They coined you the Big Apple:
busy with agendas, vendettas
& a new definition of "speed dating."
Taxi cab karma cruised
on one-way fares, sight-seeing
on tourist budgets;
we posed for photo ops,
staged smiles & a bit tongue.
(Some pictures have nothing to say.)
While packing away baggage
into carry-on faces;
I folded fantasies in perfect
fashion, souvenirs from
vacation destinations,
as tax-free stores
couldn't remove the interest
from emotional purchases.
With waving hands,
we photographed each other's
expressions.
Ticket & ID replaced your hand -
flights boarded away
from skyscraped moments;
take off.
Preferred seats discontinued:
I played musical chairs
with the Coach class.
Turbulence -
tumbling from one
emotion to the next
until my body language read,
“I’m going to be (home)sick.”
My mind sat in upright position
as I thumbed through thoughts
of NYC:
belt signs lit for landing.
Grounded, my righty intentions
trembled across a postcard
confessing,
"I loved you."
Author notes
Roadblock round 1: Prompt Parasites
Our task was to write a poem incoorporating (but not using) 3 phrases in a phrase bank.
We used:
tickets to my mind
This phrase inspired us to write an airplane passage within the poem. Immediately after thinking about the airplane, we came up with the idea of "packing baggage" (in a literal and emotional aspect). The tickets, in the poem, replaced the other's hand, which relates to the "moving on" aspect of the flight - however reluctant each is.
timed freedom
The entire vacation metaphor relates to "timed freedom". Another way we incoorporated this prompt was with the inclusion of speed dating in NYC & musical chairs in the plane.
finger emotions
"Finger emotions" inspired us to write the waving hands part, as well as thumbing through thoughts of NYC, and the ending. (it's been through a lot of editing! lol)
A contest entry
- May the best poem win. by cover fire hero.
600 points, ended April 28, 2008, 55 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 58 of 58
-
Amazing me some more and you always seem to do that so it should not surprise me.
Still, every poem you write is like opening a gift 
I am taking this one to Poetry Planet. 
Thank you for sharing your talent, Chase.
-
Finalist
This is great writing, good use of metaphor and imagery to describe what you were feeling. -
-
Thank you, very much. :]
-
-
Really impressive writing! 
-
Wow.
That was awesome...
-
O_O
wow, this is...awesome.
-
Amazing, truly amazing. I don't know what else I can really say, I enjoyed this very much. Thank you for entering, and good luck to you.
Chelsea
-
This is an interesting take on an old theme. Good luck in the contest.
-
I love this. The part about thumbing through thoughts of New York City gave me this image of some one scouring a file cabinet for a misplaced thought. Very cool, my friend, very cool.
"Some pictures have nothing to say."
Ain't that the truth. And some people as well, lol.
But you don't seem to be one of those people. -
there is nothing more I can say than that I absolutely adored every word.
-
perfect
i must say alot of imagination for this poem its funny i had i had to read it twice to really get it
-
Brilliant....and I do not use that word much in comments...I can see why this is so popular
-
wow...this is so good! I felt
and could see it all, which is
always a plus
I found this
to be delightfully quirky, and
written very very well.
Love, Lane -
This made me laugh for some reason in the irony of it all. I love how you incorporated the phrases so skillfuly into the lines. You really did a great job. I love the part "Turbulence -
tumbling from one
emotion to the next
until my body language read,
“I’m going to be (home)sick.” How you used (home) and sick to mean two different things. I hope you win!!!!!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
-
Mm. Contemporary...spunky.
-
you are very talented i have to say.
-
WHOA
-
Wow
That was awesome. -
that was awesome.
-
i like how throughout the whole poem you're trying not to think of what you left behind, and finally at the end you crack and confess, "i loved you". that's so powerful; it really strikes a chord. great write:]
-
This is a pretty amazing poem. Wonderful!!!
♥
whisper
-
This sounds like I can hear it being narrated. Speaks with a clear voice and says a lot. Great metaphors throughout, very smooth flow and vivid images. Great job and congrats on the 98 mph. You could lose your licence for that, driving through NYC. lol
-
You are traveling 98m/hr
I thought this was a friggin awesome poem. Technically wise, there was not one thing wrong with it and Content wise... there was not one thing wrong with it.
