The dark hair just kisses her shoulders,
too long ago to fall in love,
to stare, my hand in glove,
and so, not to touch,
this violet,
with consecrated violence, with mine,
with love, not so,
with breath held catching the groan.
brief too brief glimpse of pale thigh,
this alabaster temple on a high mount,
the unmarred fingers speak.
I leak, I ache and mourn
on the eve of a September morn;
another gray Sunday in Hell.
Author notes
Written August 31st, 2003
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 43 of 43
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I like it. It's just a very diffrent poem. Good job
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just wanna remind you that if you have more than one entry in my contest, please put your name in authors comments
(in every poem you enter)
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oh and you didnt tell me what you liked if you would like to keep it in.
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i do like it, but if you have read my rules i gave a horrible example poem, i was looking for dirty pretty with sly and clever puncuation.
i will let you stay in but just know that^^. and if you wish to try again you may certainly do so.
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goood job. thanx for entering good luck in the contest.
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I'd almost count this as a rhyming piece which aren't allowed in this Contest. The only reason why I don't 'cause it's long enough not to be and I only see 2 main usages of rhyming. If it were shorter I would have disqualified it for breaking the 'rhyming" rule but it's just long enough to where it doesn't.
I read this three times, just to make sure the above I was correct on and so I really got into the piece. It's a really good piece that you have written here, I have no critique for it.
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This poem makes me grit my teeth. -
Great Job Here
I so enjoyed this write you have done amazing job here. I so hope to read more from you and thank you for sharing this with my family and I. Keep up the amazing job you do.. -
The realm of disappointed love is handled quite well here. The title as others have mentioned is a great paradox and draws the reader in immediately. There are so many directions one could go with the title that no one is going to be able to say, "I knew that is what it would be about." Good job and a fine piece of script. RC
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well written
i like the title...im haunted by a sunday. sunday january 23 2006. that was my sunday in hell. it wasn tin church though. how ironic that it is Palm Sunday as well. lol! -
A very emotive write I particularly like the use of the word 'alabaster' as it's such a great word *chuckles*
(pusher) -
Hi, a great write, it has deep feel, that sensual feel without crudeness, it was a pleasure to read, a well written and very lovely poem. all the best, hugs Di
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Not exactly sexy enough :/
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First off I really loved the title, but I agree with Jaden That first line just doesn't belong there. I too read it again, and it really does work better, without the first line.
Very different, and imaginative. A really great piece. Well done. Thank you for sharing.
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This is great. Your cheering section has covered everything so I'll just say good job.
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I like the title, and still..
the poem is even better. I think it is very interesting and very meaningful. I like the whole feeling and idea of the poem. Very imaginitive. I loved it. Even though I hate church.
Cheers! -
I must also say it painted a picture in my head, and made my heart ache. I know how it is to see someone you are still in love with, and can't do anything about it. It was very wonderful and it flowed good. Good job and keep up the wonderful writings.
~V~ -
Outstanding
First ... GREAT Title.
This should be under erotica though.. But it is slightly dark,
The only problem for me was the really choppy rhyme.. Too many pauses in my opinon ( like i'm one to talk ). But you're a great writer descriptively.. - Wink wink. - -
well, this certainly is.....different. I wouldnt think of someone doing that inchurch. I thought it was about like seeing a girl that you like or something by the title. But umm all power to you.
~Jessica -
You know what? That first line just doesn't belong there. When I read the poem without it, it reads ten times better and personally, I don't think it adds to what you're trying to get across. I absolutely love the second line. . .it's gorgeous and looks pretty silly next to the first one.
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that was good. church is kinda boring though and i know where your coming from. Good job though!!
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it takes guts, and a long coat to masturbate in church.
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Another Sunday in hell? It makes me think a church crush perhaps?
Truly a gorgeous love poem -- I don't think I'd call it "boiling", but, I'd call it beautiful. -
Oooh. Very Simmery indeed. But think you need further bruising of violet lips for Desi's half and all that thigh and groan, well doesn't leave too much to Lisa's metaphorical imagination.
Appreciate the try though. Keep writing. Good punctuation here .. more flow perhaps, like right after the leak. hehe.
