the darkness overwhelming
the loneliness sinking in,
he was gone, never to come back
but why now when i needed him most?
i thought he was safe, the pain was fake.
i was wrong. and now i am to never see him again.
the cost of living,
is seeing others dying.
while you live withouht realising
people all around you are fading away
dying, never to walk the face of the earth again
and yet.
it has not sunk in.
that my uncle has joined them
that his smile will not be seen again
or his laughter never to ring in my ears.
he had a good life.
he was a good man indeed.
never should have happened to him,
cancer, the silent killer struck again
now my family are in ruins dont know how
but somehow we are going to have to cope withought
his smile
his warming blue eyes
and his ways of keeping
our tattered family together.
Author notes
this poem is dedicated to my brave uncle, Bob who died of lung cancer at the grand old age of 50. RIP xxxxx i love you.
i have corrected all the spelling mistakes-i think.thank you for those who corrected me- the spellcheak never works and its hard to write about my uncle, woh was a good patriotic man. he loved life and England, went to every home game and was the founderies of our family. withought him our family would have fell apart. cc
A contest entry
- A Poetry Contest VIII by -BlackKnight-.
525 points, ended July 31, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Wonderful thoughts you have penned about your uncle here - neat way to remember him. Think the first thing you can to do is use spell check so this poem is easier to read- the mistakes detract from the vividness of the visuals - how you remember him. Loved the emotion in these lines - can so relate to this as we all have someone we remember like this. Once corrections made, this will become an excellent poem - keep writing like this... with no mistakes you'll get three applauds next time.
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This wouldn't be too bad if it weren't for the repeated spelling errors and lack of any imagery. Below is a list of words you need to fix:
"traped" should be "trapped"
"darkeness" should be "darkness"
"overwelming" should be "overwhelming"
"lonelyness" should be "loneliness"
"neaded" should be "needed"
"withought" should be "without"
"realiseing" should be either "realizing" or "realising" (the latter being the British spelling, I believe)
"indead" should be "indeed"
"ruines" should be "ruins"
I'd have liked to know what kind of person your uncle was. Sure, he was a good man, but how so? What was he like? Did he have a booming laugh? Did he have ashen hair? Was he a lively, funny guy or perhaps someone a bit more somber? -
Other than a few spelling errors, this is a good write. A sound toast to your uncle's life, though it seems to me as if you blame him a little for leaving the family to fend for itself...?
An enjoyable read, Good luck! -
Edits
It's good to write about real life, and I hope writing this was cathartic for you. It needs some attention, though. If nothing else, you'll definitely want to rectify these two problems:
1) Your title is misspelled.
2) "Withought" needs to lose its "gh" to become a word.
Not my contest, so I won't try and help you edit this for content, but I would suggest you consider doing so yourself. Maybe develop your imagery a bit more. Good luck in the contest, and I'm sorry about your uncle.
~Morgan -
This is a beautiful tribute to your uncle. Well written, but surely it should be Trapped?
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