Hanging there silently upon nothing
the moon....
reality or paper mache`?
The eye, magnetically drawn
to positive light
mirrors personal dreams.
Earth's natural satilite,
illuminates portents of hopes
a shroud immortilizing promises.
A terrestrial planet,
Luna, Selene or Artemis?
cratered face floods the earth,
woven beams trailing like etheral strands,
carried on atmospheric wind,
fused into ......... reality.
A contest entry
- Can you beat the moon cliché? by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended August 10, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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wow i'v never read anything as amazing as this, your really really good at this, pitty i cant add anything, grrr school computers suck,
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Hmmm...
The idea of the moon hanging silently on nothing could be either cliche or allusion. I think it is from the Bible, so I will call it allusion.
one is yeilding, malable,
the other, solidly fixed.
I'd suggest cutting these two lines. Learn to trust yourself and your reader. A poet should choose every word carefully, every image, metaphor, allusion, symbol and simile should point to the idea that the poet is trying to convey, but don't draw that conclusion for your reader. If you do your job right, you won't need to. To put it in the words of E.B. White, " A poet dares be just so clear and no clearer.... He unzips the veil from beauty, but does not remove it. A poet utterly clear is a trifle glaring." Rene Char phrased it this way, "A poet must leave traces of his passage, not proof. Those two lines are just too much "proof." (And me writing that out after I already explained it is also too much proof
)
By some coincidence
the eye is always magnetically drawn
to the light that is positive... is certain,
especially so that which appreciatively
holds our personal dreams.
This stanza is not particularly poetic. It seems way too literal, and I dislike the way the third line is phrased. Below is an example of how it could be rephrased:
Like the tides,
the eyes is magnetically drawn
to dream light.
This conveys the same idea, but in it uses the simile of the tides to reenforce the idea of the moon's magnetic pull.
Oh, and I am going to stop critiquing there. I would have the same suggestions for your other stanzas. Line two is your best. It's a good image.
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