You are lying in bed with thoughts filling your head,
as rest takes a long intermission.
To return back to sleep you decide to count sheep
but some warn that is just superstition.
So you roll on your side, flop your pillow cock-eyed
and seek a more calm disposition ~
When from out of the dark sounds a horrible bark
in continuous repetition.
The clock by the door chimes quarter to four;
you rant like a mad politician.
It’s the start of your play that you'll write during the day
and title it, your exposition!
As you write in your mind you're reminded of time
and your thoughts fly to manumission.
Next you flip on your back while you plan the next Act,
forestalling your next premonition.
Soon your eyes start to blink ~ you catch forty quick winks,
awakening to strong inanition.
The clock now chimes eight, the coffee smells great,
yet your thoughts fly to malnutrition.
You partake of the food while rewriting Act II,
for your characters lacked recognition.
By the end of the day, you'll have finished the play,
just in time for the competition.
Now you lie down to rest, while you hope for the best,
take a rain check on erudition.
As your body shuts down and your ears refuse sound,
your brain follows fast in submission ...
***********************************************************
Author notes
"your sleep is my essence" and yet we all have those nights of sleepless wonder (especially as artists)
My parody was based on: http://www.hyperborea.org/writing/nightmare.html
When You're Lying Awake
From Iolanthe
Libretto by William S. Gilbert, Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan
Sung by Lord Chancellor
A contest entry
- The wonders of many sleepless nights. by x-Black-Butterfly-x.
600 points, ended July 23, 2007, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This was a great read and you kept the rhyme and rhythm throughout.
written in 2007 I see how do I find your latest poems please?
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Contest Judgment
Not expecting to win when you begin
This was your intention
The best never does, as ever it was,
Again came to fruition -
I like this, it reminds me of many a restless night!
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Outstanding Excellent Writing
People who hold these contests WHO CAN'T write rhyming poetry are prejudiced against it from jealousy, and outstanding work fails to be recognized and appreciated. I suspect this is what happened here.
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You have achieved an outstanding rhyme scheme! Kudos, roses, applause go here!
(You have all mine! 
)
The delightful meter is slightly inconsistent in spots.
L4, try “that’s” instead of “that is”, so the meter strikes on same count as in L2.
Line 8, the inflection on the word “conTINuous” normally ‘hits’ on the second syllable. To match the ‘b’ line pattern in lines 2, 4, and 6, a word combination that yields “da-Dum-da-da-Dum-da-da-Dum-da” perhaps in the pattern of “in SLAVering, WILD repeTItion”. Line 11, again, to match the ‘a’ line meter, try “the next day” instead of “during the day”, or anything you prefer that will do the Cinderella fit into the slipper of your meter!
Just a comment, Line 14, “manumission” has inflections “MANuMISsion”, which does not fit the dactylic rhythm (Dum-da-da) you have established. Although it is a lovely rhyme with the even ended lines! (ditto for line 20, MALnuTRItion)
Line 18, again, for meter, try “awak’ning”. Likewise, line 19, add “’and’ the coffee smells…”
Line 24, try adding “big” (or other single syllable adjective) just before “competition”?
Line 26, I think you need to alter the words preceding “subMISsion” in such a fashion that the meter is borne out consistently with its inclusion as your end-of-line rhyme. For example, “your BRAIN bows to SLEEP in subMISsion” or “brain colLAPses in TOtal subMISsion”—not great examples, but I hope you get what I’m trying to communicate!
Only other comment, you might possibly consider including brief definitions for less common words in your Author notes: manumission, erudition, inanition (I needed to look them up, which I don’t mind doing, but some folks don’t keep dictionaries handy
)
I enjoyed your piece as a story, and loved your rhyming. I believe it would be even stronger with consistent meter!
(I'd give you 2 1/2 clappies, if I knew how!)
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I read the parody and this is a good follow up on it. Though I think you're missing some beats, it was still enjoyable. Keep writing.
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I enjoyed this very much, partly because of my midnight ruminations, and mostly because of your ingenious rhyming. I particularly like the rhymes on "repetition" all the way through, and internal rhymes in meter are always a delight.
Alas, at times there is no way out but through - how wonderful to finally rest in accomplishment.
Well done parody!
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As a huge Gilbert fan I'm quite impressed, a couple of scansion errors he'd have cringed at I think,
in continuous repetition.
Is short a syllable for instance
in continuous raw repetition.
Maybe?
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we all do have nights of sleepless wonder. i dont think i have much sleep for ages due to sitting up wonderring and end up writing down my thoughts in the form of words. i really enjoyed this poem as it had a wonderful flow to it meaning that the poem was captivating so that the reader didnt loose intrest whilst reading it. i also loved the thoughts put into this. a wonderful wrire well done and best of luck
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Wow. This form is just the cat's meow. Middle rhyme mixed with end monorhyme to perfection. And the message fits the contest criteria to a tee. Excellent work Poet.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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SLEEP? What is that exactly? I wouldn't recognize it anymore as of the last two years at least....an occasional catnap here and there , but that is about the extent of it. At least you are writing plays I have no idea what I am doing besides wishung for sleep [they say that right there is a mistake already]. And if I am fortunate enough to fall asleep something happens to my nervous system.........I wake up and am completely paralized {I can not move a muscle , but I am wide awake. The doctor explained it as a phenomena [not a super-natural one , but rather a natural one] that occurs with some people. Your brain wakes up , but it takes a few minutes for it to communicate with the rest of the body. I guess I short-circuited somehow. But I will take the advice of this to heart and I will write the play of the century tonight. I liked the way it seemed as if you were literally doing it
Best wishes in this contest and much love
xoxoxoxoxoxo
reenie
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