Here on the Galactic Rim,
the stars are icy pinpoints
of diamond light, floating
in the ocean of night.
Nameless constellations
hover into view
as I drift in my
disabled space pod,
borne like a summer spore
on the cosmic tide.
Oh God, I am afraid:
out here in the celestial
deep, I gaze into the Void.
here, the familiar sight
of terrestrial skies
has been replaced
by cosmic dust
and endless space.
When my oxygen peters out,
I will become as silent and inert
as Draco and the Pleiades.
Perhaps, in time, my remains
will blaze like a tiny star--
a micro-super nova.
A contest entry
- Round one of four by Fire Opal, grannyeri, jess09stevenson, x Empathic Rose x, and IndividualEleven. by IndividualEleven.
800 points, ended September 8, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Out of the ordinary (PW allowed) by Aura of night.
320 points, ended November 15, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Very nicely done for this contest. I do like space and space writes, this was a good one.best of luck..Scott
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Nicely penned.
Best wishes in the contest.
Write on!
*PEACE*
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Beautiful write!
I love how you can make something so unknown and akward a beautiful write that people will enjoy reading. I was very comfortable reading these words and descriptions. I would love to see how this would look interpreted on film! GJ ~Sarah~
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pretty good
i like the emotional tone of it, detailed, i say good luck in the contest and thanks for entering -
Beautiful
You have painted a beautiful picture of the galaxy as one views it floating (Flying?) in the space seeing the grandeur of the creation and the wonders of natures evolution.
Don't know what the contest is about but your poetry rocks!!!
Good luck in the contest.
Love and blessings from India - Joel -
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I have to agree with the other judges, you have quite a few incredible lines, and the way it connects from start to finish is great in the imagery, however the rhymes, some good, some do sound forsed, but with that aside, I like the poem in how you wrote it, but the theme combined with thoughts and questions, seem to be not quite there. If your traveler were at the edge of the galaxy, and love by the way how you capture the beauty of the scene yet down casted by the obivous fate, I don't really see any real questions or thoughts, I dont see the traveler questioning at the last moment if this was worth it or if he could have lived a better life, so for me its half and half, great write, just not sure if its enough, lets see how it does on the judging board.
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"Here on the Galactic Rim,
the stars are icy pinpoints"
The first two lines really introduce me into your poem.
I am not sure though the way you have used rhyme in this kind of style was necessary. And I normally love rhyme but I feel that your more of a free verse person. Becasuse he first impression was the first two lines were wow. but I got a little disapointed by the rhyme that followed. It seemed a bit forced. but I have read the line on its own and it is very good but becasue your beginning was so good the rest of the poem cant compare so thats a good thing
I like the way you have connected the tide and ocean together that was very well done. and the summer spore great alliteration born on the cosmic tide. favorite lines so good. I saw the freedom floating in nowwhere and the way you search for somewhere to settle like a sead.
"here in the celestial
deep, I gaze into the Void."
these bursts of wonderful lines are wonderful to read I liked this becasue its a very passive and sensitive voyer on a journey.celestial deep very mysterious you have gaged a trap for me to read more, which I like
"endless space."
I felt really enlightened here loads of room noone in my way wow beats everyday hustle and bustle I like the emotion and calm of the piece.
"When my oxygen peters out,
I will become as silent and inert
as Draco and the Pleiades.
Perhaps, in time, my remains
will blaze like a tiny star--
a micro-super nova."
the ending seems so final and morbid but you have strangely twisted it to make it an honourable way to go. great view becoming one with the planets and stars and feeling free to see something that not many people see.
I love the message of not being afraid of death. It is very comforting.
well done I loved this poem good luck.:
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This poem makes good use of the words offered in the word list - this is easy to read and understand as well. What a terrifiying position to be in, but during this fear at least one can enjoy the beauty of the surroundings in space to reflect upon their last few moments of life.
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