it was a stiff
morning, cold joints
squeaking in tune with
the birds i wished
would fade out
i planted fumbling, meaningful
kisses on her neck, tried
hard in subtlety to announce
my presence alongside her
slumbering wreck, drifting
about like tidewood
my arms a vice
and i awoke
the jaundice walls tinted clover
my vision a sickly blue
oh, how i'll miss her
familiar, blurry-pink warmth
as she rots in a ditch
along our favorite road
Author notes
I (still) need a fucking girlfriend.
This is not the original version; I had entered this in one of Nicole Hanna's contests, one that asked the contestant to change one small part of the poem such that the entire meaning of the poem was changed. Here's the original version:
it was a stiff
morning, cold joints
squeeking in tune with
the birds i wished
would fade out
i planted fumbling, meaningful
kisses on her neck, tried
hard in subtlety to announce
my presence alongside her
slumbering wreck, drifting
about like tidewood
my arms a vice
and i awoke
the jaundice walls tinted clover
my vision a sickly blue
and she was gone
and perhaps never there
Won silver in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2414155
In a list
Comments
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Wow. I can see the similarity between the three of them and with the slight differences between them I could read them all so differently. I think that it's cool that you can take one poem and make it sound so different with just a few changes. That makes me think I should word my own more carefully than I do. I kind of slap them together like some kids finger painting that gets all brown from being mixed so much. lol I really like the version in the author notes the best.
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A good poem that you have written here.
-Nam
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very nice!
i like this one a lot. your skill is very evident in this piece and i love how you portrayed emotions here.
good write!!!
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I'm impressed.
Both the original and the changed version are really good but I prefere the original. That as you said is more drem-like and subtile,as you said,with hints of what i really happening.The changed version is too obvious,that dark mistery that lets you thinking of what really had hapened is gone.
You really are a skillful poet.I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
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I like the changed version better. I just don't feel that the original has enough...well, oomph at the end. It sort of fades out, whereas the changed goes out with a bang and an "Oh, shit!"
Literally the one thing in this entire poem that I'm not sure about is the use of "squeeking." I'm not sure what it is about it, but it's just not working for me. And, my built in spell checker says its misspelled, so perhaps thats it. Perhaps you meant squeaking. I don't know, it just doesn't sound like a...malicious/dark enough word. Just doesn't..."go." Either way, I think you can do better, and either way, I don't really know what I'm talking about.
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Thanks for the comment.
You're right, "squeaking" was mis-spelled; I went back and fixed that. The original version of this was meant to have a murky, ethereal feel to it; kinda dreamy, I guess. When I changed the ending, I thought I'd leave it the rest of it that way to kinda shock the reader a little when they got to those last couple lines. It's still a murky, dream-like poem, only now you get hit by a train. At least, that's the idea.
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You're so good you suck. You make me sick. I'm jealous.
I love you and your words. If you don't send your stuff in to be published, I'm going to print every bit of it out and send it in for you, dammit!
I realize this was not really a critique. More of a demand of sorts. Deal with it.
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Published? Oh man, I don't think I'm good enough to do that. Unless I wanted to self-publish, that is, but that's just not the same.
Thank you, though. It means a lot that you like my scribblings.
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What? You don't think you're good enough?! Do you read at all? You're on par with the greatest. I read a lot. I know what I'm talking about.
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No I don't. Granted, I think I'm better than a lot of writers out there, but not good enough to get published. Maybe I'm just biased against it, though.
Thank you, though. You're a sweetheart, ya know that?
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I think, just for shits and giggles, you should just send in a few to someone. What is the worst that could happen? A no? You're already assuming that much, so what would it hurt?
No. I did not know that. Thank you.
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Honestly? The worst that could happen is that nobody there would even notice and I'd be ignored. I'm not afraid of being told "no".
No need to thank me.
How have you been? Aside from busy at work, that is.
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In a ditch? Did you push her out of the car?
I can't decide whether I like the original or the second version better. They are both impressive in their own way. I like your use of imagery. Thank you for entering. -
I like this, and I like the changes. It is definitely dark.
