Your heart's not what I wish to see, therefor you need not hide it
The worst I'd do is run you through then rip it out and bite it.
The taste so sweet, so dark, so pure
But through the pain you shall endure
So I ask you now, relax your mind
And through this horror you shall find
The cure to life and death and pain
Is through the taste of blood in veins
And from this lesson you shall learn
The truth of life and death's to burn.
To burn in death and life in hell
To cage your mind within a cell.
A cell so dark and dank and cold
Until your soul is finally sold.
Sold to light for empty gifts
Or sold to dark within the rift.
A rift so dark with empty light
Until you soul 'comes filled with blight.
Back to you it shall return
But by then your body's burned.
Burned by flames of light and hate
Even by words of you one true mate
And so this lesson you have learned of truth of death and life
But know the life you know and feel will always end in strife
A contest entry
- PREWRITES!!!!!! by Luminescence.
450 points, ended March 5, 2008, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - OPTIONS!!!!!!!!! AND PREWRITES!!!!!!! by Ale E.
600 points, ended March 22, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I really liked this poem actually. It's hard to keep a good flow with a rhyme scheme and not have it sound forced at all. Very good job here indeed. My only critique is that maybe your ending couplet could have been stronger. But it's very good as is.
Thank you for entering my contest. I wish you the best of luck.
ale xox
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I usually hate reading rhymed poetry because it usually seems so forced... but this was great it really was.. great imagery...
thank you so much for entering your piece into my contest....
good luck,
~lumin -
I love it
It's great honey....<3Tabby -
Burned by flames of light and hate - good line.
Nicely written piece fellow poet
Thanks so much for participating in my contest. I wish you all the best. I encourage you to keep on writing my friend.
>>>VIRGOAN -
i loved reading this poem it flowed and had a nice use of words...good luck
~Wolf~ -
Line 1: thereforE/period at the end
Line 3: comma at the end
Line 4: period at the end
Line 5: I would suggest a semicolon
Line 8: period at the end
Line 11: comma at the end
Line 19: comma at the end
Line 21: comma at the end
Line 22: i think you meant "your" instead of "you"/period at the end
Line 23: comma at the end
Line 24: period at the end
The flow is excellent. I like how you used the previous idea to explain the next. It helps to clarify the meaning as well as "force" the reader to move on. I love the whole idea behind the piece as well. It is an excellent write.
Again, great write bubby! Luv ya bunches!!!
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wow!!
amazing poem -
Creepy
Wow.....Hmmm I don't know what to say about this poem really. I Love it! But it's kinda freaky lol. But it is filled with lots of truth. Keep Up The Great Writes. ~Shirree A.k.A ~Poetic Tears11
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bravo. a marvellous masterpiece. wonderful . I loved
these lines; Your heart's not what I wish to see, therefor you need not hide it
The worst I'd do is run you through then rip it out and bite it. very gore-like. loved it.
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