I remember that night all to well
Blissfully sealing a goodnight-goodbye kiss
Once again I declared my love
Whispering that you would roam through my thoughts
While I was a thousand miles away
I held you just a moment too long
Cherishing your weight and presence
Between my desperate arms
Oh, my foolish naviete
How blind was I to not notice
That you subtlely pushed away
How weak you were to my shameless adoration
Your disloyalty did not occur
In the time of my absence,no,
It transpired only hours before
On that fated, cursed night
When you dared to enter my home
And claimed that you held love for me
Temptation did not take long to find you
As it slithered in her serpentine form
While she hissed enticing offers
With her vile forked tongue
And dripped her poison
Onto your succumbing body
I became physically sick
At the thought of sharing your lips
When she defiled them with her toxic kisses
To think that your disgusting hands
Crawled up both my virgin body
And her scale-ridden skin
The bitter virus begins to consume me
Feeling as if I am infested with a
Million, invisible, awful insects
Her contaminating substance has transferred into me
Proving to be lethal to my love for you
Infecting my system with fury and revulsion
I wish to rake, sink claws into
The still walls, hazily picturing
The sinful shapes of
The savage and his viper-like harlot
Your remorseful tears cannot
Bleach, cleanse these stains
Your most saccharine words cannot
Serve as an antidote or remedy
Nothing you can give will cure me
Author notes
option 7-unfaithfullness
A contest entry
- Options-mostly a sad despairing contest-Options by lover and hater.
300 points, ended September 28, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My Lips Bleed Acidity by TheDemonEve.
600 points, ended December 14, 2007, 31 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - strung out && b r o k e n more than an old cassette by PaintedParisPassion.
600 points, ended December 24, 2007, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A love that was never real but the pain after was by MysteriousMoonlight.
875 points, ended December 29, 2007, 58 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options !! [PW ALLOWED!] by innocence jaded.xx.
625 points, ended July 13, 2008, 47 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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WOW.
This is incredible. I lovedlovedloved this. It was so vivid and powerful and full of so much shame & angst. Amazing piece of poetry, portraying unfaithfulness so wonderfully.
"Your disloyalty did not occur
In the time of my absence,no,
It transpired only hours before
On that fated, cursed night
When you dared to enter my home
And claimed that you held love for me"
Beautiful lines. The power just pours from them. Excellent poem. Thank you so much for entering & best of luck to you ! ♥
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Will you pleasepleaseplease put the option number for my contest in your AN? Thankss♥
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its fixed
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THis is a great piece! I love the emotion and flow of the whole piece! and the choice of words is great!Good luck in the contest!
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Congrats on the gold trophy. There was much emotion written in this. It was very powerful. I personally could never imagine flipping out over being cheated on but we all have out limit breaks. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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I liked this one. Not your run of the mill poetry and I believe we have all come to greet this hideous creature at one time or another. The reader can relate if not by the mishappenings of this circumstance themselves they have shared it atleast from friendships point of view where they have confided to a friend if they haven't experienced it themselves.
All the best in the contest.
Blessings~
~Joy
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I absolutely love the image of the snake as the 'other woman' (I think that is what you were saying) Or was it more figurative, to be read on an even deeper level? Either way, an amazing write. Keep it up!
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"In the time of my absence,no," - there should be a space between the comma and "no".
I think this would read better if every single line didn'st start with a capital letter. Enjambments should be lowercased, I feel.
Other than those things: a nice poem that you have written here.
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WOW!!!! Harsh and painful. This is exactly what I was looking for!!!!
Best of luck and thanks for entering! -
Absolutley amaxing!
It kept me entertained the whole time !! Really it did!
Im usually not one for long poems expecially long unryming but you completely pulled it off! congrats thanks for entering my contest -
Amazing.
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Your remorseful tears cannot
Bleach, cleanse these stains
Your most saccharine words cannot
Serve as an antidote or remedy
Nothing you can give will cure me
for hate has no cure -
Well written,
However I don't quite see how it fitted into the category of metaphor.
Thanks for entering anyway.
x -
I like this, was extremely well penned, the emotions are word play mixed well with the flow.
Thanks for entering.
Much luck.
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I'm sorry if this is based on experiences you've gone through... now you know why the opposite sex are a complete and utter waste of space, or at least most of them, in my eyes? Very beautifully written. I hope you feel alright about yourself, even though betrayal takes a while to get over. Nicely written.
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'I became physically sick
At the thought of sharing your lips
When she defiled them with her toxic kisses
To think that your disgusting hands
Crawled up both my virgin body
And her scale-ridden skin'
I love the contrasts in this stanza [=
Good luck in my contest [=
♥
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There are too many adjectives in this for my taste. An adjective's job is to tell, but a poet's job is to show. In this line for example:
Blissfully sealing a goodnight-goodbye kiss
Can you think of a less cliche way to describe a kiss?
You do much more telling than you do showing. Here, for example:
I became physically sick
Instead of telling your reader that you became physically sick, imagery would be more effective. Let me show you:
My stomach siezed
and I bent over to vomit the thought
William Greenway said, "Images can communicate the unsayable, so show don’t tell." -
o0o0o0o
'To think that your disgusting hands
Crawled up both my virgin body
And her scale-ridden skin' what a piece so filled with emotion of betrayal and bitterness ... the reader cant fail to feel your words
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wow.
beautiful.
the perfect emotional poem.
loved it. =]]
To think that your disgusting hands
Crawled up both my virgin body
And her scale-ridden skin
^^ Those lines are what got to me.
Loved them. Beautiful Beautiful, darling.
Finalist. =]] -
"How blind was I to not notice
That you subtlely pushed away"
I loved that part [:
x thanks for entering x -
well sweei i loved da poem nice work i see here thanks bunches 4 entering, love much
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Different
Different
But good
very good.
I loved how you intwined the snake bit.
Ive never seen a write as this before, and thats what got my attention.
You've done an excellent job.
And thank you SOOOO much for following the rules
I hope you didnt really have to face a heartbreak such as this, its no fun at all.
But the experience makes you stronger,
and you've done well to write about it.
Thanks for sharing this.
Good luck
Keep Writing
and thanks for entering my contest
:]
♥
PaintedParisPassion -
Ouch, I think I got a burn from the anger in this poem. I love the feeling you poured into it. And the use of the serpent for the other girl was ideal. Great write
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