I. Preheated romance
Lust, love and lies
mixed into batter,
stirred by desires,
poured into a time-tray,
cooked in an oven,
but left at
one thousand degrees
in our house...
II. Inferno
The cake combusted;
I watched the remnants
be kidnapped
by karma’s wind
while faint, orange embers
peeked out
from the darkness
of oblivion’s ashes.
III. Blame
Light never shined
enough, so reasons
for this catastrophe
never appeared-
I feared
that karma…
didn’t take you away…
but rather the wind’s
of fate.
IV. Envy
An airplane flew fine,
until slamming
into destiny’s storm-
turbulence caused controls
to fail
as through the windowpane,
I watched my best friend,
once like a brother
caress you
in betrayal’s clouds;
lightning struck the cabin,
the broken engine-cages
of my soul shattered-
I swear, there
in that moment…
everything around me
imploded and then
exploded;
jetliner crashed
into the ocean,
sinking past the abyss
of volatile voids.
V. Stranded
A whole year elapsed
until he finally
was through with you-
so tell me…
how does it taste
when a similar cake
that you baked
before comes barging
through your door?
Don’t speak...
VI. When The Timer Rung
Strangely…
what fell apart
came back together
from forgiveness;
the jet un-exploded,
flew backwards
to the airport-house
that unburned
and turned back to normal,
but still...
we realize…
the past cannot be erased
from time’s sidewalk
after drawing consequence
with chalk-mistakes,
because there’s still...
jet fueled icing
on our cake…
Author notes
For Poetic Challenge 5: Round 5 [Top 8] ~ http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2337076
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As for the rhyme; it was intentional. It was meant to help the flow accelerate, and also give emphasis.
Hopefully it worked for you.
I had a hard time with this challenge. I didn't relate to 'envy/prudence' at all.. And Melanie wanted really personal/deep ones too.
There's no way I could have done this challenge, had I wrote about how I felt as of now in my life. I don't envy anyone, so.. yeah.. I was stuck. lol
So I wrote about something that happened two years ago/one year ago.
I went out on a limb on this one... I hope this worked. =)
Another note:
"Don't speak-
I already know what
you’re going to say,
same thing happened to me
just yesterday…it seems…"
~everything below "don't speak" was omitted...a part of me feels it is redundant, but at the same time I feel it shows my understanding of Natalie [aka the girl in this poem who I am writing this to] because I've been in a similar situation- it's like I am telling her 'yes, I understand' or something. Should I put it back in the poem, or leave it out?
Constructive criticism is welcome
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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The metaphors and descriptions within this piece, they bring out the vivid imagery and detail that is sought for most in poetry. You are fifteem. yet your writing is that of the top three of AP talent (so far to my reading). Seriously, colleges will rave about your writing. If you win awards and such, don't fail to put that on your application or something. Keep up the great work! Hopefully you won't make such mistakes as to create such explosions that cannot be altered.
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Tyler,
Now... you already know what I am going to say... we can SOMEHOW relate to anything
That is the beauty of poetry. I love that you used your natural creativity to push you through that... I always admire that about you. I do feel that you have pushed a little further with your wording, but by far this is not a bad piece. Very few poets can make me enjoy their rhyme. Often they make it "cheesy", but you... never. THis is a brillant piece.
95
Mel
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Thank you so much Melanie.. I am so glad the rhyme worked for you.. I was really worried about that.
And you're right... I could relate to this... just not at this time in my life. Thank God for the pain and suffering in the past, it worked to my advantage in a poetry contest.
Who woulda thought? 
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Start here..>> I watched the remnants
be kidnapped
by karma’s wind...........flow is interrupted by the word..*be*.....either
leave it out, or change it to *being*
Just my own opinion ~
....next..>>
*rung*
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/rung
....try to watch out for that word Tyler ~
Ok....now for your review ~
Holy Bear Crap Cubster!!
When I got towards the ending....my mind swept
through those last few stanzas as if it was really a tape being re-wound ~
I accelerated and was breathing *in* just to get through it!
Frikkin incredible metaphorical masterpiece!
The mets. are great throughout, yet the power
of your write came at the last moment ~
You are an incredible Writer Tyler, and I take everything you
pen seriously...and I learn from you as well ~
You have taught me how to spill Fresh Ink ~
Thanks !
