with your arch grin
and your x-ray vision
you arrested my pride
and unearthed the truth
but some things
funny how some things
cannot be exhumed
Author notes
I wish she never brought -it- up
A contest entry
- I wish i could forget this... by BenziRae.
481 points, ended July 22, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Sorry Kryspin but I think you're absolutely wrong. The poem's emotion crux is the "but some things" that is where the passion in the imagery and building phsyical scenery comes to a head and is channeled into emotional consonace. It is where the revelation occurs. The repition of "some things" as an image is the ONLY thing that grounds this poem- that keeps it intimate and emotional and relatable. Without it, you would end up with some lofty and ludicrous exposition rather than the devastatingly personal and vulnerable poem that is crafted here. The last thing to do would be to remove the first person element that ends the poem- it would destroy the quiver in my lip and the sigh in my throat.
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short. sweet. direct. the only real itch i have with this is your "but somet things" line. it seems out of place and doesnt connect to anything else? Was this a literary effect used with purpose or am i missing some link in the evolutionary chain of this write?
i kind of get where that line comes from, however i find it to be redundant and destructive. your final line is more the kicker and the punch repeating the same concept only clearer and with a bang. i'd suggest dropping the "but some things" line and maybe talk about some kind of famous excavation or personal epiphany in a short concise analogical line of some sort making a parallel to burying things or something to do with sand.
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