I loved "slumbering wreck/the jaundice walls tinted clover
my vision a sickly blue">>> these give some vivid images, and color the poem. I've read so much bland shit today, the cones in my eyes had ceased to work. The words foreshadow death, but you're not really sure until the end. And it's like bam! lol I felt the voice in last 2 lines whisper words full of malice. A very nice job, Dark Knight
thanks for entering and g'luck!
-sailor ptolema -
eh.. I thought this sounded familiar. Sure enough, you entered it into a contest of mine last year. Lol. Small world.
Anyway, the differences here are tangible, but still subtle, which I love. Obvious-ness is so boring. All the lines in the revision which hint at death... jaundice, sickly blue, slumbering wreck... very cool. They tie in quite nicely with the final line. I really enjoyed this. Thanks for entering... again ; -
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Thanks! I didn't even know you had commented...I don't think AP bothered to tell me.
Anyway, yeah, I wanted to make the changes quiet and subtle; it appears I've succeeded.
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Thank you for entering my contest. This was a very interesting poem. I'm interested to jnow what the inspiration and meaning is behind the poem (sorry i dont understand what it is about) so if you have some free time and would like to explain it to me i would appreciate it . I love how you describe your vision as "sickly blue" it is such an unexpected and originaal thought. Ha and dont worry we all (still) need a significant other, but someone will come just keep your hopes up. Great write and good luck
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Hm....
Wow...mysterious...picturing something that isn't there....
Love the author notes,I'm short of a boyfriend too....lol.
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Great
I really like this poem! It was really well written. Hope you find a girl^_^
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Fortunately, it would appear I have; an old friend.
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I need a fucking boyfriend.
You know, I actually liked the second stanza. I'm not sure if it was because of the little slant rhyme of neck and wreck, or it was the last line of it, 'my arms a vice'. Either way I'm kinda fond of it. It contrasts so much to the other two stanzas, being the most dreamy and sensual of the three. I guess it depends on how you look at it though. Anyhow, it's an attention getter to say the least. Is 'getter' even a word? I don't think it is.
Khourey
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Oh? A no-doubt pretty lass (I can't see your picture all that well; the screen here at work sucks) such as yourself is single?
I just realized that second stanza even contains slant rhyme. I hadn't even noticed until you pointed it out. -
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Let's just say I so happen to be a sarcastic, independant, honest person who goes to football games to actually watch them. lol That and highly unromantic. I'm not the typical 'girlfriend' material I guess. But oh well, my time will come I hope.
I love slant rhyme. Accidental slant rhyme is the best. -
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Oh yeah, and football rules. I admit, I've not gone to a high school game before because my high school team was terrible. I mostly watch the pros, but not college because college sucks.
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Oh, I think I like you now.
I tend to be cynical, annoying, honest, and, at times, distant. I'll sometimes do romantic stuff, but only when I know it'll actually work 'cause I usually fail at it hard. I'm not above going dutch, though I do prefer paying simply because I usually can.
That said, I'd like to think my time might, but realistically...probably not. I should just become a priest, but somehow I don't think the Catholics (or any religious body) would appreciate me for very long.
And yes, slant rhyme is fun, 'specially when it's accidental. -
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'Annoying'? Really? Wouldn't have guessed that one from you. However cynical, that I could see. I'm kinda rational and cynical myself, which is why I find the fact that I'm a writer/poet so funny. Normally writers are so dramatic when it comes to their emotions, which I tend to be kinda stoic. I have a kinda low tolerance for drama a lot of times. However that does not include action. I just got back from seeing the Borne Ultimatum, and it rocked. I'm a sucker for action movies. Especially ones that involve violent car chases.
If you become a catholic priest, I'm converting. I have a feeling that you would make for a highly entertaining priest. lol -
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Well, I tended to annoy the hell out of my last two girlfriends by basically being a complete dork. I mean, being silly is one thing, but I think I'd usually go a bit too far and drive them nuts, but not in a good way. If that makes any sense.
I like being rational and cynical, to be honest--it means I tend to examine things closely rather than just assume things will turn out alright or whatever.
I hate drama of any kind, 'specially melodrama. It's pointless and a big nuisance.
