The rings of smoke wisp from mother's lips
and gray the once grand landscape.
Emerald dulled to dusty shades
by acid rain and shifted dry earth,
sifted between delicately cracked fingers.
Author notes
Image: Sage-and-Storm-Clouds-Near-Gallup- by Phil Schermeister
In a list
A contest entry
- Paying it Forward! QUICKIE!!!! 30/15/30 by PerfectImperfection.
525 points, ended July 25, 2007, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - whatever by leander.
615 points, ended October 23, 2007, 35 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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What more can I say than that I love reading your works? I'm running out of praising words.
And I can't critique because there IS nothing to critique.
hmm.
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Another nice write here. Great flow, loved the picture too. The opening line was my favourite, love 'the rings of smoke wisp'. Nicely presented.
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You have some great imagery within your poem
and that's exactly what I was looking for in this contest.
My eye fell on the first line of the person who comment before me, and I see him talking about a cinquain? isn't that a five-line poem with 2-4-6-8-2 syllable count
Anyway, it doesn't matter. I really enjoyed this well done!
Thank you for entering this contest
Leander -
The first line of your cinquain should be, "The rings of smoke wisp from mother's lips."
It needs an article I believe in front, but this is poetry, and there is always room to move around with the language.
I suppose I have to either assume this is a very spiritual experience, and the writer feels attuned to 'mother' earth, and feels as if they are with 'her.'
Also, the landscape is still pretty grand, but just on a different note. I think you could tell us on the second line about the breaks in the different shades of greens, and yellows, and the clay dirt, and the spiny tumbleweeds that drift in a fall wind. It's really quite a pretty picture you've painted, and the last line is quite good as well.
The oxymoron is quite nice, because I think it ties this all together. It's kind of beautiful, but at the same time, dark. I find you've captured that image perfectly, and I really can't say there is anything wrong with this poem besides what I mentioned above.
This is a great piece -
Gorgeous, really captivating, congrats on the gold!
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Wonderful use of imagery throughout! Thank you so much for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!
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the hair line cracks of the fingers make textile the dust
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that was so perfectly painted that the words themself tell the story.
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awesome job. I love the take you had on prompt.
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Just awesome. Best of luck.
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Wow very unique well done loved the take good luck
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Nicely Written
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Picture is up on contest page! Good Luck!
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