Smoke trails mark my breath
to prove that I exist
on the balcony of this world,
Apartment 305.
Sound escapes my mouth,
but words are just ink
that fills a molded plastic tool,
and it feels none of what I say.
It cries upon command,
but doesn't really know the story
that I etch upon its voice
as nothing wells up in my eyes.
Looking down in pity,
I can neither read nor write,
but diffuse into the lie
and drift away in silence.
Author notes
Just a poem. It means what you want it to mean.
In a list
A contest entry
- oh, to just disappear... by CarCrashHumor.
1500 points, ended August 15, 2007, 48 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Guaranteed Comments! by Nam.
425 points, ended October 23, 2007, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITES! by forbidden-colour.
400 points, ended August 10, 112 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Say stuff.
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
-
re: the poem...
re: your notes - "A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest." - Simon and Garfunkel
-
Another beautiful write from you, a nice style change and interesting topics. I like your authors picture too, I have several species of spider enjoying my bedroom at the moment, bloody buggers!
Thank you for entering.
Sophie
-
This is pretty good ...
and I seriously am impressed.
The final stanza is a bit more negative than I expected from the rest of this, and it poses a question that the poem doesn't answer: it says you can neither read nor write, but you've said that by writing. It's a bit of a reverse to the old saying: "What's the use of saying pigs can't fly when you see them catching swallows?"
Other than that, this is good .
-
i can so relate
this is amazing! it so taps in on what i have been feeling lately. am i really here? does anyone really hear me? the only thing for sure is the smoke that escapes my breath. certainly, they must be able to see that?! really feeling this one. thank you so much for sharing this awesome work!
many blessings and *stomps
-
im awestruck
this was so amazing it made me feel abit nastalgic for i know not what reason you write like a friend of my used to speak beautifully with meaning and captivating words.
-
I felt this was deeply meaningful. Well, bugger it, that's not entirely true. It's a bit pretentious actually. But, believe me when I say this, it's 500% better than most of the shite here at AP.
Why do American people spell "moulded" without the "u"? It is SO goddam unaesthetic.
-
Emotional.
Like it, keep the faith.
-
Wonderful poem my friend, I liked this few lines a lot :
Sound escapes my mouth,
but words are just ink
that fills a molded plastic tool,
and it feels none of what I say.
Sometimes words can not express fully our feelings but we do try..
The whole piece is so deep and can be understood in so many ways..I guess it depend on the mood the person is in while reading it. you did great job. Best of luck
AJ
-
I found nothing coherently wrong with this poem. I really have nothing really to say but: a nice poem that you have written here.
-
I just read it again and Im sensing such a sad theme. Its funny I didnt see it the first time! Maybe im trying to find the light in everything at the moment.
Hope life is good to you.
Lisa x -
-
One thing I have noticed about people who know they have terminal illnesses is that they tend to learn to treasure their days, and so live much fuller lives than they might otherwise have. Brian has been gone for 13 years now, but I still look up to him for his courage and zest for living. Perhaps your friend's six years were more like sixty. Just thought I'd throw that out there, because I have found comfort in it many times.
~Morgan -
Really sorry to hear about your friend.
Sounds like she went through an awful lot, and I know that cancer is a pretty awful way to go to begin with. I had a very close friend die when I was in high school, and it is still hard to think about him sometimes. If the poem helped you feel some solace, well then that's a good thing; you've got to find it somewhere.
As for myself, life is ... interesting. It started being that way around the time I wrote this poem.
Take care,
Morgan
-
-
In the nicest possible way its so nice to read a poem of yours that is simplicity itself. I just mean that usually when reading your poems its such a barage of imagery that it gives an emotional punch and youre left feeling a bit knocked out. Thats a good thing. Its also a good thing to be able to read a poem thats just gentle and is more a soft carress than a gut punch.
Totally random but I found out today that a friend I knew relatively well had died at the weekend from cancer (her fifth time). She got told six years ago that she had weeks to live.. but anyway... im rambling. I just mean. I feel like I need this sort of poetry right now.
Refreshingly you. If that makes sense.
Too long I have stayed away and not read. Ill be back again and hopefully be more coherent!
Lisa x -
See, sometimes I get caught up in these solitary spirals that just depress me. Too much silence and wayyy too much time to think, and all the words I would even think to write down ..I burn them in my mind..not to it, but from it, because they hurt too much. I need my white noise to keep me from drifting too far inward.
-
I love how your work is unstructured - it flows free like thoughts. Always feel this mode of writing is very satisfying - and always excellent to read.
-
Very unique
My first impression is of words that tell a story of what it is like to put pen to paper and let your words flow. emotionally this poemrepresents a gift of great thought. The title says a lot at least to me it's like the words would go up in smoke if there were no pen to put them to paper. The first line goes along with the title very well as does the last line. I can just see all the thoughts and words giong up in smoke without the use of paper and pen to capture them. It is not an awkward poem to read. I wouldn't change anything about it. This poem captures my imagination very well. He says it is just a poem and can mean what you like well this is what it meant to me. Iliked it a lot.
-
*blinks, then gives a hug whoop*
It cries upon command,
but doesn't really know the story
This ^^ says it all. Wether I know what you meant or feel what you felt when you wrote this matters not; the fact that I can relate and tell you that I think I know that feeling well is all that matters
-
This is one of those that kind of makes you just hold your breath for awhile… I particularly like the first two lines. It seems like a whole lot of what we do is to prove we exist whether it be destructive or constructive. What is “Apartment 305.” ? You seem to have put a bit of emphasis on that. Is it just your place in space quite literally? I like how melancholy this whole piece is. It is as if you are talking from a mechanical perspective… or just outside of yourself. hermmm herm herm… I can’t say that there is anything I’d change. It’s pretty spiffy, yo.
-
beautiful.
the title is perfect.
"It cries upon command,
but doesn't really know the story
that I etch upon its voice "
-
Wow! This is an awesume way of saying what you want to say, without saying it, or without releasing your exact words you want to say, but maybe dont know how to word it. Does any of that nake since to you or did I read into it he wrong way? Because after re-reading I dont even know what Im tryin gto say besides this is a great poem.
-
Looking down in pity, I can neither read nor write, but diffuse into the lie, and drift away in silence...To feel so down that life's not worth living...very deep with emotions Thanks for sharing
-
All you need is to infuse a little soul into your existence. Survival from a purely rational point of view is bleak and pointless. Bounce a little when you walk, place some inflections in your speech, and don't give a fuck about anything but this moment. Easy.
-
-
You are such a good egg. I'm sure this poem is about suicide for some people. As usual, though, you are right; that's not what I was writing about. It's pretty "emo" ... but so be it. Life's confusing, and nobody's happy all the time. Thanks for reading.
~Morgan
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 23 of 23
