Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Together

Creeping on me secretly              Every day
Is a secret that I want to hide      If I can
To find a way to push it back        I'll search
I'll deny it heatedly                Find a way

Angry men on maddened mounts          Gotta run
To try to rout them every turn        Gotta hide!
They'll turn me inside out            Whether I want
They'll make me cry and shout        Or not

But I must remain truthful or        It's for naught
They won't be able to help me        But I want them to
They can make all of my pain          Go away
Disappear forever and ever            Forever

In weakness lies greater strength    On my own
Confronting weakness heals            Too much
Because only when we confront        My fears
Do we heal the weals on our soul      Together.

Author notes

This is actually two poems put together. The lines go straight across, or you can read the separate parts as poems of their own... this was hard to write and it doesn't feel completely done, but I'm still proud of it.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • SpydurPoet gold member
    September 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Fascinating form. I think you did quite an excellent job on this poem. It was sad, but as always, with an element of hope. Beautiful!
    Write on.
    ~*~SP~*~


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    August 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    What an amazing challenge you have given yourself in this poem--A really clever idea. I think perhaps you swerved from the structure you have created for yourself, just a bit in places, but still that was a really cool poem!

    You have addressed some great things--that truth will prevail, and that strength can come from confronting our weakness. This was a wonderful and creative addition to the contest. Thank you so much for participating and for sharing your thoughts.


  • Mirthryl
    July 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I've never seen anything like this. Very difficult concept to execute, basically 3 poems, a-b-ab. You've taken on a massive challenge! Intriguing idea!

    My favorite stanza is the last of poem 'b', "On my own/too much/my fears/together", the realization that some things are too big to tackle successfully, if unaided!

    It could use some retooling in some areas, where the 'a' and 'b' lines don't link cleanly into 'ab' lines, as in line 7 "They'll turn me inside out/ whether I want" and line 14, "confronting weakness heals/too much". For me, the smoothest 'ab' stanza is the third.

    Kudos on your creativity!

    • BloodtippedWings
      August 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! Those are the lines that actually bother me most, and I'm trying to think of ways to fix that... I think I'm going to try and have this poem workshopped in my upcoming class to see what everyone else thinks it should take a turn for. I think I might just break the precedent and add "to" to "whether I want" because it would make the poem roll smoother, even if it does break the precedent that I just noticed I broke in another line XD

      I'm going to edit it after the contest. I don't think it's fair to submit something and then edit it unless there's a huge mistake.