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Sage and Storm Clouds

The rings of smoke wisp from mother's lips
and gray the once grand landscape.
Emerald dulled to dusty shades
by acid rain and shifted dry earth,
sifted between delicately cracked fingers.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Author notes

Image: Sage-and-Storm-Clouds-Near-Gallup- by Phil Schermeister

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • Midnight-x-Rose gold member
    November 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Another nice write here. Great flow, loved the picture too. The opening line was my favourite, love 'the rings of smoke wisp'. Nicely presented.


  • leander Moderators member
    October 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You have some great imagery within your poem and that's exactly what I was looking for in this contest.
    My eye fell on the first line of the person who comment before me, and I see him talking about a cinquain? isn't that a five-line poem with 2-4-6-8-2 syllable count

    Anyway, it doesn't matter. I really enjoyed this well done!
    Thank you for entering this contest
    Leander

  • Clockwork
    September 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The first line of your cinquain should be, "The rings of smoke wisp from mother's lips."

    It needs an article I believe in front, but this is poetry, and there is always room to move around with the language.

    I suppose I have to either assume this is a very spiritual experience, and the writer feels attuned to 'mother' earth, and feels as if they are with 'her.'

    Also, the landscape is still pretty grand, but just on a different note. I think you could tell us on the second line about the breaks in the different shades of greens, and yellows, and the clay dirt, and the spiny tumbleweeds that drift in a fall wind. It's really quite a pretty picture you've painted, and the last line is quite good as well.

    The oxymoron is quite nice, because I think it ties this all together. It's kind of beautiful, but at the same time, dark. I find you've captured that image perfectly, and I really can't say there is anything wrong with this poem besides what I mentioned above.

    This is a great piece

  • hoodoolover silver member
    July 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Gorgeous, really captivating, congrats on the gold!


  • PerfectImperfection
    July 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful use of imagery throughout! Thank you so much for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!


  • Matt Holck
    July 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    the hair line cracks of the fingers make textile the dust

  • Riftkin gold member
    July 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    that was so perfectly painted that the words themself tell the story.


  • coffeeangel316
    July 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    awesome job. I love the take you had on prompt.


  • Cerulean gold member
    July 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Just awesome. Best of luck.


  • delightfulmess silver member
    July 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow very unique well done loved the take good luck


  • countrybabe gold member
    July 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Nicely Written


  • PerfectImperfection
    July 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Picture is up on contest page! Good Luck!
1 - 12 of 12