You had so many phrases that struck home with me, especially "Some pictures have nothing to say." And all the metaphors, symbols and takes on the prompt were really well done. -
This is a nice little poem that you have here. I like how you took a single metaphor and ran it through all the way to the end. It's not so easy to do because some times you run out of analogies but I thought you did pretty darn good with it. I liked the way you expressed yourself.
-
I find the "one worded" lines very clever,
Somewhat like strong statements to emphasize your emotions.
Well done.
-esha
-
btw, how in the hell do you get 47 freakin' comments man?!?!
-
Your opening brings us in, it makes me want to know who was coined the "Big Apple" and why.
In your "taxi-cab" stanza, I didn't like word 'certainty' in line three, it just seemed to flow slightly smoother without it.
The following stanza, I would actually put "hid a bit tongue" all on one line - again just preferences thats all.
"carry-on faces" excellent visual and lovely play on words.
I didn't like the parenthesis "(we will never forget)" - I just felt like I already knew that with the wording and stanzas before.
"I played musical chairs
with the Coach class"
Very cool line.
And the word play on "turbulence" works really well here too.
Now, I am not sure if this is taken from reality or fiction or maybe a little bit of both. The overall image I get of this, is that of love BUT its a love that has never been fully admitted. Sure there may have been "love yas" and whatnot, but there hasn't been that conversation about truly "loving".
This is like a journey on realization and vocalization. A meeting, perhaps for the first time, perhaps not - but there is something innocent and tender in all of this. Something new, an adventure and a fear. Honestly this is really well done for a collab, I wouldn't know who wrote what and I love that.
Sorry it took me a bit longer to comment, life, kids and all. LOL
-
-
Well Mel, ily & your comment is the one of them I have actually put trust into & took all of the suggestions straight to the poem.
I guess you're allowed to have a life...
this time. <3
Thanks for being amazing & critiquing.
-
-
In this line why is home in parentaseis(sp?)“I’m going to be (home)sick.” though other then that very good poem.I loved the "taxi cab karma".
-
-
It's a play on words.
The phrase is I'm going to be sick, but the use of parenthesis makes it known that we're giving it more depth in the use of the word "homesick" as well.
-
-
nice line with 'taxi cab karma', but 'sight-seeing certainty' was too vague for me, I'd want a more active verb.
avoid too much punctuation like "speed dating". and nothing to say.) And all the semicolons and colons
"I folded"... first introduction of the I, you should do it earlier if it's going to happen. "They" starting it out made it feel more like it was going to be 3rd person.
(home)sick, cute. thoughts of NYC - I like to avoid acryonyms, they put the reader in a very different brain state as they pause to figure out what it's referring to.
loved vs. love? Hmm.
Nice piece, thanks -
This constant stream of metaphors is worked so well that emotions erupt at every phrase. The title is clever but the piece is amazing. You meld the mundane aspects of tourist travel and the heartbreak of departure seamlessly. I hope to read others like this from you.
-
i dont really know if this if fluffy or not but that was an excellet poem. you really let me see what you were seeing, feeling what you were feeling and just brougt me to a whole other place.
-
wow! great imagery. amazing poem.
-
A VERY GOOD PIECE
i don't care about the double points and i never say anything i don't mean just to get them so here goes...
i really liked your poem it sounds like a trip i once took and now regret very good imagery, it paints the hustle and buslte of nyc thank you for sharing it -
I can't say anything.
I'm just going to bookmark and keep my mouth shut for fear of saying something dumb.
-
As I read this, I felt my soul smile.
busy with agendas, vendettas
& a new definition of "speed dating"
these lines are so simple,
and yet, so poignant.
how wonderful that you can write about
this. something as simple as a plane
journey and yet, it's leading into an
escape is just, ... wow.
Grounded, my righty intentions
trembled across a postcard,
confessing:
"I loved you."
perfect.
there is nothing i would suggest,
no need for improvement.
i'm going to read it again.
-
oh missed something man, and the end is class
-
so original man great job this is why your on my fav list loved the following it had amense flow in my humble opinion, fuck hell yeah what a title its all about about the hook friend you got that and you def got a fish in me, loved this possibly the best thing I have read on here.
great work poet
take off.
