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Checkerboard Love

I jump over you
You jump over me
Our checkerboard love
Is in jeopardy

You said you'd go easy
We promised to play fair
The black and white peaces
Are moved with out care

I pass you on the left
You skip to the right
I must grant you the wish
Of being king for the night

I know you're cheating
Though I can't tell how
You were back here then
But you're up there now

Our checkerboard love
Has almost lost its spark
It's the corner of life
That you seen to park

You think it's a game
But you play with such skill
Can't we retire this obsession
Up back to the window sill

We'll finnish this time
Never to play any more
The peaces of the game
Have been worn to the core

So you see you won
It is the game you adored
I will never fall again
To the love of the checkerboard

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • HagarenHanyou
    April 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    In a word: boring.

    "I jump over you
    You jump over me
    Our checkerboard love
    Is in jeapordy"

    Spelling: jeopardy**
    You need some punctuation here! Currently it reads like "I jump over you you jump over me our checkerboard love is in jeopardy," which is mightily confusing. Also, in case you diddn't know, capatilizing the first word of every line isn't required in poetry, nor is it even recommended nowadays, for fluency purposes. You rhyme is forced and your metre is pretty horrid as well. =[

    You said you'd go easy
    We promised to play fair
    The black and white peaces
    Are moved with out care

    Again, punctuation, but another thing I want to mention is the complete and total lack of imagery. You should SHOW not TELL us what's happening.

    I pass you on the left
    You skip to the right
    I must grant you the wish
    Of being king for the night

    The main problem here is the feeling of emptiness. Not only is there a lack of imagery but also a lack of standard understandability.

    I know you're cheating
    Though I can't tell how
    You were back here then
    But you're up there now

    A lot of this is just boring. There's no action, no imagery, nothing to really keep me interested. The only thing you have going for you in this whole poem is the extended metaphor, which is presented in a very trite manner.

    Our checkerboard love
    Has almost lost its spark
    It's the corner of life
    That you seen to park

    You mean seem in the last line here, right? Well, it still doesn't make very much sense. One way to tell your rhyme is forced is if your grammar or readability is impacted negatively.

    You think it's a game
    But you play with such skill
    Can't we retire this obsession
    Up back to the window sill

    The last line has little to no relation to the rest of the poem, and I believe windowsill is a compound word

    We'll finnsih this time
    Never to play any more
    The peaces of the game
    Have been worn to the core

    Spelling: finish**, pieces**
    Same stuff here.

    So you see you won
    It is the game you adored
    I will never fall agian
    To the love of the checkerboard

    Again, your main problems are imagery, coherency, forced rhyme and punctuation. Try to work on those things first and foremost.

  • Virgoan
    November 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Simple yet well deserving of the win. Love the metaphors in this piece.

    Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best in this contest.

    VIRGOAN

  • Mercury Rising
    November 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on winning the gold trophy. You surely deserved it with this wonderful extended metaphor on the chessboard of relationships. A delight to read.

    D.M.


  • Kram
    November 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Our checkerboard love.....it should be in a hidden sense without directly revealing what is it .....but its good


  • q-pid
    November 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Absluetly brilliant!!!!!!
    I love this poem.. very creative and unique
    I'm very impressed.


  • forbidden-colour
    September 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    A creative take on love here!
    Thank you for entering my dear.

    x


  • patsoldcat
    August 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    final edit

    nice and imaginative,
    use of the checker board and symbol of the game play of love of different people was very brilient.

    nice job

  • patsoldcat
    July 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    thank you

    blessings and luck

1 - 8 of 8