Forget me when you turn away,
before the guilt that threatens you
reminds you what you need to say
and whom you need to say it to.
I wait for it with bated breath.
'Tis your belief you're justified
to spew your venom viciously.
You care not of what chasms wide
you've torn through hearts so carelessly.
Of love and trust this could mean death.
You've traveled far upon my back,
and of my life's blood have you leeched,
yet still you think you can attack
conclusions painful that I've reached.
The canyon does increase in breadth.
Author notes
ababc dedec fgfgc rhyme scheme in iambic tetrameter
A contest entry
- Experimenting with Rhyme and Form by Zephyr Aryn.
630 points, ended August 2, 2007, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Bandits reading list
9 pnts reward
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Great stuff
I like the word usage and Cadence of this piece. Nicely done. I love the form. You are great as a poet. God bless you, Mark
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Grand writing perfect flow and a grandstand of imagery a most enjoyable read... congrads on the Gold so well deserved...
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You deserved the gold. The flow is good, and I love the ababc etc that you used. The iambic tetrameter is good as well. The style of your poem fits the message. I think sometimes the hardest way to write a good poem isn't necessarily in the words that you have chosen but maybe in the style you have chosen to write the words. It was good.
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WOW Totally deserving of GOLD! This is an awesome job! totally love it! Nice job! ~
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Wow great meter, rhyme, metaphor and depth of meaning and emotion. This poem has it all and is really well done my friend!
Congrats on the well deserved trophy.
Dennis
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I love this form and you have executed it perfectly. An amazing write from start to finish. Brav
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Absolutely perfect in every way. This piece also had a message within the lines and you portrayed it magnificently. Very well done! x
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Easy to see why this won the gold! An outstanding piece! Thanks for sharing it! Best wishes!
Frogz~
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KICK ASS Poem
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I can't write meter worth a darn, and my rhyming leaves a lot to be desired, but I know when it's good when I read it, and this is good. Congrats on the gold!
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Very well done and congrats on your golden shiny. Forms can be really hard to do accurately. Congrats to you.
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I'm not a great fan of rhyme nor iambic tetrameter, but I find this a powerful, passionate write, and it's tempo or rhytm quality can not be overlooked.
'you've torn through hearts so carelessly.
Of love and trust this could mean death'
these lines on the end of stanza 3 don't sound right to me. I am by no means an expert in grammar, i just find it strange - both lines end with a period and thus do not connect to each other...then again I may have misunderstood your meaning.
all in all - well done!
rachel
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Bravo
I love this. The rhyme, flow and imagery are just perfect. Extremely well done, if you don't mind, I would like to have a go myself at this form. Val
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good rhythm and rhyme in these lines; liked the flow. Easy to read and understand what you are saying here.
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A very well written piece. The feeling in this is supurb and the message is just a well done. I like the form you used, both for the rhyme and rhythm and think you did a very good job at using the form to your advantage.
Thank you so much for the entry, and good luck!
- DarkSun -
Very good. I've never been able to rhyme decently, so this is really good to me. I really like it. Message was profound and deep. Your words painted vivid images. Great job!
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Very nice rhyme and meter, and the message is very profound indeed. This is a very deep poem, one to think about because it has many levels to it. Who is, who will become, the blind man-very well written poem.
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Very deep, and very intriguing. This is good. You even took it to the next level by adding meter to it.
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