Separating life by the
funerals she screamed
at, and the filth
she spat into overflowing
drains (she's not as big
as you think she is)
Hyperventilating under
trees and concrete,
fingers stumble over
woodwork with apologies
etched into the plastic,
and choking hazards biting
the inside of her cheek.
She should have inhaled
four times, not three
(but you stood on her
chest until she stopped
annoying you with the
sound of her pulse and
the look in her eyes).
Author notes
I'd scream until my face was blue, but he stopped listening a long time ago, so what's the point?
In a list
A contest entry
- [Come Undone] by whiterabbit..
450 points, ended August 27, 2007, 32 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♥ I need some fine wine. And you? You need to be nicer! ♥ by forbidden-colour.
300 points, ended August 21, 2007, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Nothing Boring by cali951.
500 points, ended December 3, 2007, 104 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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oi!
I love this title everytime I see it - congrats on the gold, babes
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Im alil confused by this poem mainly because of the title now i get this poem but screaming doesnt get a person to listen to you when people start to scream and yell at me I walk away I'm not about to deal with noones shit so dont scream talk and you might get your point across good poem
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I like how rsheafer said it. Chilly. Eerie. But I don't think anything else would have fit this poem. Amazing imagery.
~M~
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Eeeek
Wow. That was chilly. The parenthetical ending really drove home a sensation of being smothered. Niiiicely done. -
"fingers stumble over
woodwork with apologies
etched into the plastic,
and choking hazards biting
the inside of her cheek."
Amazing, babes.. You always temd to amaze me. WHat I liked most was the title.. lol, it´ll force any contest holder to read it right away¨
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this piece wasn't ver yappealing to me, the title could have definiately been better there was no real exact flow and I couldn't really feel the emotion in it...to me this piece felt fake.
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Hmm...
Thank you for your honesty
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WHY.
Isn't there a comment from me before?!
Why have I not read this before now?
This is amazing!
I loved the
"(but you stood on her
chest until she stopped
annoying you with the
sound of her pulse and
the look in her eyes)."
Chilling.
wonderful babes.
Finalist. (Y)
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wowies bby, I love your writing. This is so fxcking powerful, I just love it. I don't know what else to say except this is wonderful.
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wow.wowowowow.woweees.
=]]
beautiful poem as always, sugar.
loved it. =]] -
OhWoW.
*Walks back to the spot she was blown away from*
This is -amazing-
The last stanza was like POW. A punch in the face. I fucking love it.
&& the lines :
fingers stumble over
woodwork with apologies
The word stumble, love it.
Another amazing piece :]
Awesome stuff.
iChewGlitter - x
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Thanks so much hun.
Hehe stumble makes me happy
And it sounds like Mumble, which is the penguin in Happy Feet
... I'm not wierd
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this is brilliant babyface
Txt me yeah?
You sound sad
ILY
but who coulda known
x
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BAD... BAD... VERY BAD. Shame on him. LOL. This is great. As usual. Great job babe.
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aww.i love this. its absolutely bueatiful
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'separating'
But this is awesome. The line breaks and imagery are breathtaking, girl.
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Ah I knew there was a spelling error in there SOMEWHERE Thanks hun.
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