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loved the way you melded frustration and desire and denial and anger and played with the words, the violence and violet (not exactly Wordsworth's if she's showing thigh) and mourn and morn. You leak? why do I not think that is tears?
sensual without being obvious. talented guy.
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Makes me think of seeing an love never quite gotten over at some high-brow social event. Off-the-shoulder gown with hair "kissing her shoulder", and he across the room - breathless. Well, it certainly gave me a nice little picture in my head, didn't it.
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eek to the tenth, this was great! thanks for the link; appreciated. enjoyed the play like violet/violence. you really pulled an atmosphere together in such short form.
deeeeeeeelectable sounds. i'm impressed by this one. -
takes on a bit of dif meaning when you read it a couple times, heh, very nice, love the imagery.
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Good!
Grey days are looming over head
I would rather stay in bed
Instead, I dread what is up ahead
I've fed the thread of the dead, 'tis said...
Don't know where that came from, but it is what I felt after I read your poem. You have forty six views. People do like Lute. The poem is great with lots of juicy metaphors, and some sneaky little visuals.
Stop crying!
One Love,
Renee -
Is this "Confessions of the Demonic Temptress"? LOL...just trippin'... but this is really a wonderful work, tinged with both darkness and erotica. I think you have awakened my dormant muse, lol. I've got to find a way to parallel this work, as it seethes with not only beauty, but horror as well. The only thing now is, how the hell am I going to pull that off? I'll find a way, no doubt...lol... I love this! Absolutely fabulous! Then again, I like all of your poetry...
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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OK. I hope your not holding confessionals, Lute because you're in heated, passion trouble in this stanza:
brief too brief glimpse of pale thigh,
this alabaster temple on a high mount,
the unmarred fingers speak.
LOL.
Good write with lots of tension sustained throughout the poem. I do hope you get some soon! hahaha
Glad you punctuated this. The punctuation made your writing easier to read and much stronger, definite, sure.
Title works by the way. -
alone in a cubicle..a box of plasterboard and one lone bulb...we germinate and incubate thought...we breed despair..and loneliness as we sit ensconced on foul days with ourselves..and into this mire often a bit of beauty creeps in the form of alady once known....the smell of her hair..the smoothness of her thigh..and all that could have been but was left as gray as today...good work here...lute...a melody of sorrow...and melancholy...Artis
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Great Release
The air sucked out left me breathless~ Could feel the imagery and a Sunday in hell was titled appropriately~ Great release and I hope it lifted something off the body~ Hopefully the result was therapeutic~ Big hugs and much love~ Desire -
very good
Very beautiful poem. I could feel the tension in the air through the entire read. Extremely well done.
Favorite lines:
brief too brief glimpse of pale thigh,
this alabaster temple on a high mount
Well done.
John -
Brill
This simmering bit of writing positively crackles with desire...longing, unrequited, or perhaps lost love, but the need is so strong. What an amazing expression, it conjurs up all sorts of visions and feelings. Your word choice is excellent, and once again you've woven mere words into a tapestry of eloquent beauty.
Cheers ~ Tilly -
I liked the tone of you in this too...angry, but sensuously so...bitter but they whole way through, the Act is underlying, bubbling, boiling.
(maybe its just me in my mood
But I don't think so).
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Sundays in hell deserve a sundae. ~~~Val
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Oh, the Smiths, 'Hand in glove I'll state my case I'll find some outlet'
another good piece of writing.
The lonely gray, leaks out like misery.
Jules. -
I have counted the fogs of August... We will be writing of many snows come winter if the wisdom of the fold holds true. I like your images--your voice in this poem...
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what would wounded words
if thoughts cannot reach a soul?
September's yearning -
Loved the way you worded this beautifully penned write.,,great metaphors. Excellent write my friend! I finally have you on my favorites list so I won't miss any of your posts. Irene
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breathing
Awesome job expressing a deep, deep yearning. That fist line just captures it, "The air is sucked out of the room," I too know of that burning.
Keep Feelin' Fascination,
~Tiffany~ -
It feels nasty here too.... sighs. The air is moist and the sky gray... This poem tends to fill the room though... awesome write on this lonely sunday morn.....
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