A divine lily wilting;
rosy Eden, a past world
crisp raindrops fall thickly
attempting to heal her wounds
a wide-eyed beauty,
an honest purity; tainted
sinful poison eyes
stare snakelike, at his naked victim
false apple promises
bleeding on damp conviction;
defeated tears, falling fate;
naive dreams, insignificant
a divine lily wilting;
rosy Eden, lost
Author notes
2007RC087
optional read:
This poem is about abuse.
A couple monthes ago, I was subject to emotional abuse. I was betrayed by my teacher/coach. The innocence of those years have been ruined and no amount of tears will heal my wound. My trust has been dampened. Looking back, I cannot believe my naivety. The experience has changed the way I look at the world.
A contest entry
- The Raven Contest: Uncovering Genius in the Written Word by Raven Contest.
14500 points, ended October 1, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - SheLookedInsideAndScreamed by Exodus.
600 points, ended August 19, 2007, 21 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Une saison en enfer by Aesthete.
1500 points, ended August 24, 2007, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This tasted of a metaphor. I grow quickly tired of blunt poems, especially religious ones. But this was thankfully not one of those! My favorite lines were definitely the ending, though many others were quite memorable.
a divine lily wilting;
rosy Eden, lost
beautiful
This was poignantly moving and therein valuable. As it was dripping with sincerely personal experience and feeling, I really connected with this.
Thank you for entering. This was the last poem I had to read and will be a finalist. Certainly a nice way to end.
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Beautiful work. You can sense the lost trust in every word but it doesn't overshadow the words themselves, just add to it (if that makes any sense
). Thank you
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When contest administration chose the text that outlined this contest they were very careful to include the suggestion that author's notes be added to each entry so that the judges may have a clear understanding of the poet's intention. I believe works of this nature were what they had in mind. Sadly, some author's feel that author's notes rob a piece of the aesthetics that work to make it speak differently to different people. I understand the argument, I just think that the benefit of the former outweighs the potential for loss in the later.
There seem to be several themes operating at once in this entry. Each of them are put forth by the author with a potency of verse that is as consuming as it is obtuse. In short, I find that I like even what I don't like about this poem. The lines that seem to stand alone, an effect brought forth only minimally by the formatting, each try to tell a tale of a fall from grace: unexpected, undeserved and unforgiven. But even understanding that, we are still missing out on the big picture. It can hardly be said that we cannot grasp the backdrop of this effort, but still, we are without understanding in regards to how this piece effects the author (to wit, especially why it was affected by him or her). In that regard, this piece seems to stand completely alone: without origin or creator. How interesting to find a description of the dawn of man so completely lacking of his presence.
Thnak you for your entry.
~Das -
Eden describes a paradise with out sin or pain. Where Adam and Eve lived due to the past world.These are very good image lines.
sinful poison eyes
stare snakelike, at his naked victim
One can see and feel what going on in this moment.False apples promises.Some how this person got deceived and lead from her self. The wound goes deep. She feel really hard. In her human state.There a point in time all humans go though these lines.
defeated tears, falling fate;
naive dreams, insignificant
The ending has no judgment it states what happen. That eden got lost. That eden can be anything that we desired. It can be about love and grief. The metaphors are strong and easy to understand.It can be apply to a story in the bible or to life. Very well done. Simply,elegant has a very meaningful impact. Wish you the very best in the contest.
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Liked how you related the first and last verse to include the same things - liked to brevity of the lines, the flow, the images created through your words.
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364/400 (91% A)
The allusion with Eden adds so much more meaning to this poem. Good strategy right there.
The metaphor was developed and the cohesion here was great.
One of my favorites of yours that I've read.
You passed.
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thank you!
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This was just a bunch of lovely word placed seemlessly together to unveil a marvelous story, good luck my friend, it was a pleasure to view.
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This poem certainly gave me a real sense of sadness and I could clearly see the lily wilting before my eyes. I like the setting of this scene, in Eden as it’s a place we all envisage as a perfect and beautiful garden. The image of a wilting lily in this paradise to portray extreme sadness is a notable choice, with the qualities of the lily being destroyed. In the lines “crisp raindrops fall thickly / attempting to heal her wounds” I compared the healing rain on the lily to the release of tears which could possibly help heal troubled emotions. The snake also follows the theme through from The Garden of Eden and I think this is where the pain in this poem originates from, someone making and breaking promises, thus the apple, and with all conviction being dampened, the perfection of Eden is lost.
This feels very much like a ‘lost love’ poem, with all the pain and sorrow that entails, with the naked victim being a girl who has bared her heart and soul to someone she loves. Of course other readers may interpret this poem in a different way, I feel the way this poem is written it could also be about abuse or the rape of an innocent (Eve) but I personally prefer to view it in a light vein. Although this poem is fairly short I think the theme carries the weight of emotion very well and along side the imagery, the piece creates a picture that readers will grasp easily.
Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.
Northern Raven
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Wow... this is beautifully tragic! Your words are well chosen, and they pierce my heart consistantly! Wonderful writing, my friend!
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