There were times when we sang songs
Full of sadness that haunted the stars
And made them twitter in the night sky,
And claps from audiences of silver clouds
Glided their golden wings over our heads
Like dozens of song birds in spring time.
Our hearts were dynamos that powered the stars
Which hummed along the tunes of our pulses
And kept them bright & burning with our blood.
But where are those songs now, my friend?
Those sad songs that we sang so happily.
Those sad songs that we sang so merrily.
Without you the stars are dim and faded
Like remembered phrases of those forgotten songs
Found in the same spot where they were discarded.
The stars haunt me with the souls of those songs
As you become one of them in their namelessness
That gaze at me with grimful glances.
So let this be my last salute to you, my friend,
You lying in your death bed, not yet dead,
Waiting for death. The struggle for life: over!
28 July, 2007
- A How to Give Constructive Criticism Group group list • next in list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
It's been a while since I've visited your poetry, friend. I thought that perhaps I'd make up for that with an in-depth comment of the variety that we used to share. Stanza by stanza, let's go!
1st Stanza:
The first line was a beautiful and humble opening. I rather enjoyed it's simplicity in contrast to the second line which would have become far too overbearing had you opted for a grand opening.
That second line was delightfully dramatic and grand- reminded me of Gothic architecture in its scale. I'm a little jealous of that line.
I suspect that you'd guess that I’d draw issue with the word 'twitter in the third.' Twitter to me implies little birds twittering away. A sweet cheerful spring sound. Doesn't seem to work entirely well considering the sadness of the second line.
2nd Stanza:
I struggled a little to pin down what you were going after here. Was it lightning bolts? I gathered that from the claps and the gold. But then again, we go back to those twittering birds. Perhaps an injection of simplicity would do well here. If there were some way you could combine your imagery with a more solid explanation?
3rd Stanza:
Hearts as dynamos? Well now that really is unique. I wonder how you come up with these!! You've even managed to include the humming sound that they produce and the bright burning of the light they're typically associated with. A wonderful wonderful extension of a theme.
4th Stanza:
Magic. The rhetorical question as though addressing the reader directly (engaging them as the other person in your dialogue), The repetition and twists in the second and third lines. All fab. Again we have happy songs instead of those haunting sad ones detailed in the first stanza. I'm starting to think that perhaps it's the first stanza that's a little off and happiness should have been seen throughout until this point.
5th Stanza:
This is such a traditional construction to poetry- the painting of things as they were and then the explanation of loss in the same terms as things are now. The 'found in the same spot' made me think of static- as though not much had changed since those days in terms of relationship.
6th Stanza:
I actually felt this stanza to be a little redundant.
It seemed almost too melodramatic for my tastes. It's very much Hamlet during his 'woe-is-me' phase where it served only to portray the character as less endearing due to the focus on self. Your friend is dying and yet the stanza makes me feel as though as a writer you wish to focus on you and how miserable that makes you rather than paint a picture overall of this significance of stars and songs dying. Heh. A bit of a ramble. I think that my comments in relation to this stanza are largely personal taste and many would disagree.
Final stanza:
First line sounds beautifully noble again... the 'my friend' term is endearing. It's interesting how you refer to a 'struggle for life' and makes for a thoughtful ending to the poem. A struggle for something as fundamental as life itself holds so much gravity and here you are with your final words calling it over.
Overall, I think that this just needs some tweaking. I felt as though perhaps you forced this a little in places- like you wanted to say something and it didn't quite click as to how. That said, there were moments of magnificence here.
~Faded
-
-
~
hey, thanks for this unexpected, fabulous comment... actually, i haven't taken a look at this poem since i posted it in AP... i didn't have anytime for it or any kind of poetry either... i'm just starting to get back to where i left off... and reading the comment along with the poem really opened up my eyes towards improvements... as for this poem, it was written mainly as a catharsis, and i have ignored all the horribleness of the actual events that inspired me to write it... that may not be the best think to do, but it achieved its purpose...
~manoguru
-
-
Perhaps put the poem in villanelle. Maybe organized repetition would tighten the imagery of the poem. Most of the images are abstract, lacking the concrete details that you told us in your comment below. (about what happened to your friend). The rhyming line of the villanelle could reveal the abstract meaning of the text, whereas, the other lines could tell the story. I think you have some really great lines here.
-
Outstanding
I loved the imagery you used in this poem creating powerful metaphors. This is such a sad, haunting poem yet you manage to capture something of the beauty of life. This is a deep poem with such a melencholy tone that says so much. Very impressive. This poem is both moving and articulate with a very visual appeal. There are many lines I liked in this but I especially liked:
The stars haunt me with the souls of those songs
Maybe glimmer or shiver instead of twitter.
-
sad
perhaps you could have sung those songs for your friend ?
-
-
actually this poem arose as a response to an accident where a friend of mine, who happens to be very good with music, was left half-paralyzed and struggling for life in the hospital.
thanks for the comment.
-
-
excellent
It is very readable poem and does summon mental images, and pictures, whilst reading which are painted by the words. I don't like the word twitter because I think that it seems an ugly word where as everything else in the poem flows like a stream.That is , however, just my personal feeling about the word.
-
-
i have serious doubts about this poem. to say the least, i posted it very hastily, and this is straight from my first draft. i don't think the poem is very expressive, and i am thinking of adding a few more tersecs. i don't think that the first two stzs have come out well. but i am glad you enjoyed it.
you --> "I don't like the word twitter because I think that it seems an ugly word..."
i didn't know that words could actually be ugly, 
just like rest of us. i think we must put up a beauty paegant for them
but on the serious side, i am open to your suggestions. can you suggest a replacement for that word then? -
-
replacement words
shiver, twinkle, shimmer, vibrate,mournful
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
