I left a note
on the dresser
in the middle of all the other things,
that cluttered up my life,
peanut butter and jelly,
change, keys I didn't need,
the little boxes
I kept for useless things,
and dreams,
a rock. an old sock
I used to polish things.
a photograph,
some broken pencils in a cup.
It said:
I don't want you to go.
I signed my name,
just in case she'd forgotten,
who I was.
When I got home
she was sleeping,
her golden hair
sprayed on the pillow behind her
Like a field
of wild flowers.
Author notes
Written September 3rd, 2003
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 55 of 55
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people think it is beautiful. this poem. odd isn't it? how you can make her beautiful?
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BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow its amazing....its really intense.
Amazing!
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A rock. And an old sock.
No offense, but this poem is...
BRILLIANT!
The whole aura of it is just so quizzical. I feel like picking up my cat and dancing with her. Lol.
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what lovely sentiments . . liked "I don't want you to go" and "Like a field of wild flowers" . . well done !!
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i loved the imagery in this piece. all of the little everyday things that one never notices. but then it switches to her golden hair and how you ask her not to leave. i thinki the title is brilliant! i wouldnt change a thing.
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You made it sound nonchalant through most of it like none of it mattered but....her.Liked the wording you chose and how you wrote them.Other things may not matter much but her you really do love.If I were to rvise this I would put in yourself getting into bed and cradling her till days early dawn.I like your choice of title.I think it's just right.I like your comparison of her golden hair like wildfires...so romantic.Any way glad that I got the chance to read this.
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This was just beautiful.
It was sort of like reading a waterfall, the way one line flowed into the next.
I especially liked the middle stanza--how you signed your name to the note, in case she'd forgotten who you were.
It adds to the sense of romantic vulnerability building from the first stanza, and which, in turn, is so wonderfully resolved by the last.
It made me cry a little in the "that's so sweet", romantic sense, but yet it was written with a modern sensibility.
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LOL. I'm laughing
cause I hate this poem.
I'm hoping poems will start to arrive again, after this election thing is through.
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Beautiful write. The meaning flows from the page and into the readers soul. Very captivating. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work.
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'Tis a fine write, indeed. Marvelous imagery, you write quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us.
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The flow was beautiful and floating
Treasure of a poem!
way to write!
Thankyou for sharing this with us....
i loved the elements of this poem!
Well written and true poetry at it's best!
ears/Seattle
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It's... Neat, in my opinion.
The words flow well off of ones tongue when reading it, which is nice.
I liked it... Sort of. In a... normal... type of... way. Indeed. -
Thank you for your beautiful entry, good luck, Josie
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I hate this poem. Ridiculous, I know. I am looking for Notes from the Underground. I told you Mr. Kerouac now has me in his grasp with Patti Smith helping him, feels sort of like a Natural Born Killers thing, the two of them after me.
Anyway, I'm going to read the Joan Anderson Letter or at least try to find it. You know I've not read On the Road but he's telling me it doesn't matter cause I know the story in my soul that I best read what he himself, Mr. Kerouac called:
"the greatest piece of writing I ever saw, better’n anyone in America, or at least enough to make Melville, Twain, Dreiser, Wolfe, I dunno who, spin in their graves”
that is if I can find it.
Anyway. Despite your aversion, you did these kind of things better than most anyone here. Says Love, not Lust by the way. yea yea yea, I know. Still.
Off to find the Patch Poem...
From,
Just a Girl,
Lisa
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yes
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simple, but incredibly beautiful.
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This was so beautiful and well written. It has a rhythmic flow. I loved it. A romantic way to let someone know how you feel. Well done.
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awe, so pretty, and nice details
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Very good
Yes I like to write notes to they are very special whispers of love
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This is good and very sweet. It's a simple way of saying that you cared and that you didn't want this person to go. Very nice...
Lee-Ann -
Aww, how lovely! Beautifully written...thanks so jmuch for sharing this, I truly enjoyed reading it!
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Very sweet. The dresser reminds me of the dresser that my roomate and I share at our school- especially the peanut butter. Very cluttered. I hope you do well in the contest.
peace
~*maymay*~
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ooh how sweet/ very endearing / I hope she is there now, asleep with flowers in her hair/ Well done, thanks for the good read/ Good luck in the contest/
Creatress -
Good
I enjoyed reading this it reminded me of ordinary things I have and I don't think of what is and is not clutter. LOL I like "and dreams,
a rock. an old sock
I used to polish things.
a photograph,
some broken pencils in a cup." The old saying "someone junk is some one's treasures" in this case someone poem. Best to you in the contest
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Awh this a lovely poem.
Such a sweet little one.
Really cute!
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wow. I could just imagine your words perfectly. Great descriptions.
"When I got home
she was sleeping,
her golden hair
sprayed on the pillow behind her
Like a field
of wild flowers."
Very nicely penned here.
Great!
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"sprayed on the pillow behind her
Like a field
of wild flowers."
Those lines were just gorgeous!
Love the descriptions!
Thank you for entering.x -
she stayed. huh?
of all your love poems, this one always got me. that whole "in case she forgot who i was" thrown in there a fine example of how you always balance the hallmark with reality.
and of course the golden hair sprayed on the pillow like wildflowers something only a Pote might say - sorta like someone saying they were served sausage and beans in Florence by the prettiest girl he ever saw, ever.
I like your old poems. They are all part of Lute and shouldn't be removed. Nopey.
