unpruned, untrained, unrestrained
weed-children wander
from sultry summer morns
past mothy street-light nights;
tangles of straggling brambles,
passions’ barbs biting self
in galling competition for
sovereignty of undisciplined soulscapes
unhappy, fortunate others
kick at parental scaffolding,
lean hard into bracing, ungraciously
take up level, hammer, saw;
discover satisfaction, hone skills
to shape creation and apply self-rule;
accomplished, lift wind sails to Life,
a mumbled “thanks”, and fly
yet loftier passage blazed by
noble lives abiding and long past,
awakes ambition's drive
to discover and transform
budding moral muscles from
translucent petal weakness
to hummingbird strength,
repeating their gold in my breast
A contest entry
- SHOW YOUR CHARACTER CONTEST. Enter now!!! by ten thousand cicadas.
800 points, ended August 5, 2007, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I love the comparison you have made of the unbridled and the restrained. The first seems like freedom, but leads to destruction. The second feels like bondage (at first), but leads to absolute liberty, self-expression, and truth. It is wonderful that you make the point in that last stanza about aspiring to follow in the footsteps of the trailblazers--those who have lived morally upstanding and truly strong,unchained lives.
Wonderful write. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and for entering the contest.
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Yes, the transition works better now and is clearer. I love the final line.
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You speak real truth in this poem, my friend. The metaphor is sustained well, and the first verse explodes with expression of how tragic untrained lives are. The second is a great contrast, with the final line, so true.
The final stanza works less well for me. I think I understand what you are trying to say, you're looking back at what you learned. The metaphor changes, and you waver from idea to the image a bit, not quite jelling.
A strong piece, nonetheless. The first 2 stanzas can stand on their own. The third, equally of import, may be a new poem, a sequel, so to speak.
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Thank you for your comment and clappies! I tried to address the third stanza, I think it runs a little clearer now. Thank you again, for taking the time to look at and give me feedback on one of my poems!
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You have a brilliant way with metaphor in your poetry. Here is another stunning example of your seemless streamlike ability to incorporate natural, unified, and meaninful metaphor. Also, your imagery is always very good. This peice is no exception. Yet one of the things I love most in your poems is your ability to bring strong messages and thoughtful observations of life, truth, and God into your work. Another outstanding piece!
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Thank you for your comment and clappies. Especially the comment. Coming from someone whose work I admire so much, I take it as high praise, indeed!
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