fourteen.

beginning:

two-fourteen, a date on my calender; an event in my heart. was this the beggining or the ending? i am finally starting to loose track of things like dates and names and places and other quantitative things.

melody:

do you not remember the car rides and black nights when i used to sing to you, or when i read you pablo neruda in english and you fell asleep in my lap? do you not rememeber sex, or what it mean to me? can you not recall the pattern of my breathe on your face, the symbiotic way my words and pulse worked?

sweetness:

i held promises for you that i kept inside of your pony-tail, i forget the way fingertips felt on my face and my shoulders, i forget the smoothness of your skin and i've decided that it's good i don't remember. there were also hands held under tables to keep your life a secret, we were definatly teenagers. i bought you sour patches and you shared the last package with me, and you bought me that necklace. i should throw it out, i know i still have too much to let go of.

distance:

far away. i don't mean to be cliche, but even when i was less than five feet away from you i still felt too far away. is it funny that you didn't and still don't actually know who i am?

longing:

days run much too long when i don't have a lover. no one to call when my vovo says she's ready to die, no one to call when i feel like i'm dying; i only get this way after seven o`clock. no one to kiss me goodbye, or say that they'll miss me. is it that much to ask for; someone to play with my hair when i'm upset or make me believe that my feverish headaches will cease? someone who tolerates my fits of self-conscious rage, reads good books or drinks tea?

empty:

emp·ty 
–adjective: containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents; vacant;  without cargo or load; destitute of people or human activity; destitute of some quality or qualities; devoid; without force, effect, or significance; hollow; meaningless: empty compliments; empty pleasures. not employed in useful activity or work; idle; hungry: without knowledge or sense; frivolous; foolish: completely spent of emotion: to make empty; deprive of contents; discharge the contents of: to empty a bucket. to discharge.

exaggeration:

six months is too long already. you have become an extra extension of my life, and i'd like to cut you off, or is that just a contradiction? drama, this is what you are and i know that you don't like it.

missing:

it isn't about not having seen you in a long time. just the fact that i'm such a lonley mess who happens to own a brain that doesn't agree with the concept of rest. also, review numbers one, two and four.

simple:

what's simple? ice cream, music in the morning, fish in the sea, babies are simple. do you really think that what i, or what anyone feels after this is simple? i'm sorry, but you wouldn't know what lack of sleep, an empty notebook and months worth of depression could possibly feel like. you and me were never simple.

rust:

i know the reason you didn't call me back, and this time maybe i'm alright with that, getting there at least. i'll just have to buy a new car, fix it up and drive it on the freeways with my friends. i am tired of unresolved dilema - long haired, dark skinned lesbian latino girls who cheat; i am sick of you, i am sick of the way you set me on the backburner; i am sick of writing your nine lettered name.

reccurring:

in dreams, in my poetry that always sounds the same, in the way that i speak. i would say that i constantly have something to say about you, but i do, and that's just a compliment you wouldn't like. somedays your scent floats into my room and i can't get it out, somedays i don't have the strength to reach out and into the shadow that formerly loved me, slept in my bed and kissed my neck; took off my clothes. i would like to say that we are everlasting, but you are not and we cannot.

solution:

there is no solution. drink it down, toughen up, suck it in, hide it in your closet and let it haunt you your entire life. there are no last words, there is no closure, and there isn't a sensible way to change or put things.

memory:

refracted light, circles that do not end. long walks in the city, everything that i love so much. feeling the warmth of your back, being angry, dressing up for no good reason, waiting outside in the lobby for you to pick me up. new years and christmas, all wrapped into one. saying sorry, being in love with you, just plain being in love. songs i've never heard before, letting my heart jump out of my chest. sensual poetry. all of the things that remind me of you; movie theaters, downtown, auruora. these are the thing that i am going to burn.

end:

i just hope that you are doing alright, wherever you are.