I am going to hit you on *affect* this time ~
As I said...metaphores are great throughout your whole Write,
but unless they are going to make me *ponder*, then I personally feel
you could have Upped the anty and played on your own mets a little more ~
The *ending*.....crazy dude!
LOVED it!
Best of luck to you Cubby ~
Bear ~
98.8
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Wow. Thanks.
Rung makes sense... "to sound loudly; be loud" [past participle]
"Jet fueled icing on our cake" you really got that metaphor???
[that particular metaphor] If you did.. and if that wasn't enough to get you pondering I'm impressed.
-scratches head-
I'll have to be more enigmatic next time.
Thanks for the suggestions.
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This is very good, you tied the two main
images very very well! The only part I'd change
would to cut these lines:
I already know what
you’re going to say,
same thing happened to me
just yesterday…it seems…
In my opinon the words "Don't speak"
will be more effective, because us the readers
already know that you've been through the
situation, therefor those other lines just
make the poem longer and don't give anything.
Other than that I loved it! I loved each segment,
nothing over-ruled the other!
Hope you do well!
peace to all ~flight
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Thanks, and I think you are right. As much as I like the straightforwardness of those lines... they are redundant. Thanks for the critique.
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WOW!
Nothing critical here... only total approval and clappies! This is great!!! You did capture prudence I believe, only it's very subtle in form... you didn't rant and instead handled this in such a mature manner (which is the only way there was a 2nd chance). This write is so deep and personal and really clearly invites us into a picture of your life! I thought the writing was up there --- anyone in this contest is going to have to step it up to compete with this !! Wonderful job!!! Betsy
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Wow!! Just wow. This is really really good. the prudence shown is much more subtle and can be associated with patience and courtesy too because if you'd given in to acommon behavior of being less than courteous to her while she was with your friend, there would have been little likelihood of resurrecting a relationship. Just out of curiousity, did your friendship with the guy who was with her also come back? Curious because it is something that I find fascinating...we hold lower standards of expectations of our lovers than we do our friends. This is true for almost everyone...a good way to demonstrate the "unconditional" aspect of true deep abiding love, that is what we feel for romantic and familial connections, where as friendship love has a basis in mutual respect and regard, absent of which, the "love" in that manifestation is far less immune to mortality. A much deeper and more thought provoking piece than it appears on the surface my friend! Well done!!!
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Thanks
My friendship with Chris ended for about 2 years, until in high school I finally let it go, we became good friends.. however.. after a while I just realized he's nothing but a phoney poser acting all 'intelligent' and all 'polite' to the teachers... which can get annoying. Really, he's a man-whore. He cheated on Natalie with his dance partner. Go figure.
As for Natalie and I.. yes we got back together again.
But we broke up about 5 months ago. It was bound to happen. I deserve better anyway. She's young and stupid. She'll grow up eventually though.
Again.. thanks for the comment, I appreciate it very much.
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I think you did an excellent job with this, and this could definately be number one this week. It seems to be very personal. I like the metaphors that you used, liking your experience to a jet and a cake, very well done.
I agree with Laura, it is time for us to step up a bit more....
Much luck to you.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe**
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Thanks!
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L73 (ish) "flew backwards back"
there is no purpose for "back", take it out
This is an excellent piece, such seperate thoughts and descriptions pulled together with such fine lacing to create a metaphoric masterpiece. I love the title and the ending is truly perfect. Hmmm...time to step up my game me thinks
or get left out in the cold...I'm stepping
Thanks for sharing and good luck in this round Love ya Bug 
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Thanks! lol I took it out. You know... I really don't know why I put that there.
Best of luck to you too!
Much love from the beehive
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Wow you are so talented! This is truly an amazing write. I was riveted all the way through. Yes it is extremely mature writing and I love it. I also thought the last part about going backwards and using 'un' in front of those words was really effective!
Great work indeed!
Gaylene
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Thanks Gaylene!
I'm glad you liked the 'un-explode' part.. I was very indecisive about using that.. But I see it works good.. So I shall leave it.
Thanks again.
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huh...this captured me to the core. strong in all meanings, perfect written memories. when I saw it has 128 lines I was thinking - who will read it? now I see that it flows perfect and it is written very mature. here I can see very serious poet.
~Sonja~
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Thank you, lol, for reading and commenting. I appreciate it very much.
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