with moustaches of strawberry, crème de
menthe and vanilla, we shiver and, gripping
the rusty rail overlooking the pacific, regret
that we have chosen knickers for ice cream
and late-night walks in a california town too
rich to laugh at itself.
these two siblings of mine, laughing as they
mimic the speech of passerby, could never
know the burden that i bear: the weight of
a burgeoning life that, not but three months
ago, wanted nothing but to martyr itself.
cold and terrified, i feel empowered in this
stagnatingly hot hellhole only when i look at
the ocean; the waves, like an invisible force
hurling itself at the cliffs through the thick
veil of night, have not the power to break
me into little sharp shards, nor have they
the power to make my dreams like confetti –
colour, light, sound – all wasted in a moment
of useless frivolity.
today, i hold the life that, though fading, is
yet mine, straining to flee from my grasp to
ride upon waves to eternity’s shores. these
waves, crashing upon the cliffs at la jolla,
will not steal my dignity, my love, my life.
i care not that once, i had feared them: the
only two words that could break me:
i am.
when i am home in the place that is not home,
away from the lights and heat and noise of
california, i must not forget what this night
means – freedom from something i have yet
to understand, much less name. it is, as i am.
i must not forget the colour of the night, how
it seems to stretch forever into some unknown
ocean of its own, this thing they call eternity;
how, though the lights of la jolla dim the stars,
yet they exist, kilometres and kilometres away,
unknowing that cristina delaware, aged sixteen,
looks at them and feels like laughing, feels like
throwing her arms into the air, to cry, “god, the
great i am! but man, the great i will be!”
i must remember that tonight, i no longer feel
small when i look at the sky.
Author notes
For DreamlikeWinters' contest (drink your milk at 9:00pm)! 20 July, 2007.
I went to California on holiday in the summer of 2006, when I was struggling to accept the death of my close friend, Jamie. We were only sixteen when she died (30 January, 2006), and the following six months were torture. Staring at the ocean from the shores of the Pacific, which I did quite often, helped me immensely, both emotionally and spiritually. I had lost so much of myself when Jamie died, and a year ago, I began renewing my own spirit through art.
...if that explains anything.
A contest entry
- Knock my socks off! I beg of you. by DreamlikeWinters.
600 points, ended August 17, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Power of Thoughts by parasol.
1500 points, ended July 21, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A spiritual experience by Uncle.
1200 points, ended August 12, 2007, 31 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critique this, please, and be honest!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hm. I really like the story you tell, the imagery of the ice cream mustaches, and the way you described the waves are both excellent visuals.
The language is a bit overdone in parts, little things like "I care not" and "a burgeoning life" seemed to take away from the somewhat conversational tone that the rest of the poems pulls off very well.
That being said, your use of "I am" was excellent, it established a fear of not understanding yourself, and it was done cleverly.
I like this poem quite a bit.
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Thanks for pointing out the overly archaic language in this; I suppose the way I speak comes out in the way I write. I will certainly keep that in mind when I do a revision of this sometime!
Thanks a lot! :]
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I am sorry about your friend Jamie.The ocean is a refreshing thing to see.I have seen only Puget Sound,but still.Thank you and good luck!
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this is one of those wow poems, where I'm not even sure how to respond. Thanks for sharing this piece, it's well written and obviously a deep memory.
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Thought provoking poem. Vividly expressed emotions. Thank you for sharing. The horizon is a healing place.
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Well done:
Sounds spiritual to me: out of nowhere it is revealed to you and you are changed from that time on. Strength came to you to meet the challenge of your loss. Enjoyed this: Dave -
I’m just speechless. This was incredible and so profound. I’ve never been to California, which is quite sad, considering I live in Nevada, which is so close to Cali. This was beautiful. I felt like I was there. This was simply amazing.
Thank you for your entry. Good luck in my contest.
- Andi
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