Action's alright, but I love horror. Good horror, that is--I'm not so much a gore hound as I am a plot freak. I love good plots and I especially love emotional depth.
Nah, they'd probably kick me outta the seminary for being a non-believing fraud.
That said, if I ever wound up being a priest, I'd be like the one from American Dad. That'd be awesome.
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a 'non-believing fraud'? LOL You know, that would make an awesome poem title. I might enter your new contest with a poem by that name.
I like horror too. Um...I want to say that I don't like the whole 'monster movie' thing, but I guess when it really good I can handle it. I'm more into the 'Hannibal Lecter' type movies though. Those creep-cause-it-could-actually-happen kinda movies.
Your picture's pretty too. LOL
By the end of this, you're going to have like fifty million comments on this poem.
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You and I should totally collaborate on a poem with that title. Seriously, it'd be awesome.
Silence of the Lambs ruled. The Shining and The Exorcist are like...the greatest horror films ever.
My picture is made of win and god. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's true.
I don't mind that; most of them will be between us.
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I'm holding you on that collaboration thing. I think it would be one hell of a poem. lol
I love the shinning. Actually, I love most anything by Stephen KIng. Have you had the chance to read 'Cell'? It's amazing. -
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I think it'd be fun to work with you. You're a lot of fun talking to, so I imagine writing with you would be even more awesome.
Turns out this place has the Interweb, so I'll be around like I am now. Your pic is purdier now that I'm on my laptop.
I actually have not read Cell. Believe it or not (braces for quick death), I've not read anything by Stephen King.
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It'd be fun to work with you as well. You think AP is ready for two brutal honest poets writing together? lol I guess we'll see. 'Non-believing Fraud'...um, that'll be interesting.
Nothing by Stephen huh? He has some good stuff. Dream Catcher was strange (that's a shocker) but good. Cell was just clever. Insomnia is original. Oh, what about Richard Bachman? The book, The Regulators rocks. Don't be fooled though, they're the same guy. Stephen is just cool like that.
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Oh, I think they can handle us. I think you came after guys like billydavidson--now *that* guy was nuts.
Sorry it took so long to reply to this. I got some pretty nasty sunburn (I can't remember if I told you that or not) and I'm more-or-less better now.
Yeah, I've heard a lot of good things about the guy; I just never got around to reading his material. I'm pretty picky when it comes to my reading material. I like history or the very occasional good science fiction book--A Canticle for Leibowitz and Snow Crash were both pretty cool.
But yeah, "non-believing fraud" would be a fun title. We should start working on that.
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great!!!
great poem it's a great read... your a wonderful poet -
..I love your comment. lol.
Be careful what you wish for.
I like the word play with these lines,
"my presence alongside her
slumbering wreck, drifting
about like tidewood"..
I liked this, I can't pinpoint any hard weaknesses
but i'm lousy at critiquing, unless it's blantantly obvious. lol.
Good luck in Nicoles contest!
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Thank you.
Yeah, my last two exes didn't work out too well, so I'm not thrilled with the prospect of another dating venture failing, but I suppose that's life.
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lmao You're author comments had me laughing. I'm married and the "I need a boyfriend" thought pops into my head from time to time . "slumbering wreck" was a perfect descriptive phrase. And the last stanza was very moving as well. You hinted you might work on this with "this is rough", lol, but never fear, I'll be back to read them all a dozen times before I judge. Oh, and the opening line was fantabulous, by the way.
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Thanks.
Yeah, I may go back and tweak this a bit here and there to help strengthen little bits. I don't like re-writing whole portions of poems; I prefer fine-tuning.
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Your opening stanza is excellent, really grabs hold and forces the theme into thoughts.
Second stanza is ok, a little flat after your opening but enough to carry the reader through.
Last stanza pulls it back together again, good visual and a perfect closing. Showing it as a dream (or knightmare).
The only thing I would do is to tighten up the second stanza ,, but thats just me.
PS. Can't help with the girlfriend .. sorry
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Thank you.
I think I just need to work on the first few lines of that second stanza; I'll see what I can think of.
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