Screams fill the air,screams of glory,of pain,
I hear the screams of dead men,
dying men.
the noise echoes over and over in my head,
I try to make it stop,
But it will not.
This is war
Screams fill the air,
Screams of terror, of rage,
Raped women,
Slaughtered children.
I see the triumph in a soldier's eyes,
As he looks...smoldering child's body.
A child who, moments before had lived,
But was now dead.
unrecognizable,
riddled with bullets.
The sight hovers before my eyes,
I shut them, but it wont disappear.
It is is perfectly clear, vivid.
This is war.
Screams fill the air....
They are the survivors,
the ones who live the reality of what happened.
The victims of Rwanda, Nanking, Tibet and more,
Circumstances different yet united in memories,
of what was done...and what wasn't,
doomed forever to be pitied rather then emphasized with..
That is war
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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patterns
i have only read three of your poems, but already i am starting to see patterns. good job, and keep it up
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Very nice write. I totally agree. War is such a terrible thing. War is my favorite topic to write about actually. NIcely put. Bold and to the point.
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Ummm......
I agree with Micol...a little more shaping and this poem would be a true work of art. It wasn't horrible but it could be a lot better. As far as imagery and shaping and emotions are concerned...the apples should not fall far from their tree...if ya get my drift. -
Your sentiments come through strongly, powerfully. And you have a strong sense of words and image.
What is missing, I think, is a sense of control and shaping, something that moves the lines fom an individual expression of horror to a universal experience that compels, changes readers. The poem explains everything, asserts directly what you want to say.
There is nothing wrong with that, of course, but great poetry not only communicates meaning but triggers emotions.
Try something like "Dying men echo in my head." "Echo" implies "over and over," and it might be more powerful to have the men themselves present, not just disembodied screams.
Or try tightening each line. A good exercise--remove one word from aline like "as he looks at the smoldering body of a child." Transform it into "He looks...." Then remove another. And another. What about "Smoldering child" instead of "body of a child"--more horrific, perhaps, since in war not all of the victims are dead. Then try a verb that doesn't fit but shocks the reader into making connections: "He breathes a smoldering child."
In other words, let yourself go. But at the same time shape and pattern and control words and lines, even if the final poems looks and sounds spontaneous.
Hope this helps. It's a strategy that has worked in my classes. -
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Okay, I added a new verse, dont know if that made it any better but...comment please, I appreciated your blunt critism in your previous comment.
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Interesting piece. Vivid imagery and emotion. Thanks for entering and best of luck!
FallenPoeticAngel
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