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Very nice, delicate...
Strong imagery, powerful emotion...
Followed by a perfect ending.
*sighs*
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The picture of the dresser is incredibly vivid. My only issue would be with the word "things." It could be seen two ways. "Things" are just things, not overly important, certainly not deserving of notice. "Things" are more of the things in the painting of the dresser, things that are no less significant. I dunno.
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Very good
I really liked this poem and thought it was very nice. The few lines that I did not feel comfortible were the favorite lines that someone thought was the best. I felt as if I was thrown out of the hermenic circle of belief when he said I signed my name incase she had forgotten . This does not sound very nice about the woman who sleeps with forgetable men . I don't think this was the intended effect. I think the voice in the poem loved this woman and wanted her to stay. -
i believe that becky said it best... exquisit. thoes things that cluter up our lives... i wonder how many timse i let that clutter get in the way of my sight... of what was truly important to me. i do live in clutter it feels like home to me... there is just something about the images here, of the things forgotten, or unused...
'It said:
I don't want you to go.
I signed my name,
just in case she'd forgotten,
who I was.'
a few simple words, but oh so powerful a statement. we all desired to be remembered. and that she was there in the end, sleep waiting... she remembers.
arden
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Lute~
Hey! This was good... it was nicely written and it did have a good flow... but I have to be honest I don't get the concept of it... I mean I understand that it has something to do with a note. My personal opinion is it needs more detail. Keep writing and thank you for sharing.
~!~Manda~!~ -
very good, keep up the good work.
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"I don't want you to go.
I signed my name,
just in case she'd forgotten,
who I was. " major turning point in the poem :-)
Some times i forget who i am... sometimes people turn into strangers before our eyes
Another brilliant work,
~ Wendy
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Lovely
This was a beauty~ So tender and sweet~ The note and the love felt in the words~ Sigh~ Great job my dear~ Look forward to more~ Big hugs and much love~ Desire -
poetry as a list...it's my very favorite thing to do..."I signed my name,
just in case she'd forgotten,
who I was"
that is one of the best and most poignant lines you could use... i'm wondering if you could add a little to the end, it sort of ends abruptly and i feel like i want to know more. -
very good
what I found interesting about this is that in the unrest that needed the writing of note, she went though the clutter to find it.
Your descriptions are fantastic:
peanut butter and jelly,
change, keys I didn't need,
the little boxes
I kept for useless things,
and dreams,
a rock. an old sock
I used to polish things.
a photograph,
some broken pencils in a cup
thanks,
John
Edited on Sep 05, 6:01 p.m. because 'wrong word'. -
Lovely, evoking much in few words. I read the last lines and had to blink.
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simple and introspective
we keep things that aren't terribly useful and that we don't really need and we often let important things slip away - a very lovely feel to this - sad and lonely but kinda hopeful as well
:] -
What no please? damn i'd have gone just 'cos you never said please.. anyway i'd still leave if i found jam and peanut butter sandwiches dying on the dresser
A fine poem, says it all in so few words..
Barb -
So much said other then the words we see...and I can see more then one story behind this...
That you lived in constant fear because
You thought she would leave, because of you...
She threatened to leave...because of "us"...
Both very different senarios but the pain and relief you feel are the same. -
this is a very good poem keep up the good work
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No place else I'd rather be. Exquisite.
~ becky
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Very nicely done! I enjoyed this very much!
Just a suggestion:
It said:
I don't want you to go.
I signed my name
just in case she'd forgotten
who I was.
When I got home
she was sleeping,
her golden hair
sprayed on the pillow behind her
like a field
of wild flowers.
:)Maureen
Edited on Sep 03, 1:21 p.m. because 'I decided to make a suggestion.'. -
Thanks for this different and unique read of your
Loved the style and flow
And comming home to see her sleeping
What a great ending
Come see me too won't you
Blessings
Susan~~~ -
I liked this one VERY much. Sweet...Images perfect. ~~~Val
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Love the phrase "and dreams", which serves both as a thing left, and as a purpose for the boxes. Lines like that make you stop and think, adding your own shade to the piece.
Ah, "keys I didn't need": how many of us can identify with that? Of course, this could certainly be seen as a weakness; the inability to let go.
I too liked the way this ended, though I was also struck by the potential that the narrator was simply insecure, and that this pending departure was built of nothing but fear, feelings of inadequacy, the irrational certainty of abandonment. In this way, I think, the poem becomes richer. -
A lovely, impresionable poem, Lute.
I enjoyed this very much ...the ease of reading, the emerging from hopeful longing to joyful relief. This is the first of your work I've read and you can be sure I'll be reading a lot more.
Thank you so much for reading my poem, 'somethings never change' and your nice comment. That particular poem is not my best.. actualy I don't think I've acheived 'my best' yet.. but I have written better than that one. (I hope)
Dee -
Fabulous job. Was an enjoyable read. Very nice and easy to read.
A teaser I think. At least the simple note surprised me, in a good way.
Very nice write.
Sam
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hehe, 'of wild flowers' will do the job fine
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Enjoyable poem, Lute. Transfers from documentation to longing and finally to happy conclusion. I would add something after 'Like a field', like 'of corn' or 'of cotton' or something less corny than those suggestions. After all, a field is just generic basically, and the final simile would be benefitted from slight expansion.
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Loved this! A great ending on this poem Lute, totally unexpected and very descriptive. Great writing. Irene
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ah yes...this is where i live.
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