when the one you want is so close
but you just cant have
the one who desires your touch
just doesn't stand a chance
when everything you fear
always seems to happen to you
and everyone you know
cant compare to what you've been through
when your family that is supposed to be there
gives you the cold shoulder
the woman who bore you
makes you have develop the experience of the older
that one guy you just hunger for
makes you feel horrible about yourself
You never take the road that always seems bad
but always turns out to be the worst mistake
you finally find the one friend who finally understands you
but she fell into high school's curse of change
you finally think you've got a stable environment
then your provider fails on you
you try to be a normal teenager
but growing up way too fast is your only option
you need a steady resource and vent
instead you rely on a companionship with guys
when everyday you should be having fun
you run and hide so no one can see the glisten of your tears
when you are scared to show any emotion to family and friends
Then you can run to me with your problems
Thinking they're worse than mine
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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brilliant
this poem is very sad from the readers point of veiw..but that is what makes this write so excellient the fact that you are right in saying no one can compare to what you have been through, an honest true deep poem
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well its a little long but is filled with so much emotion and intensity. but it is very generalized so many people can relate to it i love this poem it is amazing great job!
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Very emotional topic here. I like the sound of outpouring your emotions here, it's very sporadic and raw.
That being said, there are few ways you can make this poem even better.
I did have some difficulty getting through several parts of it, like this line...
"the woman who bore you
makes you have develope the experience of the older"
I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here, and I know that, re-worded you could much better articulate what it is you're trying to convey.
The other line that confused me was...
"You never take the road that always seems bad, but always turns out to be the worst mistake." The double negative here seems to make it sound like the person in this poem is making good choices, not bad ones. If they ARE making good choices that still have negative consequences, perhaps something like "You always take the good roads, but they still take you to bad places." would be a more effective way of conveying the message. Just an idea. Play around with it.
And, as it has been said before, I would watch your contractions. Add your apostrophes in the appropriate places, as it does make for an easier read.
Strong piece! Good work. -
Lots to think about in these lines - would help if you used Spell Check as there are many typos in this poem - remember to use the apostrophe in any contractions - can't, won't, they're, doesn't etc. Think if these are corrected would make it easier to read and understand, and make this a much better poem. Let me know when you have edited it and I will recomment. Every one has their problems, and there is always someone with worse ones than we have. Teens especially seem to have many tough times before they reach adulthood.
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