the trapeze
lies
caked and sodden
in the mud -its tethers
long rotten
torn
and frayed
i have forgotten
the taste of you
i have willed it away
i have covered all
the winding
trails
i have set the tigers
free
and locked
the doors.
A contest entry
- Unbridled Two by zara.
450 points, ended July 21, 2007, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Ok, I've been in a circus or two and have set the tigers free also. I think when I wrote about it/her, I called it a play but it means the same thing I believe...the end of a relationship where deep hurt was involved. You're good...which is rare enough here on AP.
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Very happy to see SOTM, and I don't mind the i's, but the have's were a bit much for such a otherwise tight poem. The last two lines really struck me more as a single line... the break not neccesary and creating a hesitation where a single line would be more emphatic. The trapeze is the heart of this, and I sorta liked the dead-on contrast of the "trapeze/lies" jolting the poem awake. Having read lute's comment and considered, I can see that his suggestion would tighten this though. Particularly starting with 10, it could even be "forgotten the taste" getting rid of pronouns and being verbs... but you've always had a great instinct for such.
Excellent job, Brian
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This is beautiful, all hurty and stuff. The only thing I'm not nuts about is all the "I have's" and I could change my mind about that tomorrow. Sorta like
i have forgotten
the taste of you
willed it away
covered all
the winding
trails
set the tigers
free
Oh well don't mind me. It's a sotm poem so it's all good.
Desiree
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An intriguing poem, indeed. Congratulations on your bronze for this. When will there be another, I wonder.
Write on.
~*~SpydurPoet~*~
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Since it shifts the scene, and this is only my preference, In would suggest the possible alterations.
1. 8-10 to begin the poem, I like torn and frayed at the end
2. put 10 at the beginning, change the you in 9 to it.
If it is to be a series keep it consistant, try to keep me & you out of it--rise above the fray.
good to see you -
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i think you're very right on this.. i'll play with it some more. good to see you too lute =)
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An unusual pleasure to stumble across an SOTM poem. Lean, lithe and muscular.
Congrats on the trophy.
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You! Now I shall be officially embarrassed at my comment.
Really happy to see you here, though. Do it more!
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The rhymes in this are quite hypnotic - sodden-rotten-forgotten; caked, frayed, taste, trails - the empty trapeze sways like a pendulum. Great effect, just the kind of thing I was hoping for with this contest.
These things happen when the words are just allowed to come, I think - at least that's how it works for me at the best of times. At the same time, there is a craft about it, ya know? If there are good accidents, they are because the poet has been paying attention for a long time.
I think the poem ends at "free", both in sonics and in message.
Trapeze to free, seems complete.
Thanks for entering my contest. My job just got harder, as I was about to close.
Z
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