As the years have passed,
I have tried to take my life with no avail.
Without you life is empty,
it is black.
Your voice has faded from my ears,
this is tearing me apart.
Once together,
once a team,
now alone.
Your death has made me want to follow.
Happiness lies within your arms,
on the heavenly plane.
One way to get there,
Suicide.
Time is now,
Don't be sad,
I will be fulfilled.
Author notes
Dark
A contest entry
- Life isn't everything, Death isn't nothing 1000+ point contest, LOTS OF OPTIONS!~Still open!!!~ by Soten-Jaganshi.
1100 points, ended September 7, 2007, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Death && Love by Sle3p.
360 points, ended July 21, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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ah good enough XD (the name and such thing) now on to critiques!!!
As the years have passed,
I have tried to take my own life with no avail.
I love the way this sets the flow as the first statement, but I think it might be even better without the 'Own' in it.
Xd ok, this like seems incredibly akward to me:
Your voice fades from my ears,
this kills me.
and i think it could be fixed but changing it to
Your voice is fading from within my ears
This, it's killing me.
i think adding a few syllables keeps it in rhythm with the first to lines.
other then that it's a great peice. Thanks for entering my contest!!
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please put the quote and your username in the author's box, message me once you've done so and I'll critique your poem.
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VERY DARK
This is very powerful.. hate to say it but this is where your talent lies.. the darkness.. but until you taste darkness you don't know what good is like... and you deserve some good now...i dont know where to start.. I think this is my new fave... seriously the whole poem is great.. your death has made me want to follow.. wow.. just dont get any ideas i need you around for awhile.. lol a long while.. love ya...
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