letter to a boy ^n

I'd tell you the date but it doesn't matter, the sun rises in japan and over here I'm somewhere far ahead of you.

I talked to my sister so much about it when it happened and she told me about how Daniel did love her once; and using that, I tried to tell myself that there was a time when the things you said to me were real and you really did care.

But i think now that I'm only lying to myself, because i certainly haven't fooled you. For god's sake, I don't think I have your fucking shirt. I don't know why you're even asking. Let's face reality here: the only reason we're friends is because I begged you, not because you actually care.

I'm in tibet and it's beautiful, and everything is just so amazing that there are hours when I forget about you and life is just so fucking beautiful. And then I start thinking about sweden and happiness and it all just drags straight back to you. I don't mean to, it just happens.

Tell me, honestly, what the fuck is love? I like the idea of being in love but the more I think, the less I'm sure that I ever loved you and you ever loved me. And I'm so terrified of going back there, because at least here, I have miles and miles of everything to stop myself, but back there, there's just two miles, 55 miles per hour. And I already know that I won't be okay.

On the train ride up here, I had a dream about you; which in itself is astonishing because I never dream about you, I always dream about Sean. It was a weird dream. I was upstairs in my room, getting dressed and you were downstairs in the dining room playing one of those zombie killing/war games on a laptop computer. I came downstairs, like always, and I came up next to you, and hugged you to me. And you pulled away from me. And right then, I remembered that you'd broken up with me because before then, I was so sure that you were waiting to pick me up to go out. It was so startling, I woke up.

I haven't thought about you in days. We saw all these mountains and lakes and temples and it was just lovely to finally be free. And then today, out of the blue, I was thinking about you and me and last summer at the pool. Do you remember that? I was so tired that night, and I was waiting to show you my new swim suit. And you tasted like red wine, sweet next to all the vodka I was strung on. You said you liked the swim suit, and then you asked if you could take off the top. If you liked it so damn much, why didn't you like it on me?

There was you, and there was all of them, those boys. I wanted you to be different, and so I made you be different but you never really were. I had it right that night, you used me. And then you told me about Amanda, about how I could never let her know, how she needed to be fucking protected and kept happy, so that you could be happy too. I didn't think it then, but now I wonder, why wasn't my happiness ever put to consideration? Why the fuck is it always somebody else?

Even this, this is about YOUR happiness. I'm going to be content with the fact that I'm nothing to you because of your happiness. Because I read the emails I sent tessa last summer, because I read the emails you sent me, and then i remembered how back then, all I'd wanted was for you to be happy, not for you to be happy WITH me.

But everybody has their line, and mine is this: I want you to stay the fuck away from my friends. Jenny was supposed to be MY friend, but you have to take everything. And that's not fair. You know, I asked her if she knew you dumped me and she said yes. But what i really wanted to know was what kind of a friend she is. What kind of a friend of mine would talk to you after this? None.

I find myself going back and forth on this. Sometimes I think it's not something I should be meddling in at all, other times I hate you so much. And then I read the emails you send me, and i feel nothing but bitterness, because I brought this on myself. I told you that i wanted to be friends and i thought that by doing that, you would somehow care. But that's not true, is it? You don't respond to my emails. You don't act like a friend at all. I feel like I'm just pestering you now with my stupid little emotions.

And it's funny, because i'm up here thinking about how I want to show some picture I took to you, how you would react if I gave you whatever whatever as a gift. I think about killing myself but once it's over, it's over. Do you even know what it's like to love something so much and to know that your love is nothing but a burden? That kind of feeling poisons you from the inside out, rotting away your dreams, your living. I feel like this hollow shell.

But then, there's the good times, the ones when I think I'm beautiful, that it doesn't matter that you don't love me, that one day I'll make myself into someone that you would love.

I asked you once what would happen if I did something really horrible. You told me that you loved me more than I could understand, and that nothing would ever break that. I trusted you.

I don't know how to hurt you.

It's strange, but I'm actually prepared. When you broke up with me the first time, I put everything in that box. And maybe you never noticed, but I never really woke up from then. It was like I died, and when you took me back, I was just waiting for the end to come again. I never wore the necklace you gave me again. Maybe it's because I knew. You gave that necklace to the girl you love, and that's not me.

I told you that I wanted to hurt myself for hurting you. I'm not really that selfless. The truth is that I wanted to kill myself, because there wasn't then, and isn't now, any life without you. That day online, when you told me that you couldn't even imagine how I could've thought you loved me right up until the end, I took away those first scars. I never want any reminder of you on me. I don't care if I end up cutting everything away, I can't stand myself because everything has been stained by you. I hate my body, I hate myself, I hate everything about me because all of it just screams YOU YOU YOU.

When I eat, I throw up remembering your face. Remembering your arms around me, your voice telling me all those dolled up lies.

I can't sleep at night because I have these dreams, and I wake up in the morning dazed and confused.

And I always always always wonder how easy was it for you? She just kept telling me that it wasn't easy for you either, but you didn't want me, you got what you wanted. So how the fuck could you have suffered at all?

College is a new beginning. This is the past. You decided a long time ago that we would either be good friends, or nothing. I've tried to be a good friend, I have. But it doesn't work if you don't care, and you made it clear that you don't. I could keep trying, I did with Sean, but you saw how that ended. And I just don't have it in me to do it again.

You don't read my letters anyways, so this is just passing the time.

You saw a better me, and then you took that away. I'm not pathetic; I don't want you back, I don't think you'll ever care. In my own way, I moved on, so don't worry. And truth be told, I'll get by, I always have.

I miss sweden. and I miss you.

it's midnight:07, july 26th.

-DM, dreams