A letter to the man who raped me. My ex boyfriend.

Dear Travis*,
This has been really difficult for me. First I had nightmares in which I would feel someone undressing me as I slept, or I would feel like someone was there. I would wake up almost shaking. Then I got some really bad insomnia and hypnophobia (fear of sleep). I started hallucinating because of the sleep deprivation that I was putting myself through. This one night before I went to Nicaragua, I invited a few of my friends over (Sandy*, Carla*, and Jack*) Sandy left a bit early and soon after she left, a really bad thunderstorm started. In every flash I saw I was afraid to see you standing there. Afraid that you were going to try to take me again. I was afraid of the lights going out and feeling you next to me... undressing me. Right as Carla and Jack were about to leave, I had my first really bad panic attack. I was almost begging them not to leave me. I told them that I was afraid of seeing you. I was afraid of being taken again. Jack calmed me down really well, and then they left. I was alone again, and in the whole time between the rape and coming home from Nicaragua, I had 5 major breakdowns and around 7 full nights of sleep. I had my really bad times when I contemplated cutting and purging, and maybe even running off a cliff. I was lucky though that I had so many great people who went on the trek with me to Nicaragua, and I even thought of my true friends at home (like Sandy, Carla, and Jack). I found myself going against my natural instincts, and I tried to make friends with guys. I stayed away from most guys (I lost trust for all guys) except for one named Tod*. I found myself so grateful for Tod. He showed me that there are good guys out there. He is a great guy. He is my friend, and he doesn't look at me and see sex. One day in Nicaragua, I got dressed in a skirt to go to church and I had to wear a skirt. I was ok with it until one of the head guys of the trek told me that I looked pretty. I had another panic attack later on that night, and haven't worn a skirt ever since then. When I got home from Nicaragua, I decided to change my life around. I see everything differently now. My view on everything has changed and I seem to be able to life my life the way I want to with my true friends who care and would never hurt me even if they were pissed at me like there was no tomorrow. However, the fact that you raped me. The fact that I have memories of when you were good, and maybe even the thought that there is still some good in you but I can never talk to you again hurts me and haunts me. I have been trying my best to forget about you, but then the rape would haunt me and make me have to ward off new panic attacks and make my urges almost impossible to resist. But still, I resist them. Not for you, but for me. It was always for me. Recently, in one of the worst nights since I have been back from Nicaragua with dealing with the rape, I was afraid to go to sleep when I got a text on my phone. It was from you. You told me that you needed to talk about something, that you had no one else to turn to. You now have a lawyer and he told you never to talk to me again. I was told that to by everyone. I really wanted to help you. I wanted to forgive you, and help you, and then just not be friends with you. Instead I ignored you. One of the most difficult  things I have ever had to do. I never ignore someone in need, it's against my morals. You, however, didn't deserve it. You raped me and then a month later expect me to be there for you like I used to. I can't continue to be there for someone who hurt me in such a way that is as bad as rape. I have never been so hurt by someone I trusted so much. I have also never seen someone change so dramatically in such a short period of time and then be blamed for it all. Do you even know how much that hurt? To be blamed for something so huge? To blame myself for your change and stick by your side and tell myself that if I made you change in the first place that I should be able to change you back too. And when you raped me? I blamed myself for that too. I would love for life to be easy and for me to be able to forgive you and to be there for you and you be there for me (although I would make sure I never needed you) and we would never be friends again and I would never trust you again, but at least I would be able to move on with my life. You hurt me more than you have ever been hurt I  am sure. But I'm not looking for some kind of revenge. Yeah, it would be pretty sweet if you were to get butt raped by a large inmate in prison for this, but I would much rather get revenge by showing you how much this doesn't change my life. By showing you that I could live so much better without you in my life and be happier and healthier and better off than I was with you in it. Perhaps the thought of me being able to go on as if I never met you would make you hurt in some strange way, just to know that you never mattered. Or at least that you don't matter anymore to me. What we had a year ago was real. You changed yourself. I did not change you. You blamed me for it all and made me so much worse off than I was before. You can never change back. I realize that now, and I want to move on now. And one day when you see my names all over the books that you are reading, you will see how little you really meant to me in retrospect.


Take care of yourself, for you are the only one you have to rely on,
Alex


* Name has been changed