MONOLOGUE
(MMM i wonder what I'll do this century....Yeah I like that!)
Being a household ornament just isn't for me
But I guarantee I'm the best lamp you'll find
Well cos baby soon you'll see
CHORUS: I ain't your ordinary bulb and switch
But baby you can turn me on
I'm gonna grant your every little single wish
But you only get three
Hey, its better than none
VERSE1: I've been doing this wishing thing
Since one hundred and six B.C
Who do you think made Harold king
Yeah you're darn right it was me
I gave Hercules his strength
And I made aladdin's dreams come true
And if you rub me right the right way
I'll do the same for you
CHORUS
VERSE2: I could give you money, end your care and strife
Theres not much I can't do
Except I can't bring people back to life
Or make a love be true
But baby it don't matter
'Cos I'm there to guard your back,
But never try to charm or flatter
If the ending's rather black
But..
CHORUSx2
Author notes
OK, I auditioned for this summer school thing and got in, and we have two weeks to create a show worthy of the stage. Now the theme is Aladdin's lamp and its magic and what it would be like in the 21st Century! This is a song for the lamp.
Lemme know what you think. Criticism greatly accepted.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This is funny and witty. There were some grammatical errors here and there, but the actual content was very original. Good luck on creating the musical!
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good
I liked the poem/song. The verses are really good and i enjoyed them. The chorus sounds akward to me. It sounds like you contradict youself. You say
"Im gonna grant your every little single wish"
But then right after that you say
"But you only get three"
and also the ryhme sceme in the chorus does not seem to flow as well as the verses do. Thats my opinion but it is a fun little song. Very creative i did enjoy reading this....good job
take care.
Countrychick06
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Well, this is certainly more legible... Thank you.. I am very busy, but here are my comments.
I cannot really say too much about your style - for me Aladdin's lamp is part of the British pantomime tradition which has its own conventions of verse. So forgive me if my suggestions do not fit your transatlantic style.
First of all, a point of legendary-history. Hercules is Latin for the Greek "Heracles" - and he belongs very far back. Remember, Theseus king of Athens as a boy tried to emulate the feats of the already dead and legendary Hercules... and Theseus comes one generation BEFORE the Trojan War, and the fall of Troy is traditionally dated to the year that we call 1194 BC. Hence to have made the lamp start its career only in 106 BC is not congruent with the "Hercules" allusion. (Yes, I know it is all legend - but even the legends have their own internal time-sequence).
Why not say, for example "two thousand and six BC" - that would scan nicely and fit the legendary sequence - and also add to the fun, since we are now in 2007... Particularly if that line were sung with a pause... thus:
"Since two thousand and six.... [Pause].... BC.
Secondly, about Harold.... I presume you mean Harold II Godwinson - one of my local heroes (and not the undistinguished Harold I Harefoot) Considering how Harold Godwinson's reign ended, was making him King an achievement the lamp would want to boast about?
However, I can see why you chose him, since he came to the throne by election and not hereditary right!
But what about someone with even less right - except by conquest, what about the [so-called] William "The Conqueror"... or (for she really needed amazing luck to get to the throne) Elizabeth I.
You could say: "Who made William the Conqueror King"
or "who made Bess the Virgin Queen!"
The only other thing I would suggest in Verse 1 is changing line 7 to "And if you rub me UP the right way!" which will give a rather neat pun!
I find the second stanza a bit weak... and a little difficult to follow..
What about
"But baby it don't matter
'Cos I;m there to guard your back,
But never try to charm or flatter
If the ending's rather black"...
By the way, do you know the play (and movie) Alf's magic button? It is set in WWII, when we were all being asked to give unwanted metal objects to the "war effort". A patriotic housewife hands in an old lamp that her father had brought back as a souvenir from Mesopotamia in WWI - and it gets recycled into buttons for the army... And, of course, the djinn is trapped in one of the buttons - and the first time that the soldier starts to polish his buttons - out comes the djinn! You can imagine the comic situations that follow!
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Oh yeh, I am from England not the USA!
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Wow!! Thanks, that was a really helpful comment and I think I will change that verse.
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Dude... thats pretty sick... Its like a keller williams song.. at least the same style... i like it alot.... i cant write songs like that... but the chours needs something else... but its still pretty good... i dont know maybe keep it the same depends on what music its too... the rythym could make impacts.. anyway thats some funky shit... and i like it...
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hey, you changed the color scheme! YAY!
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Catchy
Loved verse one. It rocked. Especially the last three lines. The chorus sounds a little awkward to me. Maybe work on smoothing out the flow and rhythm of it. -
Hmm.
"And if you rub me right the right way"
This kind of sounds odd. O.o; I get what you meant but it sounds odd when saying it.
"I could give you money most anything"
When reading this out loud with the rest it kind of throws off the groove - Don't you DARE throw off the Emperor's Groove!
Anyway, I like it and it sounds good, anyway nice write.
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Yeh I do see what you mean. I will be editing a lot over the next few days. Thanks for the comment!
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Gooooood jobb!!
I got a kick out of this, and that is exactly what songs like this are meant to do. Very catchy, I would love to hear it with music Good job, keep writing fun songs!
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I loved how you took this simple little children's thing and turned it into something very questionable. "And I made aladdin's dreams come true
And if you rub me right the right way I'll do the same for you" The song's very clever. The only thing I can suggest is that maybe change the colors on this page. It's a little hard to read. ^_^
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I Like it, but honestly i wouldnt sing it in fromnt of the less mature. Can u trun me on baby...Rub me the right way?? Okay i still liked it but jusrt a warning mk peace out lol
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Wow this was interesting. I havent realy read to many songs like this, directed to younger kids.. It was definitly a different experiance. I liked it, it was unique.
Kaitlyn
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Nice, I like the way it is written and it is a new idea, too. I loved it. thank you for asking me to comment your poem, did you comment mine??
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Wow, you are weird((dont worry, thats a good thing in my book))... The second verse is a bit long, you might want to break it up into 2. And i think it might sound better if in the chorus you put i'll or i will instead of 'ima', but other than that its great, it stick with the topic and everything!
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Ok if this is for children this is kind of suductive. "I aint your ordiniary bulb and switch but babu you can turn me on" But then it goes back to pg "I ve been doing this wishing thing since one hundred and six bc who do ya think make Harold king" So i can see your point of veiw that is directed to kids after looking at it that way and beside the little suductiveness its good my kids like it so good job
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Thanks. I'm finding it hard to apeal to children as young as like 6 or so as well as to adults and older people. It need a lot of work which I intend to fix as the week goes on. But thanks for your comment!
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I am going to be honest. I am not feeling it. The part that i did like was " I aint your ordinary bulb and switch" But i would have said something like "I aint your ordinary bulb and switch but am one sexy well lit bitch" The rest is cheese but that is my opinion
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Yeh I do like your idea, but this is written for an audiance which will contain young children. And everyone loves a bit of cheese every now and again!
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You are very creative, this would make a funny song you should push it to someone like Dolly Parton I hear she helps a lot of people out in the music industry. Very good job! You've got my vote!
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funny yeah it weird but u know it takes a lot of talent 2 b able to creat something weird n funny,well done
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