the
curves and
contours (first)
at puberty
strange and awkward
(now gracile) Grown into
the hips (and slips) of woman-
hood. Like a flower, blooming (full)
Intent and content: these bends bare love.
A contest entry
- Naked Poetry by Cat.
800 points, ended July 29, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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the only reason don't change it is because I'm keeping to a specific syllable form and also I like keeping "thes" and "ands" in my poems, even though they "take up space" I don't really mind, it's part of how I write. I did cut back on the parenthesis, there were wwaaaaaayyy too many
And I said gracile because it describes the form more than the action. I'm not graceful at all. -
I stumbled here after reading the post in the forums. I picked yours at random, out of the list of people asking for critiques. I'm a bit rusty at this...
1. I think the piece would have a stronger start if you cut the first word and opened with "curves", in doing so, you could also cut "and" at the end of the 2nd line. (More impact with fewer words).
2. I'm curious as to the choice of "gracile". Why not just say graceful? (Not suggesting you change that, just throwing it out there).
3. I've never been a fan of interjections, they rarely work in a poem. The piece is already compact, the line breaks forcing pause, because of that, the interjections are overkill.
4. The punctuation kills me. I understand poetic license. I also understand the need to over punctuate. (It's one of my biggest flaws). That being said, because of the spacing the piece doesn't really need it. If you feel it needs it, minimalize.
All of that being said, I actually like this.
I like the punch per word overall and I like the image it conjurs in my head of my own awkward adolescence. This is well done and with a bit of editing, should be sent out in the world for publication.
Thanks for the read.
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What i like very much about this piece is the internal rhymie, well chosen wording of the piece- i like hips and slips and gracile- just some lovely sounds-
i am not a fan of the interjections- i think it detracts rather than enhances your piece- i am just not sure they need to be parenthesis'd - believe in your wording enough to let it stand as part of the poem... without the showmanship which breaks the poem awkwardly for the reader..
just an opinion- but i do like this piece and appreciate your entry in the contest
m
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