
xx
♥
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I have no more free appluds because of this! Damn you! >
lol... I'm just kidding... seriously... I'm usually not one to sympathize with suicide.. but ... just ... Oh my God. You have taken my breath away with this piece. It's so raw and dramatic... and yet holds so much honesty and beauty. And the author's notes broke my heart. The judge who doesn't give this piece a gold or at least a silver is a fool... it is the most emotional and powerful piece I've read in awhile. BRAVO! And not that you need it but good luck in the contest. Oh and I hope you're sister is okay.
-Tarja
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This is such an emotional piece. I read it through, and couldn't stop reading because this was really a very intense and such a powerful read.
I don't know what I would have done if I were you. I hate hospitals too and I know about them all too well. But what happened to you is so heartbreaking. I hope that some of that pain dissolved as you wrote this.
This piece was just so heart-breaking to read. I hope everything is okay now
And this definitely was a very beautiful write. Even though there were so many raw emotions, you managed to portray such a vivid image in my mind. I loved the picture you added at the top. Oh my- this write almost made me cry.
Love
checkmate
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This was awesome, I really felt the emotions behind this. When you used the word rancid for how the whole situation made you feel, I realized that was the word I had been looking for to describe situations like that. I hadn't gotten it 'til today.
This was incredible.
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Simply amazing and heart-wrenching. Tore at me so much when reading it, then even more so after reading your author's notes! Brilliant. Adored the imagery - you made everything so vivid and feel-able (if that's a word).
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There's so much emotion in this.. it's so heartfelt it hurts. Amazing job, I know what it's like to see someone you love in the hospital. My father's been in one on and off for the past 5 months so I can somewhat relate. Very well written. Great job.
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You have a way of capturing every minute instance of this life - when you write the reader can see through your eyes and feel your emotion. This is very difficult to pull off - your talent is overwhelming. Excellent write here.
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This is amazing, you can really really feel all of the emotion, it's amazing
♥
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This is amazing not many words to say thank you so very much for entering my contest.
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wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
WOW!
=]
This was so so so so so so sad.
I wish I had an identical twin sister!
lol.
But, I really really really liked this.
It was truly truly beautiful.
wowees.
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Damn. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not an emotional person. Therefore it's hard for me to include a lot of emotion in my poetry. Yours however seems to be full of it, and it really takes me by surprise. I have had friends that commited suicide, but never someone as close a twin, or a sister for that matter. Then again my sister is 11 years younger than me, so I have a while before I have to worry about these kinds of things. Anyways, this is heartwrenching. Not something I was prepared for.
Khourey
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I'm the most emo person I know, in the (hopefully) least whiny way possible; Haha. Thank you for your lovely response to my piece!
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Heh... this is mirroring my best friend. I remember when my best friend tried this. And what's truly odd is that it was only like, two weeks before February 28th. It was the scariest thing I've ever seen, running into her room and seeing her lying there.
But, you know, sometimes you have to go through hard times to remember just how much people mean to you. And thank God they're now better, right? -
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best comment ever.
It was absolutely the scariest thing I've ever experienced. The line about "I just don't know what I'd do if I lost her" came from everyone later telling me that I was SCREAMING it overandoverandover to myself that night before I calmed down right after I got her into the hospital. I don't remember it that clearly, though. I've blocked out a TON of it, which is kind of why this was so theraputic. It made me remember parts and process them a bit.
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i just found this poem by accident, and what an amazing accident it turned out to be! even though the subject of this is sad and personal, your ability to write so well made it a damn good pleasure to read.
this truly is a terrific poem, written by a terrific poet. i'm glad i found you.
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well thank you VERY kindly sir.
I appreciate the comment!
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I definitely felt your emotion in this one. I hope that she is fine now. I hope you have an even stronger connection with her after that night. I just hope every thing's alright. Lovely emotions.
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oh golly. This brings me to tears...
This is your masterpiece.
I can feel your heart breaking in it. My sister is my best friend in the whole world, and she almost died in september. It was the hardest time in my life, thinking what would I do without her? I thank the good lord for her good health now...I can totally relate to the pain you feel about your sister. Sisters have the most special kind of relationship. You will always have a friend when you have a sister. I'm sure it's even harder with a twin. . .I'm sorry for rambling...but this is stunning. so beautiful and heart wrenching.
amazing dear. I love it all.
the bar on your bed made me think
of the bunks we slept on
for the first decade of our lives;
remember when we made forts
out of them
and escaped to a distant land
together?
we always came home before dinnertime,
grinning at each other
in the way that only
sisters who share
secret worlds
can do.
[but what would I do if I had to return to reality alone?
how would I live without you?]
-
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aww baby! i'm glad your sister's okay, too!
you're amazing, and you always seem to know the right things to say about my writing. godd<3 -
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you my dear, are amazing.
love this piece.
-
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"the bar on your bed made me think
of the bunks we slept on
for the first decade of our lives;
remember when we made forts
out of them
and escaped to a distant land
together?
we always came home before dinnertime,
grinning at each other
in the way that only
sisters who share
secret worlds
can do.
[but what would I do if I had to return to reality alone?
how would I live without you?]"
"I was
the only one
to notice
that there were
exactly
twenty-seven
pills
lined up next to that glimmering
bottle of vodka;
& these are the things I can remember from the night you almost slipped away."
oh my gosh......
I don't know what to say.
this makes me want to cry. I'm best friends with my sister too... we share the same birthday but shes 2 yrs older. I used to be suicidal, and this piece sortof reminds me of her perspective.
I can't get over how sad this is... ♥ it.
I hope you two will never be parted.
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oh wow... I'm so glad that this makes sense to someone other than me.
I appreciate this comment so much, babe. I don't like that you feel like crying, but I love it in a twisted way because everytime I read it I feel like crying. so it's like... I'm not alone in that, ya know?
& you're lucky to have a sister you're close with... I hope you know that!
♥ ♥ you're incredible.
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