It starts
some yearning like a
sweater from a second hand store
used but still cute
and for a dollar...
fuck it.
Why not?
I can feel you
creeping under my second hand sweater
with the fray on the edge
and the tag poking out
Fuck it.
Why not?
Can you give me a reason to hold on to?
It was cute
watching you get jealouse
but the cuteness faded
with the second set
and I got tired
of holding on to your sweater.
It starts
some yearning
like a threesome gone awry
and feelings get lost in the middle
of who fucks who and who
and I can't deal with the scheduling.
So when you're done playing rock star
let me know.
I've still got your sweater
and it still smells like you.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I think you could be less in using the word "sweater", I think people get what you're referring to, but, I believe it's used too much throughout the piece.
Like here:
"and I got tired
of holding on to your sweater."
The last line could be "of holding on" or "of holding on to it". I don't think you really need to mention it there. I think it's quite evident on what you're saying, especially for what you have above it.
Also, in this line:
"watching you get jealouse" - "jealouse" would be "jealous".
There are a few filler words I think you could get rid of, such as some of the "and"'s you use throughout.
It's emotional in the anger sense with a slight hint of desperation.
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Oh, fuck it! I can't see the point of "fuck it" more power? Not really. Spurious, unecessary and like that. The expletives just made me lose the plot. Thumbs down I'm afraid.
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Interesting piece. Not sure I support waiting around until he comes to his senses (if ever): "So when you're done playing rock star let me know." I say, find a new sweater!
. Rewarded 4
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Good poem
I like it. -
forgot to applaud.
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Damn, I feel like I was there for this one.
I love the way you liken yearning to a second hand sweater. There should be a comma after the word “used.”
I like the use of the word “creeping.” It makes me think of insects that sometimes get between us and our sweaters. Makes me want to swat something
Can you give me a reason to hold on to?
It was cute
watching you get jealouse (jealous)
but the cuteness faded
with the second set
and I got tired
of holding on to your sweater.
Okay, now it’s his sweater? I guess I am a little confused. Are there two sweaters? Or did the poem just change perspectives?
The threesome simile is fantastic. At first I didn’t like the word “scheduling,” but if this is about work, then it totally fits.
Except for the fact that I am still unsure of how the sweater has switched owners, I really like the last line. It sort of whimpers out. It is set up as if you are going to deliver an ultimatum, but then it just leaves you there, holding the sweater, waitng for the music to end, which is something I can completely relate to. -
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Thanks for the critique. I don't remember writing this last night. I actually had a great night- went to watch The Guy's band- had quite a few drinks. Came home in a great mood, wrote this apparently, and then went to bed. heh.
I think it's got some potential and you're right about the sweater switching owners, it doesn't make any sense.
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You write better stuff drunk than most of the people on here can write sober.
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Yes, it definitely has potential. Can't wait to see it when you revise it.
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