Preferred seats discontinued:
I played musical chairs
with the Coach class.
Turbulence -
tumbling from one
emotion to the next
until my body language read:
“I’m going to be (home)sick.”
-
An excellent write. Loved the imagery and flow. Very well done. From the beginning
They coined you the Big Apple:
busy with agendas, vendettas
& a new definition of "speed dating". to the very end 'I loved you.'
-
Very well written,imagery with clarity,good grammar,original phraseology,good usage of alliteration.The piece explores and exposes the city and the character of the guy who sees beyond the framing of picture pretty kodak moments unless they are memorable enough to be held within the memory and not boxed to be brought out on a rainy day and thumbed through,the metaphor and flip reverding within wordplay worked well.Neat.
-
Great Pen,
You two wrote this piece that captivates the reader with great content, for, and flow. Thanks for sharing, and all the best in future writes. Peace, Timothy~
-
Very new-yorker i loooove it. Poetry like the beat of the city. When i lived there the only thing u could see were these yellow cabs The tempo of your poem is catching. Whatever we experience in this ever-changing city is in will of time.
-
=]
the title caught my attention, and how great the poem was made it better.
great work.
=]
-
Wow extroidinary poem, I absolutely loved it. Very interesting, and very well thought out and well written. Great job, keep it up.
-
abstract, indeed... I love the abstractness, though, even if I'm a bit slow on the uptake... I love the metaphors and the flow of this piece
-
...i'm speechless. totally amazing. wow.
-
very good
the title got me
as i use expedia
and
the poem got me
'cause i'm a new yorker
-
(Some pictures have nothing to say.)
I loved this, all the travel metaphors were super. For some reason, i just don't like the phrase tazi-cab karma. *shrug*
-
Really enjoyed ...Sounds like an action-packed visit to the Big Apple! Did you enjoy the super-sonic cab rides? Favorite line ...
"While packing away baggage
into carry-on faces"
Great write. Thanks for sharing this one.
-
Commenting on abstract poetry isn't exactly my forte; reading and writing it definitely aren't included in the package, either, so I apologise if this comment sucks.
I like thinking about the speaker and this person he loved, and I especially liked the last four or so lines.
Great work! -
hm... I do like this, I like the whole plane-NY-travel-metaphor. As far as you call it a metaphor, that is.
It shows that you thought about it, I guess.
Oh well, it's very late, and I can't really think straight, so I don't really think I can pull of an amazing comment. I hope this works as well ;-)
-
wow i really like this one it's good
-
well this poem is stuffed full of adjectives. i like that as adjectives describe things, and you use good ones. the title is clever and ties in with the poem great. you are also concise and use every word well. this gets more impressive the more i read it because there is a lot of stuff, as in literary devices and such in here that make if fun to unpack. the most obvious for me was the alliteration that you dispersed throughout the whole thing. good job.
-
I think you should do "hid bit tongues"
in [ ].
And out to ths side one line down.
But then....damn it...you can't because of the (). ERG.
fine.
But I think it sould be accented.
And yes.
I DO TALK TO MYSELF.
*crosses arms*
mwahahahahahahahahaha.
as tax-free through purchases"
Loved the play on words and the idea.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.
Times a billion.
I'm not a fan of the "We wll never forget"
because...that sounds like...
you're standing on a mountian...and you are like...
"Hey. We will never forget"
But that doesn't make sense with the feel of this poem, to me anyway.
Not that it made any sense to anyone.
HAHA
(my comment not the poem)
the danielle monster liked everything else.
Yes she did.
*nod*
-
good job! it's really good. I love the way you wrote it... (why not fluffy???) lol. keep writing!!!!!!!!!
Crimson -
Played musical chairs
with the Coach class...
I love that line...
I got the image of everyone running around on the air plain beating the crap out of each other while pop goes the weasel was playing in the background and the music stopped and everyone just stopped and sat down with bloody noses, shook the hands of the person they were sitting next to, and left it at that.
After all that nonsense I just said...well...I just love this poem!
^_^ -
Wow. This is just really, really awesome. Loved the feeling.
Favorite lines:
"I folded fantasies in perfect
fashion, souvenirs from
vacation destinations"
Amazing write.
Adding your comment:
1 - 58 of 58
